There are little things in life that annoy me so much it makes me want to get violent with people. That’s not socially acceptable, unfortunately, so I started writing them down instead. I found myself with a
little long list on my phone, so I figured I’d pop them into a blog post for you.
Listen, I know I’m nuts. Some of this stuff is totally nuts. That’s why I called this blog post “21 Irrational Things That Piss Me Off’. Irrational — the clue is in the title.
Anyway, you ready?
1 – Photoshop
People who heavily Photoshop their photos and then post them up on Instagram like no one’s meant to notice.
Why? You look polished. Like, waxed, shined and polished. You look like a shiny vase. Or a newly-waxed car. You were beautiful before all that weird smoothing shit. Stop Photoshopping your images. I can cope with a filter, I can’t cope with Photoshopping.
Wait, I’m not done yet. Makeup artists who use a video filter to make their skin appear 100,000,000 times smoother in tutorials and reviews than it actually is in real life.
They used the product and then STILL needed a filter to make their skin look that good. I want to know what the product looks like in real life. What’s the point in me buying it when I’m only going to look that good with a filter over the top?
2 – Capitalisation
People who capitalise the first letter of every word in their social media update …
What the fuck are you doing?
3 – Ring Pulls
Specifically, food tins that come without ring pulls. I can’t use a bloody can opener, I’ve never mastered the art. My family bought my grandparents those electronic, countertop ones when I was a kid, mostly because they all had arthritis, so I’ve never really had to use a real can opener. One of the old-fashioned ones.
Can we please stop manufacturing lids without a damn ring pull? For the longest time, I didn’t even own a can opener and had to undo everything with a few well-placed stabs of a knife. There was almost always blood.
4 – Empties
People who put empty bottles of juice or milk back in the fridge. Or people who put empty packets back in the cupboard.
Even worse than both of those, the fuckers who put empty chocolate wrappers back in the tin of Roses.
Get in the bin, all of you.
5 – Rude Retail
Rude retail assistants … what the fuck is that all about?
Like, seriously, that’s your job. Do it. Or quit and get another job.
No, you’re not meant to be stood behind the till chatting to your work colleague about some guy you blew over the weekend. You’re meant to be serving me and helping me find the right size because I’m too damn short to reach the top rails. And I swear to God, if you tut at me when I try to catch your attention one more time, I’ll ram this coat hanger, with the garment still on it, up your snide, perfectly-shaped ass.
While we’re on the subject of shops:
– shops that play Christmas music in October
– shops that play their music too loud
– shops that have their heating so high there are multiple dehydration casualties during peak hours
– shops that have their air-con set to such a cold temperature I feel the need to buy every damn coat in the store, despite it bring 26+ degrees outside and I’ve got a sweaty mustache forming
6 – Mornings
Mornings, in general, piss me off, but people who wake me up first thing in the morning make me maaaaaad.
No, I don’t want to listen to your music at 9 am on a Sunday
No, I’m not happy that you decided to start DRILLING at 7:30 am on a Thursday morning.
No, I don’t want to have a conversation with you before lunchtime. Kindly fuck off.
No, I’m definitely not impressed that workmen outside have started noisily clanging scaffolding poles around at 8 am on a Saturday after I worked until 5.
Pretty sure I’ve turned into my Nan.
7 – Fast food
I get really annoyed when food places don’t get my order right. Seriously, how difficult is it to make me a double cheeseburger with only cheese and ketchup? I worked in a fast-food joint, so I know how the process works: you literally tap the right buttons on the screen — double cheeseburger, only cheese, only ketchup.
Even more infuriating of course, is when you’ve waited over an hour for your fast-food meal to arrive, only to tear open the bag and realise they’ve given you a doner kebab instead of a chicken one, it’s smothered in chili sauce when you asked for garlic, and the chips went cold about three weeks ago.
Don’t even get me started on baristas who get my coffee order wrong in the morning. Good luck with that one, mate.
Bear and I have stopped ordering takeout. We went on a spree for a while, but not only were we sick more often than not after eating our cold, unappetising feasts, it cost us an absolute fortune. And the food was never that good.
Even my cooking is better than that shite.
8 – Getting Dressed
I hate it when I have this absolutely awesome idea for an outfit in my head, but when I go to buy the items and piece it together it looks like someone dressed me from the lost property box at school.
If you can guess how many New Look changing rooms I’ve cried in, I’ll buy you a cookie.
9 – Doorbells
People who ring my doorbell when they’re trying to get in the building for someone else …
Do I look like the fucking reception desk, pal?
Do I have a “Hello, my name is” badge on my fucking t-shirt?
No, I do not, and my doorbell doesn’t say, “Apartment reception desk, ring for assistance.”
In fact, it says my flat number. And that’s not the flat number you want, so you shouldn’t be fucking ringing it.
10 – Bad Tea
People who can’t make a good cup of tea. (That includes me, sadly.)
Oh, and people who put the milk in first.
YOU BLOODY MANIACS!
11 – Late, Late
When an invoice clearly states “Payment within 7 days” but the client takes over two months to pay …
Oh yeah, I love that shit right there.
12 – Candles
Big groan about candles that don’t smell strong enough. As far as I’m concerned, this is practically every candle on the market. I do like a Yankee Candle, but I also enjoy making my own. I can put as much of the damn fragrance as I like in there, then. Also, candle-making makes the house smell nice.
13 – Honesty
Why bother sending me a product to review – HONESTLY – when you’re going to ask me to take out all the honest [translation: negative] points in the final post?
You’ve seen the way I work, right? Read my other reviews? Seen the kind of thing I drag other products for? Maybe you should check them out before you offer me the damn products, that’d be a start.
If you ask for honesty, you’re gonna get it.
14 – Fakes
People who buy fake designer items.
The fake designer items themselves.
The only fakes I like are furs, thanks.
15 – Photos, Photos
Isn’t it fun when you take 1,500 photos and not ONE of them is usable?
NOPE. NOT FUNNY.
My photography skills are utter shit. I keep staring at all these bloggers and their amazing photos, screaming at my phone, “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE YOUR PICTURES LOOK SO DAMN AMAZING?!”
I’ll scroll through hundreds, thousands of photos on my SD card with the intention of editing them so they look half decent, and they all look like they’ve been taken by a five-year-old.
That tiny one-inch screen on my camera really does NOT have my back.
16 – Mirror Image
Why is it that my mirror makes me look fucking fantastic after I’ve gotten ready in the morning, but as soon as I take a selfie in the great outdoors, I look like a bloody potato?
Cheers, thanks for that.
The contoured zebra look was exactly what I was going for.
17 – Size What?
Here’s something guaranteed to RUIN my day: tugging on a pair of freshly washed jeans that seem to have shrunk FIVE WHOLE SIZES in the washing machine.
I already have to buy a size 14 instead of a size 10 or 12 because this particular store doesn’t think I’m worthy of a size 10 or 12, and then I have to deal with my apparently size 14 jeans shrinking to a size fucking 6 when I wash them?
The jeans-on dance around the bedroom is getting more and more unattractive by the day.
Please make jeans that come in the right size, and please stop making them shrink.
18 – Reminders
When you say to someone: “Remind me to plug my electric toothbrush in. It’s dead.” and then they don’t remind you … how annoying is that?!
And then, when you get ready to brush your teeth when it’s time for bed, the damn thing is dead and you need to go back to old-fashioned manual toothbrushing. I hate that with a passion. I’m too lazy to manually brush my own teeth. I also don’t think my teeth feel properly clean unless I’ve used my rose gold electric toothbrush.
Remind me to plug it in tonight, won’t you?
19 – Netflix n’ No Chill
I hate it when I’m halfway through a Netflix binge, snuggled comfortably under my duvet, and then that poxy buffering circle comes on in the middle of a black screen. Or it decides to ask me if I’m still watching, forcing me to get out of my comfortable position and look for the remote to tell it that I am.
Drives. Me. Mad.
20 – Action
My upstairs neighbour has this magical little gift of knowing just when I’ve pressed the record button a device to create a video, choosing that particular time to start elephant-stomping across the floor.
How does he do it?
Every. Single. Fucking. Time.
The guy is like a rhino, shuffling and stomping and grunting and making all the weird noises under the sun.
And then, the second I stop recording (usually with the right hump because the cock has interrupted my day AGAIN), he stops making all the noise.
I set things back up and press record again, and hey presto, the fucker starts up the stomping dance routine.
21 – Best Laid Plans
When nothing about the day goes to plan. Bear doesn’t go out. I can’t record. People don’t turn up when they’re meant to. Upstairs neighbours are too loud. People don’t pay. People don’t call. Projects don’t get finalised. Emails don’t get sent …
I can deal with one or two things going wrong, but if there are three or more things going tits up with my day, I generally call it a write-off and go back to pajama-writing mode. I get to a point where I just can’t be assed with the day anymore.
But what about you? What pisses you off?