I HATE internet dating with a passion but I never used to feel that way. Three or four years of bad dates after bad dates followed by good dates and short relationships have left me cynical and bitter about the online dating world.

It’s also made me realise a few things.

The men you’ll see on sites like POF and Tinder; they’re all the same. The same man repeated one after the other, almost like carbon copies of themselves. I know it’s probably no better from a male’s perspective, looking at rows of endless identically bronze-skinned and duck-faced women, but I can put the men I meet on Plenty of Fish and other similar dating sites into the following brackets…

1 – The Really Hot Guy…

… With just one profile picture. Fake? Probably. Either that or he’s not the hot guy you think he is.

I’ve met a few of these and it usually becomes apparent pretty quickly that he’s either married, fake or just not quite the person behind the image.

What’s the point? Did someone say catfish?

2 – The V-Festival Attending Gym-Bunny

I hate these guys but I think thats because they automatically get the wrong impression of me. They all look the same, hipsters with a cool beard (or sometimes not), plenty of muscles and lots of tats on show with an oversized vest and board shorts. Oh, usually with a hundred identical pictures of them drunk at some festival or another too.

I’m almost 30 darling. All that mud won’t be good for me. I’m more of a glamper than a camper. I thought that was pretty obvious looking at me. Clearly not.

#HighMaintenance 

3 – The Guy Who Can Do Your Job Better

Ugh, I HATE these men. I’ve met maybe three or four of them in my dating lifetime, men who see my profession and go on to tell me how much better they can do it than I can. Or they give me tit-bits and tricks designed to help me.

I don’t need your help. I’ve been doing what I do for ten years. I do just fine thanks. Now fuck off.

4 – The Obscene Guy

We’ve all met this dude, the one with no filter between his brain and his mouth. You’ll usually get first messages from men like this that go something along the lines of, “Hey, you’re hot. Sit on my face?” or “Have you ever fantasised about having a man make you cum really hard while you’re bouncing on his eight-inch dick?”

The guy probably doesn’t have an eight-inch dick and even if he did, he’d have no clue what to do with it. He clearly doesn’t understand what women want with ‘brilliant’ (sarcasm) first messages like that.

Romeo, oh Romeo, wherefore art thou foul-talking beast? 

5 – The Poetry Guy

Each to their own, I don’t have a problem with men who are into poetry. It’s just not my jam and to be honest, I find most of it pretty cringey. If you start spouting poetry at me, especially in a first message, I’m probably just going to block you. Romance is one thing, poetry is something else. Not my bag, sorry.

6 – The Caramel-Smooth Guy

How do I say this? He’s normally the stereotypical black guy, dripping in gold chains, wearing pants that are four sizes too big for him, saying shit like, “Hey baby, you’re so fine. I wanna make you mine.”

Or, even worse than that, “Wanna be my baby momma?”

Can you believe someone actually said that to me once?

Caramel-smooth or not, no thanks.

7 – The Married Guy

You’ll know this guy right away because if he has a profile picture at all on display, it’ll be a close up of something really weird and obscure. Or a quote / meme. Or, better than that, a naked torso.

He can’t show his face because his wife will find out. There’s a good chance he also won’t show his first name and in the About Me box, there’ll be some drivel about not wanting to show his pictures to the entire world and you should message him to find out more.

Because he’s a genuine guy and all…

8 – The Just-Sex Guy

This man isn’t looking for commitment and he’s made it perfectly clear. ‘No commitment’ is plastered everywhere on his profile page. Either that or ‘just looking for sex’.

I respect the honesty of these men. It saves me both time and effort. I don’t want to date the just-sex guy. I won’t change the just-sex guy into wanting more than just sex. It’s pointless. He wants just sex.

Hot or not, it’s not worth it for me. I’m looking for a relationship.

9 – The Brutally Honest Guy

He’ll be cute, hot and basically, everything you thought you wanted in a man. Mine was ginger too. And a Gemini.

He’ll like you and he’ll be honest about it. You’ll like him and you’ll be honest about it. The honesty is all very refreshing….

Until he tells you there’s another girl he’s been chatting to although he likes you more than he likes her. Sadly, she got the date before me and I was met by the awkward, “I went on a date last night and it went really well” message the morning after. I’m assuming that means they slept together.

The Brutally Honest Guy really is a breath of fresh air but man does that shit hit you like a stab to the gut. There’s nothing worse than being dumped for another woman before you’ve even been on your first date.

10 – The Secret Submissive

You’ll have a profile picture of some guy in either submissive get-up or women’s clothing in my experience.

There’s no judgement from my side AT ALL (Ha! I can’t judge anyone’s sexual choices or preferences!), it’s just a little too much for my liking. I’m ‘looking for a relationship’ not a sub.

I get the whole being honest thing and getting that info out upfront but it’s not my cup of tea. I’m more sub than Dom anyway.

11 – The Fake Dom

Even worse than the Secret Submissive is the Fake Dom. We’ve all encountered one of these guys – he watched ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ once and quite fancies beating the shit out of a woman’s ass cheeks with a riding crop.

I come across at least one or two of these men every few weeks. Men who openly admit to never being a Dom before but fancy ‘giving it a shot’.

All I’m saying is, if a genuine sub were to come out of the woodwork and take you up on your kind offer of “beating them into submission” (another classic line spouted at me by some jerk), you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself.

One movie does not a Dom make.

*Disclosure: I’m no ‘expert’, before you start trolling me. 

12 – The Ego-Boost Guy

Oh, this guy… He’ll say all the right things to you. He’ll be attentive and he’ll text you into the early hours of the morning. But before long, he’ll be online on POF and WhatsApp all the time, even when you’ve switched phone numbers, admitted you like each other and agreed that you should meet-up.

But why? 

The Ego-Boost Guy is the one who’ll be chatting up a whole bunch of women at once, not with the intentions of dating any of them but just because all that flirty banter makes him feel good. It’s always nice to hear you’re hot from a bunch of different women. This dude laps it up.

To be fair, there’s a few women out there like this too. I have both male and female ‘friends’ who do this. They have no intentions of embarking in a serious relationship should the opportunity arise, but they’ll say they are anyway just for someone to massage their ego.

13 – The Bald, Chubby Guy

This guy is usually a hoot. He’s really funny but normally far too tall for me, bearing in mind I’m barely scraping 5 ft 3. He’s bald and chubby, everything I love in a guy, but too full-on and intense, counteracting that with the most brilliant sense of humour.

I used to be the chubby, funny girl. I have a soft spot for the chubby, funny guys. Sadly, bald just doesn’t do it for me. I need some hair. I like hair. I’m a hair-grabber.

14 – The Nice Guy Who’s Just Too Nice

Over the years, I’ve started to appreciate a good / nice guy but that hasn’t always been the case. I’ve dated every asshole you could come across – the wife-beater, the drug addict, the serial womaniser, you name it. I hunt out the bad guys, sniff them out almost. The nice guys, those really, really good guys, they never used to get a look-in.

As you get older I think you lose the interest you once had in bad boys because you’ve already played those games and got bored of them. Plus, by the age of thirty I would hope I know by now that you can’t change a bad guy despite all efforts. The last ten years of bad dating hasn’t all been in vain.

But the nice guy who’s just too nice… He doesn’t normally get a look-in. He friend-zones himself. He’s usually pretty cute, has a great sense of humour, but just doesn’t have the right sexual ‘pazazz’. Am I allowed to say that? Well, I did.

He ‘respects’ women which usually means he’s far too timid to just throw you down on the bed and tear those panties clean off. He thinks about it, he’s just not brave enough to actually do it. And then he gets himself friend-zoned.

To all the nice guy’s who were just too nice, I’m sorry. I should have given you more of a chance. Now come here, throw me on the bed and tear my panties clean off. Honestly, if you’d just shown that kind of passion before, you’d have got the chance.

15 – The Mid-Life Crisis Guy

I personally have a little soft spot for these men because they seem to have a little soft spot for me. The 40-50 age bracket, post-wife and kids (usually), exploring their single side for the first time in many years. Hell, why not go for a tattooed, pierced, colourful haired girl? The ex-wife will HATE it.

Sadly, this is my kinda guy. I have a huge soft spot for the mid-life crisis guys. The one’s who try me on for fun (like The Director minus ex-wife and kids, replace with “crazy” long-term ex-girlfriend and cats) before realising I’m probably not what they’re looking for. Sometimes they don’t even bother to dump me at all, just ‘ghosting’ me until I get the hint. Like Jock… After two years of togetherness. Pffft.

16 – Army Guy

POF seems to be filled with these men. The men who think the uniform is all it takes to get you laid. Among the women in my home-town, this seems to be the case but I’m a little choosier.

I get messages on an almost daily basis from army boys who “dig” my style. I’m just not interested. I’ve had my fair share of military lads and once you’ve dated one, you’ve pretty much dated them all. The majority of them are exactly the same. They’ll pay for your baby if you’re stupid enough to get pregnant but don’t think that wedding ring on your finger means anything.

17 – The Older Army Guy

Combine Army Guy with Mid-Life Crisis Guy and you’ve got this one pretty much spot on. Normally an officer (or a wannabe), the Older Army Guy will be hot, ripped and somewhat dangerous, years of rifle-handling and military badassery behind him.

He’ll also be an expert at what he does with the ladies. He’s learned over years of serial womanising how to keep things on the down-low. He’ll probably sleep around but you won’t find out about it until it’s too late, if at all.

18 – The Guy’s Girlfriend

What is it about these women who log in to their cheating partner’s POF accounts to message girls like me? I must have one of those faces, but this happens to me more regularly than I’d like to admit.

It’ll be some guy who messaged me once and I either messaged back a handful of times before deciding he’s not right for me, or completely ignored him altogether, but because I’m in his message-thread list, the crazy girlfriend will message me anyway, usually threatening me with some sort of “Keep away from my man” bullshit.

I didn’t want him in the first place, you can keep him. And please stop making it awkward. If you can’t keep a handle on your man, you should probably sort that situation out first before you go hating on random girls on the internet.

19 – The Dating-For-Boredom Guy

Mine was a dead ringer for David Beckham and I was into him right away. He was respectful, wore a suit, had one older child from a previous relationship (boy) and was definitely my cup of tea.

Sadly, he wasn’t looking for a relationship like his profile said. He wasn’t looking for much at all. He joined the world of internet dating to raise the hopes of girl’s just like me but what he was really doing was filling that space in the evening and weekends when he had nothing else to do.

He wasn’t even sure he really wanted a relationship. He told me that. He just didn’t know what else to do with his time.

20 – The Bisexual / Bicurious Guy

These should probably have a class each of their own but they amount to the same thing. The really bold ones will ask you if you want a threesome in the first message but the more classy, discreet ones will wait a while.

They’ll lead you into thinking they might date you and then one night, you’ll be getting flirty via WhatsApp and before you know it, that line will come out…

“Have you ever fantasised about having a threesome with two men?” 

Groan. I say yes / no dependant on how bored I am and wait for the rest of the stereotypical crap to come my way.

“I’m bi-curious and want to see what it would be like for the first time.” 

“I’m bisexual and want to plan a birthday / anniversary / Valentine’s day surprise for my boyfriend.” 

“We’ve been thinking of spicing up our relationship and we want to throw a woman into the mix.”

It almost makes me wish I were twenty and still playing that adventurously again. In fact, no it doesn’t. I’m almost 30 now and although I wouldn’t turn down a threesome if the right situation were to come along, I don’t fancy meeting two random dudes off the internet and taking them to my bed.

21 – The Guy Who Thinks He’s a Gym-Bunny

Going to the gym once doesn’t make you a gym-bunny. Going to the gym and not working out, just taking a photo while your hot mate in the background works out also doesn’t make you a gym-bunny.

You can’t write “I go to the gym four or five times per week and pay close attention to my fitness” if it looks like the only action your arms have been getting is forcing pizza and cake into your mouth.

22 – The Tattooist / Tattoo Designer / Artist

Again, they amount to the same thing. Usually tortured souls, looking for their ‘one and only’ but really playing the field, pretending to be a respectful and sensitive dude.

If you’re a girl with tattoos and you start chatting to a male tattooist or designer, they’ll think you want free tattoos. If you ask about their work, they’ll get defensive and tell you some story about how they don’t tattoo for free because they once did it for an ex-girlfriend and that ex-girlfriend broke their heart.

Yawn. I only said hey. Get over yourself.

Side note: You can’t tattoo yourself at home a few times and call yourself a tattooist. A tattooist is a respected artist who has undergone professional training and has qualifications and certificates behind them. Owning a tattoo gun and being a tattoo artist are two very, very different things. 

23 – The Getting-Over-The-Ex Guy

He’s either getting over an ex or hopelessly in love with someone else. Either way, you’re the girl he’s using to try and get over her.

It won’t work. I’ve been both the replacement, the replacer and the replacee. It never works. You can’t start dating someone new in the hope you’ll get over someone old.

How’s that for some free advice?

24 – The 21-Year Old

I’m edging closer to thirty. I’m not into younger guys but these younger guys seem to really like me. It pisses me off how many messages I get from young dudes looking for an older woman. Ugh. I’m old enough to be a cougar now. How depressing is that?

They always talk weird, these younger guys.

“Arite bbz, hwz ur wknd?”

Sorry, what? They’re persistent little fuckers too. If you say thanks but no thanks, they think you’re playing hard to get and send a million more messages.

If you ignore them, they’ll just send you another message when they see you online until you finally need to block them just to put them out of their own misery.

Groan.

*****

So, those are the 24 men you’ll probably meet on POF and other internet dating sites. These views are mine, based on four years of internet dating. If you don’t like my views, don’t read them. Simples.

Oh and please don’t take offence. Unless you’re married then you should definitely take offence. You should also read this: Things I Wish I Could Say to the Married High School Guy

Ciao for now! 

xo