A Daughter’s Cry

We have a show on this side of the world called The Jeremy Kyle Show. You may have heard of this guy but he’s basically a “Jerry Springer” type that occasionally has good stories as well as the usual dramas of fat people with no teeth shouting at each other.

One of the stories that catch my heart every time is the one where a son or daughter is trying to find their estranged father. If you have been reading my blog since the beginning, you will already know that I don’t know my father. He left my mother when I was about 6 months old and with the exception of a phone call or two and the odd letter, I’ve not had any contact with him. I haven’t met him.

When I was younger, this used to upset me more than I let on to a lot of people. When I was about 14, I went through my Mama Bear’s stuff and found some letters from my Nan – my father’s mother. I sent her a letter and for a while, we kept in touch. She bought me a phone that started a fight between me, my Mama Bear and my Nan, and this lead to me saying something things I very much regret. She died of stomach cancer not long after our fight and one of my biggest regrets was not meeting her before she died. I also regret not sorting out our fight. I will never get the chance to make things right with her and that breaks my heart more than anything else in the world.

My father has a sister – my Aunt. We kept in contact for a while but after the fight, I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk to me anymore.

Anyway, I digress. I found my father when I was 18; almost ten years ago. I found him on the internet, picked up the phone and gave him a call. Literally – “Hi, I’m your daughter.”

We chatted for a while but he wouldn’t answer any questions as to why he left my Mama Bear. He wouldn’t give me even the slightest insight as to why a grown man would leave his partner, who he was supposed to love, and their six-month old child. I tried to arrange a meeting in the year or so that we chatted but got brushed off every time. He is married now, of course; they have a boy and a girl together. I have a half-brother and sister. Technically, I now have two sisters and a brother. I don’t class them as my family. When I’m asked if I have any siblings, I just have the one sister. These people aren’t my family. I don’t even know them.

Since my wedding day when my father sent flowers, I have had no communication with him. He hasn’t even tried to get in touch with me either. I guess he has his life now and I have mine. Every now and again, usually when I’m watching these stories on The Jeremy Kyle Show, I get a twinge for a life that I don’t know about. It would be nice to find out what I’m made of. It would be lovely to find where I get my odd personality quirks from. A lot of me I can see in my Mama Bear but a lot I can’t place and it always feels as if something is missing for me. It’s almost like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in any place. It’s not as big as it used to be, but the feeling is very much still there. I wonder if this has something to do with my absent father?

I have my Papa Smurf – he’s my step-daddy. He has been around since I was like two years old so as far as I am concerned, he is very much my daddy and I would never say otherwise. I’ve always known that he wasn’t my real father, but I’ve never wanted to treat him like any other than the guy that raised me even though he didn’t have to. And between you and me, I was a little shit as a kid. Even into my teens, in fact. I’m still a little shit now.

My Mama Bear and Papa Smurf aren’t together now, and they haven’t been together for about ten years. That’s not a big deal. They both have new partners but to me, they will always be my Mama Bear and Papa Smurf.

The fact that I don’t know my father bugs me every day. It annoys me how much it still bugs me sometimes and I often wonder if my choice of men, and the situations that I constantly seem to find myself in when it comes to men, has anything to do with the guy that couldn’t stick around long enough to see how much of an awesome person I have become.

I’m proud of who I am and what I have done with my life and it would be nice to think that he would think the same about me. The fact is he doesn’t know me and he doesn’t know where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I’m sure a lot of it, he would be rather proud of. I’ve done things that some people never have the chance to do in their entire lifetime and for that, I feel truly blessed. I have seen some breath-taking views on my trot around the world, and I have experienced some truly majestic things. I’ve met some of the coolest people in the world, and I’ve had some sad times too but overall, I’m insanely proud of what I have managed to achieve in my life. It would be so nice to tell him about those things. It would be nice to feel his arms around me and to hear the words “I’m proud of you” whispered into my ear. I’m too grown up to get that sort of shit from my family now, but it would be nice to hear it just the once from him.

I’ve never met him and I don’t even have contact with him now. I don’t think we’ve had contact for about ten years and even back then, it was only for like a year or so. I don’t factor in his life and that’s what puts me out the most. I’m a fucking cool person and I deserve to be a feature in someone’s life. I might have the biggest group of friends but the people that call me their friend will gladly tell you that I am one of the most generous people you’ll ever meet. I have no dramas spending my entire wages if it meant making someone else happy or helping someone else out. I will give you my last penny if I class you as my friend. I’ll always make time for the people in my life that I care about and time is not something I have a lot of. I would walk a thousand miles in the middle of the night for the people that I care about, and I would gladly take a bullet for any of them. I deserve to be a special person in someone’s life. Not just the side show when your other family isn’t around.

I wonder if his kids know about me. I wonder if they will want to find me sometimes. I wonder if he wants to find me. If he really wanted to find me, he would have done something about it a long time ago. He doesn’t care. I don’t want someone that blah in my life. I need someone that is passionate about something and if you can’t be passionate about your own kids, what are you going to be passionate about?

Fuck him.