Do You Want To Come In For A Smoke?

I want to have sex with my drug dealer I think. You know those weird passing crushes I seem to have? One Ball’s best friend, and Jock’s too – the Redneck. Now it’s my drug dealer. Great.

I’m trying to work out how old he is, and whether or not it would be acceptable to bang him. It’s a crush that has been bubbling away under the surface for a while now, and we’re at a stage where I won’t answer the door to him without makeup on, or my hair done. Today however, the crush hit a new high.

He was waiting at the door when I got home, and I let us both in, trying to chit-chat as I dropped my bags, rummaged for my keys, tried to find my purse, and generally made a right fuck-up of it all.

See, I stumble a lot when I like someone. I was stumbly. Epic fail.

He was stumbly too, that’s what made me smile. I suddenly realised the attraction could very well have been there for both of us, and our flirty chit-chat continued. He gave me my pick of the bags of green in his outstretched hands ‘coz he’s a gentleman like that, and he told me to be careful, as it ‘knocked him on his ass’ the day before. He was a social smoker, not a regular smoker.

Then the invite just fell out of my mouth….

“Do you want to come in for a smoke?”

Fuuuuuuck. I just invited my drug dealer into my house ALONE, to have a smoke. If that wasn’t an invitation to fuck, I don’t know what was. I didn’t mean for it to come out quite like that and thankfully, he politely declined telling me had other drop-off’s to do. He knew though – he knew what it meant. I had just opened the flood gates. In fact, I hadn’t. I’d probably just confused the boy. I would imagine he assumed Bestie and I were a couple, just like everyone else does.

He’s kinda bad-boy looking, with a whole bunch of what might or might not be really bad tattoos. The only tattoo I can remember is the one of the bright red lips on his neck. I wanna leave bright red lips on his neck.

He’s tall. Taller than me anyway, although it’s not hard. I’m about 5 foot 3. Or 4 depending on how pouffy my hair is. He’s quite skinny too. I don’t like skinny guys. At all. He dresses really well most of the time, with named-brands. None of this Primark shit. Some days it’ll be jeans, a smart tee, and a pair of sunnies, with his red jacket casually thrown over one shoulder. Others it’ll be an all-grey tracksuit, still smart though – nothing ripped or scruffy. I might not think much of his sense of style but at least his clothes are decent.

Plus, none of that matters. I don’t want to have a relationship with the guy, I just want to fuck him. What’s so bad about that? Well, first I need to find out how old he is. I’m 29 now. I won’t have a relationship with a younger guy, but even for a casual bang, my lowest is 25. I’d feel like proper Cougar if I went any lower than that, and I don’t think I’m the Cougar type.

I can’t work out how old he is. I reckon he might be 25-ish, but that might be wishful thinking. Bestie seems to think he’s 22 tops. Would it be really inappropriate for me to just ask him?

Flirty chit-chat aside, I don’t even think it’s about banging my drug dealer at all. Yeah I think he’s kinda hot, and I’d quite like to bounce on top of him a few times, but it’s not really about him, is it? Its about boredom. Boredom with Someone New because he’s not quite man enough for me. Boredom with the sex I don’t seem to be able to have because of that fucking LEEP / LLETZ procedure. The one that has left me bleeding after sex EVERY TIME, and irregular patches of bleeding whenever my body damn well feels like it.

I just want to have sex with someone. Someone good. Someone exciting and interesting. Someone like Jock or My Mr. Grey. Someone that drives me wild. Someone New is good in bed, but we don’t have enough of a connection out of it to have that real connection in it. You know? Plus, I’d quite like my body to go back to how it was before I got sick – before they took bits out of me and created new problems that weren’t even problems in the first place.

But yeah, I’m crushing on my drug dealer today. Not really sure what to do about this.