Search Term Series: How to Hold Pee During Morning Sex

People find my sex and dating blog with the most random terms and phrases and I’ve decided that I should write blogs based on them. Well, where I can and within reason. A few of the terms aren’t even legal (I don’t think) so I’ll probably avoid those. Also, I’m not entirely sure what some of them have to do with my blog, and why they’re directing people to it, but the ones I CAN write about, I WILL.

Clever? Or stupid? I guess we’ll find out!

The reason I’ve decided to write this little mini-series, of sorts, is because some of the questions asked as people find their way to my little dating blog are hilarious. Also, some of them are actual questions I’m sure I’ve asked along the way.

This one, however, is the former: it’s hilarious.

“How to Hold Pee During Morning Sex” 

I giggled. I didn’t just giggle; I tweeted, complete with Ryan Gosling meme. Because where we would be without a Ryan Gosling meme a day?

Someone found my blog today by typing in the words, “how to hold pee during morning sex.” pic.twitter.com/Qm1GPVBDOm

— NotSoSexintheCity (@notsosexintheci) May 17, 2017

I always suggest going for a pee BEFORE you bring up the idea of morning sex but I must admit it’s not always possible. Things get heated way quicker than you plan sometimes, and in the fogginess of that early morning mood, it’s easy to forget where you are or what you’re doing. I’m not known for being at my best first thing in the morning. I can’t make smart decisions. I can barely remember my own name.

If I desperately need to pee first thing in the morning, I gotta go pee. There’s no way I can’t. Firstly, I might pee myself if we do anything energetic. Secondly, peeing is going to be the ONLY THING ON MY MIND!

Like, literally, the only thing.

“Have you cum yet?”

“No, but if you move at all right now, something will ‘cum’ all over you. And it won’t be pretty. D’ya like watersports?”

*I’m not a fan of *that* kind of watersport. Sorry.

I imagine the same works both ways, for men and women. In fact, I know it does because I asked Bear. He told me the same thing: if he needs to pee when he wakes up and I’m feeling frisky, he’s constantly concerned he’ll accidentally pee all over me and that can seriously hinder his morning wood. (He’s not into that kinda watersport, either.)

The other side effect, I’ve found, to men holding in their pee when they wake up first thing in the morning, is that it takes them a bloody age to come. An actual age. I’m checkin’ my watch because I got shit to do, that’s how long.

And they just. keep. going.

Desperately humping and pumping away, they’re also hoping they come soon because now they’re checking their watches and thinking of all the shit they’ve got to do.

Seriously, just pee first. 

All that awkwardness aside, I had heard holding in your pee could be quite bad for you, so I decided to do some research.

Despite what I may have read or heard, you probably won’t get a UTI from holding your pee in. Unless you’re pregnant, then it’s an actual possibility. All pregnant women are at a greater risk of suffering from a UTI, and the risk increases for them when they don’t pee when they need to. Maybe that’s why a pregnant woman is allowed to pee in a policeman’s helmet? I read that somewhere. I might Google to find out if that’s true, too.

But holding in your pee if you’re a non-pregnant person won’t harm you. It’ll get mighty uncomfortable, sloshing around inside you, but no bad bacteria will get in anywhere it shouldn’t.

If you have other medical problems associated with that area – the kidney, bladder, prostate, etc. – not going for a whizz when you need to can make them worse. And if you keep doing it – holding in your pee – things could start to get very problematic. But every now and again, it’s okay. It’s probably not going to cause you any harm.

For the record, you should ALWAYS pee after sex. As a sufferer of recurrent urine infections (cystitis) and also recurrent kidney infections, which are fucking painful, I would desperately urge you to ALWAYS PEE AFTER SEX.

I’ll say it one more time – ALWAYS PEE AFTER SEX.

Now for the science stuff. Are you ready?

Women are ten times more likely to experience urine infections (UTIs) than men. Regardless of what gender you are, a urine infection hurts. It’s like trying to piss out razor blades. Even your bladder hurts. I remember dating a guy many, many years ago, back when I was 18, and riding two and a half hours on the back of his motorbike with a throbbing urine infection. Back then, however, I didn’t know what a urine infection was. I was sure I had an STI. It was only after I called my mother in tears (boyfy and I had tried to have sex and failed miserably because I was in so much pain) that she told me what I was suffering from. A good course of antibiotics later and I was right as rain, back to riding on the back of badass motorbikes without feeling every bloody bump, and back to having normal sex without feeling like my bladder might burst out of my body at any moment.

When you have sex, there’s lots of bumping around. There are bacteria present – in both men and women, different bacteria for front and back, and these are naturally present. They are meant to be there. They aren’t meant to be mixed around, though, and that’s what happens when you’re having sex. Bacteria from the back end up joining in with the bacteria having a party at the front, and vice versa, and after a while, they realise they shouldn’t be there. Everyone gangs up on each other. Things get nasty. Full-scale war erupts.

Ta dah! Urine infection.

When you pee after sex, you’re pushing some of that bad stuff that shouldn’t be there right back out again and it has less of a chance of making you sick with a razor-blade UTI.

Anyway, I’ve digressed again. I’m good at that. What was the original question? Oh yes.

“How to Hold Pee During Morning Sex”

These are the things I have found on the internet which apparently help you to hold pee during morning sex.

1 – “Don’t worry about it, you’ll last longer and women love that.”

We don’t. Well, I don’t. Not first thing in the morning. Once I’ve come, you’re good to come, and then you can run to the kitchen and make me tea. K, thanks.

2 – “When I’m fully erect, I can’t pee. I have to do something about the erection before I can pee. After a while, though, holding my pee in hurts. I don’t know how to solve the problem?” 

3 – “Cut down on caffeinated drinks and alcohol, and also cut down on fluids full stop.”

Don’t listen to that advice – make sure you’re still drinking enough water every day. What’s the point in giving up on good health just so you can have sex in the morning?! Cutting down on alcohol and caffeinated drinks isn’t a bad idea, though. Maybe give that some thought?

*****

I don’t really think there is any way that you can “How to Hold Pee During Morning Sex”. I think it’s just one of those things you need to deal with as a fully-functioning adult.

Good morning, here’s my erect cock, gimme two seconds while I sort out my bladder and then I’ll be right with you. 

My opinion? Go pee first. I hate going for hours in the morning and in my experience, men really do last a long longer when they don’t pee before they try to settle their morning wood. It’s a my-experience kinda thing. Please feel free to add your comments below if you think I’m wrong.

I know this much: the chances of getting an orgasm out of me first thing in the morning while I still have a bladder-full and eyes filled with boogers is slim to none.

Please just let me hop in the bathroom first. I’m sorry it’s not sexy/romantic/kinky, but I need to pee and wash my face.

Then do with me as you wish!

*Wait, apart from THAT. (And yes, I’m talking about the butt.)

Featured image by Michael Jasmund on Unsplash