Just in case you haven’t seen the introduction to my weird list obsession right now, let me direct you to this post: It All Started With A Kiss

Carrying on with the book of lists, I come to number two: LIST THE PEOPLE YOU’D LIKE TO KISS

I find this one a bit ridiculous. I don’t know who I want to kiss because I haven’t met them yet … surely? I might want to kiss the guy I’m chatting to on Tinder right now but I haven’t met him yet so I don’t know if that zsa zsa zsu will be there, you know? Although let’s be honest, I probably don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to kiss someone because they look good in a photo. I want to kiss them because there’s a connection between us – some chemistry, you know?

So in the spirit of keeping up with the book of lists, I’m amending this one too. I’m going to tell you about one man who I will always regret not kissing. In fact, I’ll always regret not doing a lot of things with that man …

My Unicorn

Let me take you back a few years. Six or seven years to be exact. 

This is a man I like to refer to as my ‘unicorn’. He was the perfect man (at the time). He was tall, mixed-race, very well-built with muscles that made me swoon at the mere thought of getting my hands on them. Tattoos too, obviously. He smiled and he had these perfect white teeth, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. Combined with those big blue eyes … Wow. He was quite the man. Now imagine a man like that with a big, heavy chain around his naked torso, doing pull-ups on the bar right in front of my fat ass on the treadmill. The self restraint it took not to lick him was incredible. Or smell him. Fuck I’m weird.

My Bestie on the other side of the world and I had spotted him around town a few times – the gym, a couple of the bars we’d been in, around and about, you know? I had lusted after him from afar, knowing he simply wouldn’t be interested in a girl like me. He was beautiful, really beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen to this day. He could have any girl he wanted. He wouldn’t be interested in the British, blonde, chubby, short girl who probably couldn’t have gotten out the words “Hi, how you doing?” even if she’d wanted to.

One night my boss invited me out. Did I want to go out with her date and her date’s friend — my unicorn? She needed me to be her wing-woman again, just like I had that one time before. (I’ve just made a note to remind myself to write that blog post.) I said no. I decided to stay home with Big Love and try to work on our relationship.

OK, I admit it. That’s a total lie. He’d come home from a ‘few days away’ and I wanted to make sure he wasn’t OD-ing on coke like he had that one time before. I will always regret that decision. I will always regret not trying to kiss that unicorn-man, even if I had tried and he turned me down flat. I will always regret choosing Big Love over a man so beautiful, I didn’t even know if he was real or if I’d made him up. I could never find him on Facebook. Whenever he was brought up in conversation, no one seemed to know who he was. No one had ever seen or heard of him which was weird. It was an in-out place but everyone knew everyone else. A new hottie didn’t come to town without every girl in a 50 mile radius hearing about it. I was sure I’d made him up. If it hadn’t been for my Bestie, I would be sure

My other-side-of-the-world bestie and I had nick-named this man Vin Brown after coming to the conclusion that he looked like the love child of Chris Brown and Vin Diesel, but he’d always be my unicorn – the man so beautiful, he was completely and utterly unachievable. And let’s say I DID achieve the seemingly impossible … You know there would be something wrong about him. He’d have a tiny dick (not that it matters), or he’d kiss really badly. Or he wouldn’t be able to string a sentence together. That would have ruined the image for me, burst the bubble if you like. I decided to leave him as my unicorn. Just in case he turned me down or ended up being a total disappointment. But believe me when I tell you that I regretted the decision the second that ‘no’ came out of my mouth, and I’ve regretted it ever since.

He’ll always be the unicorn I wished I’d kissed …