But Today, I’ve Had Enough!

How do you muster up the strength to get up and go to work when you’ve already handed in your notice and you only have 12 days or 6 shifts left? And you don’t care. That’s the dilemma I’m facing this morning. A bad stomach, running to the toilet every 20 minute s or so, combined with my boss being an utter prick over a work Whatsapp group yesterday has left me looking at the clock and wondering if I can really be bothered to get ready and go to work. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I think I’d already called in sick (in my head) when my boss was a dickhead yesterday.

We have new staff members at work and I’ll be honest, like all new staff members, they don’t know 100% what they are doing, and they make a few mistakes. I commented on one of these mistakes over the work group, but didn’t pinpoint names, and asked them to do it right the next time. You know when you get pissed off constantly rectifying other people’s mistakes? Yep, that’s where I was. And it was a really simple mistake too.

Anyway, that was a couple of days ago and yesterday, my boss told all of my work colleagues over the group that I’d told a customer the new staff members had done their job wrong, and didn’t know what they were doing.

Oh no he didn’t. Firstly, anyone that knows me knows how protective I am over my work colleagues, and in the three years I’ve worked there, I’ve never let anyone say a bad word about them. Secondly, did he seriously just dig me out like that in front of everyone else I work with? Did he seriously just do that? Does he SERIOUSLY believe that I would cuss down another employee of MY shop to a customer – someone that I probably wouldn’t ever see again, and couldn’t really give two shits about?

I know it’s kinda petty, but I was raging. I understand that he would need to come and talk to me and ask me what the customer had *apparently* said, but publicly, in front of everyone? Would he like it if I pinpointed out every fuck up he’d ever made since he joined the company? He’s still new himself, so he’s making mistakes and not doing things wrong all over the place.

Not just that, he also said that the problem-solving I’d done hadn’t worked either. Bullshit, I waited for it to work before my customer had even left the shop when it was sorting out someone else’s fuck up, so I know he’s bullshitting about that.

You see, this is why I don’t want to go to work. My boss is not only a compulsive liar, but a prick. I’ve poured blood, sweat and tears into that shop, taking pride in my job and working every hour under the godamn sun for three years. This little manager-prick comes in, only temporarily mind, because he has another business he’s trying to get off the ground, and when it does, he’ll jump ship quicker than you can blink, and fucks shit all up. Those were his words. He doesn’t even care about the job, yet he’s already caused me and one other staff member to quit because of badly handled sickness, and he’s on his way to muscling out a third, bringing in his little friends and ex work colleagues to replace us all as he goes.

Constructive dismissal is, apparently, what he did to me and the first work colleague. She didn’t have the balls to fight back against him though, and I don’t have the energy. Nor do I care that much. I’ve wanted to quit and be a writer for a long time anyway. But how is that fair? How is he getting away with this, and how long is he going to get away with it for? I want to punch the guy in the face.

I wanted to make it through the last few days of the month, of my employment with the company, without calling in sick, but even as I type, I can feel my insides churning away, and I know I’m going to need to run to the toilet in a few minutes again. Oh, I called the hospital this morning about my Poo Problems and they couldn’t find / hadn’t sorted my last set of biopsy results from the endoscopy at the beginning of April. Awesome. This isn’t my life or anything this disease is fucking with. Just take your time. Lose my results all you like. It doesn’t matter now. I’ve lost a boyfriend, I’m pushing the new one away, I’ve lost my dignity, and now I’ve essentially lost my job. If I hadn’t quit, I’d have been fired. Not only was I being forced to go to another store which was further away and 100% not practical, but I was being pushed through disciplinary procedures that shouldn’t even have been threatened.

Honestly, the thought of going to work just fills me with dread. Whether he’s there or not, I just don’t want to go. It’s not an anxiety thing, I don’t think. I just think I’ve run out of whatever quota I had for the company that seems to screw me over, time and time again. I lost almost all of my holiday for the first two years because there weren’t enough staff members to cover, and the managers kept getting fired or quitting. Plus I was underpaid by about a week’s wages, every month, for about four to six months. And when I questioned my previous manager about it, he told me there was no overtime budget and he would give me one ‘free’ Friday off, and there was nothing else he could do. And now I’m being forced out of a company I once had so much love for, because of a manager that has decided I don’t fit in his store. That’s how it feels anyway. No wonder my anxiety is playing up. Now, because of that pathetic statement he made yesterday in front of everyone, I now think everyone at the company thinks I’m a cunt, and they’ll hate me if I bother to go to work. Well, not quite as dramatic as that, but you know what I mean.

I should really call in sick, I guess. I might text him. I know I’ll only cry if he has a go at me over the phone. Just like I know I’ll cry if he questions me about the customer-bullshit incident. I get so angry in the safety of my own bedroom, but face to face with someone and I just clam up, forget what I wanted to say, shake, and fail to get any words out.

What the fuck is happening to me? When did I turn into such an anxious person? Where has this anxiety creeped up from? I’m sure I never used to be like this. I actually managed almost two years, only calling in sick once. And now I’m struggling to make it through a couple of weeks.

But today, I’ve had enough. Fuck work. Fuck the world too. I’m staying in my PJ’s.