October 5th, 2013 – Dear One Ball,
I came across this post that I should have uploaded ages ago but didn’t. Rather than just chucking it in the trash, I decided to share it with you anyway. This was the post that I wrote on Jock’s couch while he was out playing with The Redneck, on 5th October. This was what would have been One Ball and I’s first anniversary. So… here you go:
Today would have the one year anniversary for One Ball and I. I think I saw him the other day. He was driving a new car, it was dark and I was just running back from the local corner store with no makeup on, my hair scraped back and a pair of too-baggy jeans on (standard for bumpin’ into an ex, right? Pfffft) but it was definitely him. Just to confirm, I had a quick peek on Plenty of Fish and there he was in my “Locals” section, just less than 1km away. I knew it was him. We didn’t talk – he was in the car and I was scurrying up the road. I’m not even sure what we would have said to each other.
He still has family here and his best friend lives around here but it still puzzled me as to why he would be down in my neck of the woods. Maybe he moved back down here like he said he was going to do for me?
I do feel bad about the way that I treated him. I wish I could tell him that but the last time we spoke, things didn’t exactly go to plan. I broke his heart; I get that. I just wish I could tell him why things went downhill so fast, and also apologise for jumping straight from him right into my new relationship with Jock. I don’t feel that I need to explain anything, of course, but I do feel the need to set some records straight. I get the impression he has a rather different view of the way things worked out for us. I think he thinks I cheated on him which we all know I didn’t do.
It got me to thinking – what would I want to say to him if I had the chance? If he agreed to sit down and speak to me face to face, what would I tell him? Would it even make a difference? We are talking theoretically here; I have no intentions of trying to talk to him. He’s still too angry at me for a start.
If I could tell him, I’d want him to know that from a early start, I knew he probably wasn’t the right man for me. He was too “yes, dear” and I need a guy that can argue with me for a a start. I know I’m a handful; Jock tells me everyday, but I also know I’m worth the hassle. I would do anything for my man, I would buy anything for my man, I would go above and beyond to make sure that he is happy…. I’ve seen other relationships; he would have been lucky to have me.
I knew he wasn’t right for me and I did try to push him away. He knew this, I think. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship because I wasn’t. I told him that my schedule was incredibly hectic and I wouldn’t always be able to fit him in to my life quite as he had hoped. In reality, I was brutally honest with him and yet he still persued me anyway. Does that make the situation his fault or mine?
I told him that I loved him when really, I think it was lust. To be honest, I don’t even think it was lust. I think I just got carried away in the moment, so glad to be out of the dating game, and he got stuck in the middle of my shit. I knew he would never do anything to jeopardize what we had but despite that, I still didn’t trust him completely. I always kept him at arms length. I never let him get close. I feel bad for that but when you know someone isn’t right, you just know….. You know?
To him, what we had was real. To me, I think it was a “gap-filler” which is a shame because he was such a lovely guy. He would have done anything for me. He would have gone out of his way to make sure that I was happy. Admittedly he made some rather whopping mistakes in our fragile little relationship but a lot of the crap that we went through was totally my fault. He deserves someone that makes him really happy; someone that gives him her all. I couldn’t give him my all because I didn’t know what my all was. Just like I didn’t with The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, but he was just a bad mistake. I don’t feel bad that, that relationship ended at all.
Anyway, back to One Ball. There are so many things that I feel he should know. I feel that he should know how much of a good person he is. He wasn’t right for me, but he will be right for somebody. Some girl will give him as much as he can give her. He has a lot of growing up to do and a few changes to make, but for the most part, he’s one of the good guys. And you know what they say; good guys finish last. Well with me they do anyway.
I do feel bad about what happened between us. I genuinely wish that things had ended better and that we could have been friends. I’d love to have him in my life as a friend and maybe one day, it’ll happen. For now, I know I hurt him and I know I broke his heart. I just got to a point where I couldn’t keep up with the charade. I couldn’t keep stringing him along….. Technically I did the right thing, right?
