7+ years of my life in very graphic detail. Dating | sex | mental health | life blog. Frequently #NSFW 18+
Starting from the beginning:
[Oldest Posts First]
10/10/2015: Operation Blog Catch-Up Dear Jock, I’ve got to let you go. I really do. And before you ask it’s not because of The Director. Well, maybe it is a little bit but it’s more because of myself. Because one day I need to learn that what’s done is done and a year later, I reckon we’re pretty much done. Don’t you? I need to let myself have a little bit of happiness. I need to do some stuff for me – the things that make me happy. If I were…
Read MoreIt’s Jock’s Birthday I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you that but I’m pretty sure it’s his birthday. I don’t remember many birthdays. I’m trying to remember how old he would be but I never remembered while we were together so I’m definitely not remembering now. I Facebook-stalked him a couple of days ago and found out where he lived. It’s close to where I live. It’s an uncomfortable feeling knowing we could pass each other regularly and I wouldn’t know. I knew he’d moved closer…
Read MoreIt’s hard work trying to fall in love with yourself when all your life you’ve had people continually tell you and make you feel as if you just weren’t good enough. I was never good enough for The Hubby. He wanted a wife who was thinner, didn’t have as many stretch marks as I did, wasn’t as flabby as I was, had a perkier butt, a smaller waist, no scars from years of self-harm and abuse. I knew all of this because he told me. He told me almost every…
Read MoreWhen I think that life can’t kick my butt any more than it has done, it goes and deals me another blow. Not content with the hellish year of 2015, apparently 2016 is gonna be a bumpy one too. Jock is engaged. Yesterday, I found out that one ex had a baby. Today I find out the love of my life is marrying someone else. My heart has been ripped in two. The news hit me like a freight train. And then I went looking for her online … to…
Read MoreDear Jock, I found out you were engaged last night. My friend signed in to her hubby’s Facebook and stalked you. I don’t know why she did that or why she told me but I really wish she hadn’t. I have cried for twelve hours straight. I had plans today and I had to cancel them because my eyes were so puffy, I couldn’t even see. I’m having a hard time seeing the keys as I type these words but I’ve gotta get them out of me because they’re tearing…
Read MoreI’m trying to be strong but sometimes I can’t help but think about it, about him. I’m keeping busy. I’m not letting my mind have the space or time to think about what I learned, or the photo I saw when I went looking for it. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to think about his engagement. I don’t want to think about the photo of the two of them, happy and very much in love. I don’t want him to occupy any part of my brain.…
Read MoreWritten on Thursday 28th April: We’re in the car on the way home and his music is playing loudly. Some bassy R&B number, probably Usher or someone else I’d usually have no interest in. The lyrics are bouncing around in my head though, “I’ll fuck you back to sleep girl” and “Just hold on tight to me girl”. The song describes Brown Eyes completely. On a good day, of course. On a bad day there’ll be no holding on tight or fucking, just a cold and lonely night in a…
Read MoreSometimes you literally couldn’t write the drama that goes on in my life. Eastenders has FUCK ALL on me, let me tell you. I shall start by filling you in on all the facts… We had that Simon did / didn’t ghost me stuff going on, and during that, although I’m trying NOT to write any more words for that fucking man, BE has been trying his hardest to tug on my heart strings. He’s gotten pretty fucking close too. Will-power standing firm, I’m being a strong, independent woman and…
Read MoreSo … I did it. I responded to *that* Facebook message that had slowly driven me nuts for two days. I couldn’t just let it go, of course I couldn’t. This was my chance to make up for the regret I felt when I ignored his message last time. There was no way I wasn’t going to respond to this one. I don’t even know why I waited as long as I did. So predictable. I accepted the message request and wrote out “Hey?” before staring at it for a…
Read MoreBecause I Can’t Write a Novel – Day 16: I Win I’m probably not going to post this up on the blog right away which I know sounds ridiculous but I’m writing myself a letter for the future. I’m going to file it away somewhere and next time I have a bad breakup, hopefully I’ll remember to come back to this and read it. Either that or I’ll meet my happy ever after and I’ll never need to read it again. Here’s hopin’ I want to tell myself that I…
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