Backup No. 2

Not that it matters because apparently, I have backup… 

Not content with The Director and Plan B vying for my attentions, I decided I needed to make things even more complicated. Despite our last ‘date’ being so terribly shocking, I have decided to go on a ‘second date’ with The Fireman. That’s right. I’m that dumb.

I think I just get myself in these situations where I find it really difficult to say no to stuff. If someone asks me something via text message or email, I can say no because I have the time to compose myself and think about how to say no in the best way possible. When someone asks me face to face or on the phone (like how The Fireman did) I don’t have a chance to come up with an excuse or find that get out of jail free card. Instead I say yes because I can’t think of anything else to say.

He wants to watch the rugby and get a bit drunk. I can sleep on his couch. Or he can sleep on his couch while I have his bed. Whatever works for me. He’ll make sure I get home safely the next day. He won’t pull any moves if I don’t want him to but he will be thinking about it.

All of this bullshit – all of these things I couldn’t say no to, he said them to me between the hours of 2am and 4am. I found myself involved in a TWO-HOUR long conversation with him in the middle of the night. He was pissed and just down the road from me at a friends house coincidentally (hmmm). I was sober and unable to sleep as always. I had nothing better to do so why not? Chat we did.

We spoke about times gone by and apologised for the really shitty things we had done to each other all those years ago. He wants us to give it another chance. He loves the way I think now. I’ve grown up and got this whole new persona which he’s obsessed with. He wants to spend time with me. Our last date made him so happy. He’d never had that much fun in the arcades before. Even the simplest things with me seem a lot more fun than they are with other people. It was like going back ten years…

Fuck. What have I gotten myself into here? This is a dangerous ex from ten years ago who broke my heart and punched me in the face. Why on earth would I even contemplate going on a second date with him? We all know what a second date means. He’s expecting me to put out. If I’m crashing on his couch, I won’t be crashing on his couch. We’ll get bladdered and I’ll end up in bed with him all over again.

He told me he would never be the lover he is today if it hadn’t been for me. He wouldn’t know what he likes if it hadn’t been for that experimenting we did as ‘kids’. He wants that again with me – he wants that connection. This shit was falling out of his drunken mouth and all I could do was giggle. As hard and tough as I think I am now, there’s a small part of me that still melts for this man even now, ten years later. There’s still a part of me sexually attracted to him even though I don’t even find him all that physically attractive anymore. And hasn’t he grown up too? He’s not the same kid that punched me. He’s been hurt and he’s broken some hearts and now he’s stronger and smarter.

I learned that just a little while ago he went through a serious patch of depression which surprised me. He never understood mental health problems. He never understood me feeling the need to cut myself. He never ever understood any of that. And now he does. He does because he’s been there – depressed, sad and suicidal. He admitted that to me and he apologised for all the things he never understood before. Hearing him say those words to me just made me melt even more.

Would it really be possible for me to go back and fall in love all over again with my childhood sweetheart? I fell in love with him once and if we are just better versions of ourselves now, wouldn’t I still fall in love with him again? But this time it could be better. I wouldn’t cheat on him or sleep with his sister. He wouldn’t punch me in the face.

I asked him if he felt he could trust me a second time around? I cheated on the guy before him with him and then I cheated on him with the guy before him! There’s no way he could trust me a second time around. Plus then you throw the whole I-slept-with-his-sister thing into the equation and surely you just have a recipe for disaster? I can’t exactly turn up to family events with a sheepish smile on my face can I? She knows, I know, he knows… I wonder how many others know. I wouldn’t be able to look any of his family members in the face. I couldn’t do it. I’d blush. Even if they didn’t know I’d feel as if they did and I would constantly felt judged. Or would I? Maybe no one knows. Maybe they kept it to the dirty little secret it should have been in the first place?

I don’t really know what to do. I kinda wanna sleep with him again because I kinda wanna sleep with anyone. I’m a horn-dog right now. And rather than sleep with someone new, it would make perfect sense just to re-hash an old flame – one who already knows how to push my buttons and has successfully pushed them many times. I’m blushing just thinking about the shit he used to do to me… It’s worth getting back with him for that kind of sex life alone. It would be phenomenol. It always is.

Groan. Doesn’t take me long to get myself into trouble does it?

(Secretly I LOVE the attention…)