That Time I Was Accidentally Paid for Sex
Do you remember a time when a Jack Daniels and Coke cost £1.75 in a local pub? That’s the time we’re going back to in today’s sex fail blog post, and it’s not a story I’m particularly proud of… or maybe I am? Either way, I was accidentally paid for sex.
Allow me to explain.
It started in the bar
Like so many good stories (and bad ones,) this story starts in a bar – one I used to work in, so I was super familiar with the locals… many of which happened to be military personnel, and you know how I’m all over that like flies on shit.
It’s a problem, but the first step to recovery is admitting it, right?
I’d gone out like I usually did back then, with a £20 note in my back pocket, plenty for the five drinks I’d be able to handle, plus a few more from the locals/hopeful fucks/etc. There was always someone on driving duty, and I only lived 25 minutes or so away, if I had to walk it. Thankfully, there was almost always a willing chap to walk with me, or even pay for a cab, if he thought he might get to fuck me.
On this particular night, one tried harder than the rest. Let’s call him Drunk Army Guy, or DAG for short. He’d bought me drinks, nudged away unrequited suitors who wouldn’t go away, and then offered to walk me home at the end of the night.
I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, but he’d made me laugh like a hyena for basically the entire night, and I really do love a man with a good sense of humour. It makes mediocre men much hotter; don’t you think? It does for me, anyway. He basically laughed his way to me into finding him hot.
The time comes for the bar to shut
I take DAG up on his offer to walk me home. I was living with my Gramps at the time, though, so he couldn’t come inside at the end.
“That’s okay,” DAG said. “I’m sure we can find something that works.”
And he did. Well, sort of. He found a wall that was just the right height, just out of any prying eyes, and propped me on top of it. We made out for a bit, then I reached for his belt. Before I knew it, I was sliding a condom on and we were fucking, the brick wall scratching the back of my thighs.
It wasn’t a particularly memorable occasion, but it scratched an itch, so to speak. I was single for the first time in my dating life, so I made damn sure that I made the most of it. Growing into my sexuality, I guess… and having the actual time of my life, at the same time.
We sit and smoked for a bit after the deed, a used condom sat not-so-nicely in the zip compartment of my handbag, wrapped up in the foil from a cigarette box.
“I’d like to see you again,” DAG said. “I’m going away, though.”
Shit. I didn’t want that. “Oh, that’s a shame. It would be nice to hang out, but I don’t want to wait for someone.”
We finished our respective cigarettes, then he walked me to my front door. A quick kiss on the cheek later, and he was gone.
I never saw him again
The next morning, however, I did see something: two twenty-pound notes, folded up in the back pocket of my jeans. I was super hungover, so it took me a couple of hours and more than a few cups of coffee to put the pieces together.
I’d gone out with one twenty-pound note.
I spent all of that twenty-pound note.
So… where did that forty quid come from?
I mentally replayed the night’s events, and it finally hit me: I’d fucked the Drunk Army Guy!
Had he… paid me for sex?!
When had he paid me for sex? I never took my jeans off, and they were skintight – how could I not have noticed that he’d slipped two twenties into my damn pocket? I was slutty… like, I was giving the goods up for FREE. What made him think he had to pay me for it? What made him think I was a sex worker?!
Also, forty fucking quid? I was worth more than that. I’m not sure if I should be chuffed or offended, but it took me a long time to spend that money. I kept hoping I’d bump into him at the bar, but of course, I never did. It was before the days of smart phones. Not that we’d have likely swapped numbers.
But yeah, that was the time I was accidentally paid for sex.
Forty quid.
TUT.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you’re in the market for more sex fails, you’ll find a whole bunch of them right here.
Fancy something more successful and spicier? How about one of my personal favourites:
