#OnlineDating: It Sucks By The Way.

Online dating kinda has a stigma attached to it, doesn’t it? Despite the fact that everyone is doing it, whenever someone asks you how you met, you always say in the local coffee shop or at work, don’t you? You can’t quite bring yourself to admit that you met your fantastic new catch on Plenty of Fish or some other bullshit dating site in which most of the dregs of society seem to sit on. Most of those dregs message me, it would appear.

I’m a bit nuts to be fair. Whenever I have a decent kinda chat going for a few days with a guy, I get a bit carried away. If they make me do that goofy smile while they are messaging me, there’s a good chance I’m going to be into them. For a while…

There’s always something wrong with them. All the guys on POF and other online dating websites – there’s always something not quite right with them. And there lies the problem with online dating – you can’t spot those obvious little flaws in a picture, can you?

I have had mixed luck with online dating. POF has brought its fair share of highs and lows to the table. Probably the biggest low was on the other side of the world when we almost got arrested for having shit ton of pot in the back of the truck. Then there was the total dickhead that got me drunk and then called me a wild dog when I slept with him on the first date. That wasn’t a great example either. He was Number 33 and he was a total rat.

Most of the time I find myself being messaged by guys I can’t believe would even bother to message me – guys that are much younger than me, or much too old for me, guys that have profile pictures with zero teeth and stained t-shirts on, guys with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths whilst holding on to a big dog using a chain. You know the kinda guys I’m talking about here – the kinda guys that would probably pinch your purse before you’d left the restaurant and still bang you at the end of the night.

It’s tough to know how to deal with these guys. You don’t want to outright tell them that you’re not interest but if you send them a message back, they think it’s an invitation for a full-on chat. Most of them I block to be fair. What’s the point in wasting their time and mine when I know damn well I’m not interested. See, there are no rules on how to deal with this situation properly. No one has come up with proper rules for internet dating.

When I do receive a message from a guy that I’m not completely repulsed by, their profile will say something like “Looking for casual fun / no commitment”.

Well, I’m not going to message those guys back, am I? I’m not looking for casual fun. I’m looking for a relationship. I’m 28 years old, what’s the point in beating around the bush? My biological clock has done its ticking thing and I was ready to have babies with Jock before he went and fucked it all up. I know that this is something that won’t go away. It is baby time therefore I need to find an appropriate man to procreate with.

When their profile doesn’t scare me away and a conversation flows quite nicely, he always fucks it up by asking for my number too soon, or trying to share social networking usernames with me. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes, I don’t want to give you my Instagram screen name because then you’ll see my actual private life. Plus you’ll see the fact that only twelve weeks ago, I was sharing photos of Jock and I with clear hash tags that we are together like #love and #bestboyf. I don’t want to talk about that yet and you’ll probably ask about it.

Of course, if we do get to the inevitable number swap and start the WhatsApp chat, the free-photo-sending thing is now an option so they will want a selfie right there and then but not send you one right back. Or they’ll send you photos that they’ve already sent you a couple of days before, or even worse than that, they’ll send you photos that they already had on their dating profile. Mr. T send me loads of duplicate photos and it kinda made me wonder how many girls he was actually talking to, to make him forget which of his photos he had already sent me. #TurnOff

At this point, if you’re still going he will have dropped casual date ideas into the conversation and that pisses me off too. I want to talk for a bit before we have that first meeting. I think I was talking to Jock for twelve days before we had our first date. I’m talking to a guy right now (we’ll call him Mr. IT because he’s an IT nerd… obviously) and the chat had been nicely flowing for a couple of days before he tried to get me to invite him to mine for a DVD and a bottle of wine. He also dropped into the conversation things like “Feeling a bit horny tonight 🙁“.

OK, fine, I can take that but even then, isn’t that a bit TMI for three days in? I’m all for flirty, cheeky banter but does it have to be right at the beginning? When did everything get so rushed? When did online dating mean that romance was out of the question?

It wasn’t long before Mr. IT flashed up with he message I had been kinda waiting for to be honest…

“So tell me… What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done? Threesome?”

Firstly, we’ve been talking for three days. What makes you think I’m going to tell you that kinda thing.

Secondly, if you’re looking for a relationship with this girl you are talking to, why would you want her to be having those kinda conversations with someone she’s only been talking to for three days? Do you know how many other guys she’s sending messages like that to? Would you really be happy embarking on a relationship with a girl that spreads herself like peanut butter? I’m a one-on-one kinda girl. If I’m talking to you, I’m not searching for other guys. If I’m talking to you, you have my full, undivided attention. I would appreciate the same respect back, especially if we have gotten to the number-swapping point.

Thirdly, when did everything get so damn rushed? Three days in and I’m expected to perform, puling stories outta my ass about threesomes and anal? Fuck off. You haven’t even invited me out for a dinner or a drink yet and I’m meant to be your evening entertainment, giving you something to think about as you jerk off into your right hand again?

It’s not long before the picture-requests come and Mr. IT was as predictable as I knew he would be.

Mr. T (the beautiful guy) didn’t even ask, he just sent me a picture of his penis. As did the guy that pulled the “Joey” move on me and then came running back a few months later, trying to hit on me again!

Why do guys do that? Why do guys send you pictures of their penises like some prized possession? Here’s my face, here’s my car, here’s my cock. What the fuck? No! Keep it in your pants. I like the element of surprise. It wouldn’t have been right going to bed with Mr. T after I had seen a picture of his cock because the anticipation wouldn’t be there anymore. I already know what it looks like. I get no fun surprise out of this. Boo.

Mr. IT kinda suggested it – “You could send me some sexy pics?” 

No, no I couldn’t. I didn’t even dignify it with a response. Well I did; a plain and simple “Lol” and then I ignored his messages for the rest of the evening. All two of them.

“Didn’t realise you would be so easily offended” was one of his beauties. I wanted to apologise but I didn’t. I just didn’t respond. Yes, I’m easily offended because you tried to invite yourself over to mine for a blowjob earlier on this evening and now you’re asking me for sexy pictures just three days in when I haven’t even met you? Yes, I’m offended and I’m proud. Fuck you.

I’m a good girl. I don’t cheat anymore. I don’t lie. I can’t lie. I’m useless at it. I’m generous, I cook, I clean, I make you laugh, I give head on demand and up until the point where I found myself with internal problems, I even performed anal on special occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays, christmas, etc. I’m a good girl and I’m worth all the hard work I make you do to get with me. I’m worth every dinner, every drink, every bunch of flowers. Not that any guy ever does that to me. In all the years of dating, no one has ever turned up at my door with a bunch of flowers. What the hell happened to romance? Did it die when online dating turned up and took over?

If you manage to get through that entire rat race of people and faces, penises and cheeky digs to finally meet up with a date, what are you left with?

What have I been left with? Jock – the guy that couldn’t commit to me and let go of his ex-fiance. Or One Ball – the broken guy with just one bollock, five kids and two exes to contend with. Or there’s The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of (Number 34) and his compulsive lying, obsessive need to be with me all he time, and crazy nature. The Fireman on the other side of the world (Number 32) who wore awful silk boxer shorts and almost suffocated me on his couch. In fact, those are some pretty interesting online dating stories too. You should definitely check them out.

I’ve had pretty much zero luck with internet dating and to be honest, as much as it has given me something to write and talk about, I’m bored with it. I just want to meet a 30-35 year old guy with a bit of a jelly-belly, plenty of body hair (but not back), rippling arm and shoulder muscles, covered in tattoos and a great sense of a humour to sweep me off my feet, marry me and give me beautiful babies in the next couple of years. Is that really too much to ask for? Oh, he’s gotta be taller than me too.

Maybe it’s time to just give up.