*Long post alert*
So, I’ve been going #BacktotheBeginning on Twitter, sharing all the old posts right from the beginning again. The name gives it away really. One of my recent finds was this little beauty from July 2012 > What Do I Want in a Man?
I had a read through it, laughing to myself, mostly because of the poor writing quality but also because I was a funny fucker. It’s funny how things change too. Some of the things I wanted back then are still important now, of course, but my priorities have all changed. It’s been five years, I guess that was to be expected.
He must be able to spell.
Well, that’s not so important now. I’m a writer. Although I’m very well aware that my writing is far from perfect (just check the typos), I’ve long since come to the understanding that people just don’t care how they write these days. Typos in messages, although cringey for some, just don’t phase others. Writing isn’t that important to other people, non-writing people. Life is too short to worry about how to spell a word when you can just shorten it to three letters and one syllable. Don’t get me wrong, if I were to find myself single again and some lad sent me a message like, “Sup bbe, whatcha up2?” I still wouldn’t date him. But five years ago I would have corrected his mistakes whereas now I wouldn’t bother. Do you know why? Because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and most of these people can’t see the problems with the spelling in their messages to start with. Sometimes it’s by accident, but mostly it’s just down to laziness.
I want a man that looks good.
Let’s just scrap that sentence entirely. Looks are not important to me at all and that’s something I’ve definitely learned in the last five years. I have a “type”, obviously, but I wouldn’t say the chaps I date are conventionally attractive. I think they’re hot as fuck; I wouldn’t have dated them if I didn’t find them attractive in some way. I know they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, though. I’m generally dating the guys that other girls don’t want. I want the bearded chubsters with a tooth missing and no hair.
I just find weird things attractive. Bear is beautiful to me, but other people don’t understand my attraction to him. I don’t care what they think. When I make him giggle and that smile cracks his face, he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. But with no hair, a grey beard, a tooth missing, and more than a few wrinkles thrown in for good measure, I know he’s no oil painting. I’m not either. Especially right now in writer mode – no underwear, no makeup, a baggy tee, Bear’s joggers (with elasticated ankles), and my hair thrown back into a ponytail. At least I washed it yesterday. Before that, I hadn’t washed my hair in, like, four days. I hadn’t had a shower in two …
I want a man that is a man.
This still very much applies but I’d like to rearrange the sentence.
I want a masculine man, with masculine features, and that can do super handy things around the house. I don’t want a delicate flower because I’m a delicate flower enough for the both of us. I can take care of myself, I just can’t be bothered to. (LOL!) I’m 3o-something years old now, I don’t feel the need to prove my independence to a man. I know I’m independent as fuck. I’ve been looking after myself for many years, and I think I’ve done a damn good job of it. I’m not dead yet.
But I want my man to wrap his strong, secure, safe arms around me and just let me cry for no reason on his shoulder. I’m hard as fuck when I need to be, but I don’t always want to be like that. I want someone who can be my secret Bear just two steps behind, jumping in when I need them to.
Good personality, a man who can challenge me (both in and out of the bedroom), not a lapdog …
They’re all very valid points, and all things I still agree with. I still need someone who challenges me, both in and out of the bedroom, and I’m never going to be the type of girl who enjoys “vanilla” sex. Well, vanilla sex all the time; I don’t mind it every now and then. I’m getting older after all.
But, sex isn’t as important to me as it was a few years ago. Lots of things aren’t important to me as they were a few years ago. Money, for example. Money is a classic example.
My opinion on money has changed a lot. I think I need to talk about this in greater detail at some point, but I seem to be attracted to men who are the absolute worst with money. Brown Eyes, Jock, Big Love … they’ve all been bloody useless. I don’t care if he [whoever he is] has his own money. I can usually earn enough to keep us both going, if necessary, and I wouldn’t turn down a date with Mr. Unemployed straight away. I’d put some thought into it first.
Five years ago, I wouldn’t have even gone on one date with a man who didn’t have a job, but now I know there’s more than one reason behind NOT being in employment. Bear has opened my eyes to an awful lot, especially as far as mental health problems and employment are involved. To be fair, I think I’ve learned that lesson myself.
So, what am I looking for now? What are my priorities now?
I want the kind of man that will be a good father. Scrap that, I need the kind of man that will be a good father. I want kids, I definitely do, and that’s become more apparent over recent years. It’s something that’s come up in conversation a few times with Bear I think he’d be a fantastic father. Not the best, but I’m not even so sure that someone can be the “best”. He tries damn hard, though, and more than that, he tries hard to become a better father every day. Surely that’s all you can want from a father?
Flip things around, however, and I’m starting to come around to the idea that I might NEVER have kids. I’m only 31, I’m still young, blah, blah, blah, but I do know it’s gonna get harder and harder the longer I leave it. I’ve done my research … too much of it probably. So, this means I need a man who can fill the void that might be left if I can’t/don’t have kids. I quite like my life without them and I love Bear’s Son a shit ton more than I ever thought I could love someone else’s kid. Is that enough? Who knows? I do know that I’m more than content with my little set up right now. Me, my fella, his kid, and my cat. It’s a beautiful little dysfunctional family. I kinda love it.
I don’t need a man that will support me or anything like that. I got this. I can handle the adult stuff … mostly. I’m a bit disorganised and my bills are sometimes paid late because I’m the least grown-up person I know, but I can handle it. I can make all the money we need. I do need a man who is driven, though. He needs to have goals of some description, even if they aren’t the same kind of goals I would have. Even if he doesn’t really know what he wants, he must be driven enough to better his position. Not frantically, but … y’know, enough. I’m an absolute workaholic. Given half the chance, I would work my entire life away. I need a man that’ll understand that side of me, but who also has the capability to drag me out of it from time to time. This goes back to needing a guy who won’t be my lapdog. Sometimes I really do need draggin’ away from my damn laptop.
Things have changed an awful lot. The stuff I once found important just seems so superficial to me now. Bear is probably far removed from anyone my family and friends would put me with, but when they see us together, they always say we are made for each other. It’s wonderful to hear, I won’t lie, and I just hope it stays that way. We have our ups and downs, like most other couples, but I love that man to death. As far as I’m concerned, he’s got everything I want from a man.
Someone left a comment on my original post, back in July of 2012, and this is what they said:
“You do not ask for too much. So all I can tell you is this…If you want all those things in a man, BE those things in a woman.”
And I took that advice on board at the time. I like to think that I do have all the qualities that I would expect a man to have – loyalty, good communication, funny, honest, a bit ditzy and more than a tad clumsy. I’m not so sure I could be described as a “good mother,” but I’m not one. Yet. I do know that I’ve managed to keep a cat alive for three years, and I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping myself alive too. I’m just saying, I’d date me and have kids with me.
But what I want in a man isn’t defined by looks or status. I want an old-school gentleman who’ll slap my ass as I walk past, but only when I want him to. I want him to carry my bags and put up shelves and take the trash out, but I also want him to accept that I can do it all, I just choose not to. Bear and I have “pink” jobs and “blue” jobs in our house. There are some jobs I don’t like doing and there are some jobs he doesn’t like doing. We work it out. It’s got bugger all to do with gender, but the colours just worked at the time.
I want a man who’ll respect me out of the bedroom, and totally disrespect me when we’re in it. At the same time, he can’t get offended when other things are important. These things include work, which I spend, like, eighty percent of my life doing. If you can’t get on board with that, we won’t work. It’s not going to change. In fact, the workaholic side of me has just gotten worse and worse as the years have rolled by.
Above all of that, I want a man that’ll love me for who I am right now. Not who I was, not who I could be in the future, but who I am right now. I think I’ve found that man. He’s got most of the traits I would want, and a few I didn’t even realise I wanted. He’s not perfect, but I love him.
MAN have I had to kiss a lotta frogs to get here?!