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Frank’s Thoughts on Hand Jobs – My Rebuttal

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This is what gave me inspiration today: The things men hate about every sex position – Cosmopolitan.

I came across this ridiculously pigheaded article from Cosmo recently, and just like so many other sex-related articles shared by the magazine/website, I found it be utter tripe. Although to be fair, this one was probably one of the worst I’ve ever read. Just a heads up, he referred to handjobs as “bottled water”, and then called them “the worst”.

Out of every sexual action on Frank’s list, and to be fair on the writer, there wasn’t really that many (poor imagination?), the humble hand job was “the worst”?

Really? Because every man I’ve ever come across, and certainly most male bloggers, have suggested exactly the opposite. In fact, I’m going to call on someone who I seem to regularly call on when proving another Cosmo article wrong – Exhibit A.

On handjobs (or: I just want you to touch me)

I have/had the biggest confidence problem when it came to giving handjobs. I wasn’t confident with my technique, and I certainly wouldn’t rate my hand-skills higher than my oral skills, which are 10/10 by the way. Or so I’ve been told … repeatedly. But I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know if I was going fast enough, or if I had enough of a grip on his dick, or how he even liked to be touched. With my mouth, I have no worries because he can’t do that to himself (usually), but with my hands … that’s a different story. It’s just not the sexual ‘thing’ I’m most talented at.

If I were to have read that article, NOT as a sex blogger, but as a ‘normal’ reader (whatever ‘normal’ is), I would most certainly have shelved my handjobs for life. If even a man thinks they’re “the worst” – a man who’s meant to be enjoying my tugging actions – surely there’s no point in even trying? After all, “Why walk down the street and buy an overpriced bottle of water that really doesn’t taste any different than tap water when you can just do it yourself at home?” (Direct quote)

Can you believe he actually said that, this Frank-fellow? I think someone needs to get hold of this Frank-fellow and give him the handjob of all hand jobs personally. And no, I’m not putting myself forward for the challenge. Not to be compared to “bottled water” anyway – what’s the point in me trying when he can do it perfectly well himself? Maybe that’s the same approach that Frank’s girlfriend should take?

“No thanks, love. Not tonight. There’s no point in you trying to make me cum because I can do it perfectly well by myself. What’s the point in bottled water … ?”

Oh, and for the record, I don’t drink tap water. I ONLY drink bottled water. Even my kettle is filled with filtered water. Some of us PREFER bottled water.

Now, I’m not one to bash another writer, but I just can’t believe that a magazine designed FOR women would be suggesting such a shit idea – that handjobs are just not worth it because some guy called Frank doesn’t like them. I don’t like anal that much, but I wouldn’t write that up in a magazine. I wouldn’t project my slight anal-disliking / uncomfortableness to thousands, millions of other readers, all of whom read those articles for sex guidance. What sort of sex guidance is telling a woman that she shouldn’t even bother giving her fella a handjob because he can do it better himself? That’s misleading information and advice, surely? I would imagine there are probably thousands of men out there who would do ANYTHING to get a handjob, and there’s this guy saying, “Thanks, but no thanks!”.

To be fair though, the handjob statement was just the tip of the iceberg – number nine and last on the list. Before that, he informed us all that missionary sex was “boring” and “common“, doggy style is ruined because your parents might enjoy it from time to time, cowgirl is going to break his penis, and shower sex is going to result in a trip to A&E. Spooning gives him a dead arm, and reverse cowgirl makes every chick self-conscious that her dude is looking at her butthole. And that’s before we even get to the part where he says that being in someone else’s butt is the worst thing about ’69’.

There is NO “worst thing” about the ’69’, my friend, and I’m sure that millions of people would wholeheartedly disagree with you.

Oh, and for the record, I know my fella is looking at my butthole when I reverse cowgirl him. That’s why I do it – because I know he LOVES it – looking at it, touching it, licking it, caressing it. Occasionally I’ll let him stick a finger or a thumb in there too … But me thinking about him looking at my butthole is the LAST thing on my mind while I’m bouncing up and down on him. And if it is the first thing on my mind, something’s not right.

This is a magazine that’s meant to EDUCATE women on having sex, perhaps men too, but primarily women. Judging by Frank’s rules, no position is safe, no sexual activity is free from danger, and even the humble handy won’t satisfy him. How is this educating women?

I know the article lists the things that “men hate about every sex position”, but I feel that it’s utter bollocks. Missionary is certainly not boring when I’m doing it. It’s certainly not the “bread and butter” of my meal, that’s for sure. And this is where I feel Frank has a problem – maybe if he experimented a little more, he’d find more enjoyable sides to these sex positions. May I suggest her leg raised up onto his shoulder, for example, or a pillow under her butt to raise her up, taking things a little deeper?

And seriously? I’ve never thought about my parents having sex, let alone them having sex in the doggy-style position, so that entire paragraph was clearly used solely to bump the word count up. Of all the things you could have written about doggy-style, you thought about your parents? Eye roll. You need to have some better sex.

Ladies – you won’t break his dick in the cowgirl position if you’re careful. You can “break” his dick in any position though – that’s correct information. I once broke a dude’s banjo string in the missionary position, and we weren’t being overly exuberant with our movements, proving that even the “boring” positions come with their fair share of trials and tribulations.

In response to this article on Cosmo, I just want to say this – don’t read it. If I hadn’t read Exhibit A’s above brilliant blog post on why I should be getting more hands-on with my big fella’s little fella, that article would have been enough to put me off for life. And for a website/magazine that’s trying to promote sexuality, I’d hardly say this article was educational. When they churn out tripe like this, you know Cosmo has run out of decent things to say. Although to be fair, I think that happened a long time ago.

Don’t read the Cosmopolitan article, ladies. Men won’t turn down a handjob, even if you don’t think you’re that great at it, plus the more you practice, the better you’ll get.

If you want some read sex talk, advice, guidance, whatever you want to call it, read my stuff. Or have a quick peek on Twitter to check out some of the AMAZING sex bloggers there are out there. Because there are plenty, and you’ll learn a shit-load more than what you’ll learn from these crappy Cosmo bores.

I’d like to personally recommend one of these:

Featured image by Charles ?? on Unsplash

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