I have all these blog posts I really want to post, but instead I’m wasting my time with that fucking moron again. Once again, despite our last email exchange, Brown Eyes still hasn’t got the picture, and right now he’s more than pissing me off. Now he’s actively wrecking my relationship.
It was 9am, I’d woken up desperately needing to pee and it was freezing cold outside the duvet. When I got to the bathroom, my 5-day-late period had arrived, which I was seriously thankful for but it pissed me off nevertheless. Periods suck. They really, really suck.
I did the necessary and skipped back to where Bear was sound asleep in his bed. I grabbed my phone quickly, just to check my emails to see if I’d received payments I’d been waiting on, and I saw that I’d received another message from what one of my brilliant Twitter followers called a “cock juggling thunder cunt,” otherwise known as Brown Eyes. It’s now become my favourite cuss.
Excellent. So much for leaving this fucking prick in 2016 where he belongs. We’re only 10 days into 2017 and he’s already popping up. Some people really cannot take a hint. I didn’t really know what to do. It was cold, I really wanted a cup of tea but Bear always makes the first drink of the day (and I hate my own tea), and I didn’t really want to wake him up yet. I knew he would have wanted me to wake him up in that situation, but it was 9am. He’d gotten up and taken the kid to school, and then came back to bed. He was also snoring his little head off.
For about ten minutes I sat there, re-reading those words in the email. Each time I did I could feel a prickle behind my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, I refused to. I’d wasted enough of 2016 crying over that idiot, I didn’t want to waste any more time, or tears. A knock on the door shattered my thoughts, and it woke Bear up too. He hopped out of bed to answer it, and by the time he’d come back, I’d worked myself up so much I just burst into tears. Excellent work at playing it cool. I’m such a wanker.
He read the email. I just handed him my phone. I couldn’t talk, so I figured I’d just show him what had upset me so much, and it really had upset me too. None of the words really meant anything to me, none of his apologies anyway, but there were a few little one-liners that really struck home with me. Bear was furious. Pacing up and down the room in his pants, I even laughed. The situation was so ludicrous. He shouldn’t have gotten to me as much as he did, but my period had just came, and it was five days late, and although it would have been the worst timing in the world there was a part of me that actually secretly hoped I was pregnant. There, I said it. But I was already emotional before that email, and then those words … they broke me a little.
I know he doesn’t give a shit about me. I know he’s probably really lonely. I know he probably does regret his decision to screw me over like that, but he really is deluded if he thinks there’s any chance of a reconciliation, which is exactly what I’m about to tell him. I’ve typed up a really to-the-point email. Something that basically states one final time that I’m not interested, I don’t want him, I don’t want him in my life, and who I date or where I choose to live is none of his concern. I also told him to leave Bear out of it. The stuff he said about Bear was NOT cool, and I really don’t blame him for being raging mad. That’s why I’m emailing him. Something’s gotta happen, and if I don’t do it Bear will. I get the impression that will aggravate things even further too. Bear saw his email address though, he remembers it too. I fear the smallest thing is going to tip him over the edge. I think he’s only one email away from punching BE’s face in, and that’s definitely not what I want to happen. Bear would get into trouble with the cops, and once again Brown Eyes would come out squeaky clean like he always does.
There were a few things in the email that really got to me though. I can’t let this go this time around. He spoke about Bear and I having matching tattoos, but no one knows that we have matching tattoos. It’s not on either of our social media accounts anywhere, so we don’t know where he got that information from. Someone we know is clearly drip-feeding this information back to him.
Not just that, Bear and Brown Eyes have a “mutual friend”, and he, VERY coincidentally, got in touch with Bear via Facebook today. One of the first things he mentioned was the “new girlfriend,” and now we’re sure that BE has got this mutual friend asking questions too.
It’s creepy – everything that’s happening is just creepy. Plus, he mentions me “messaging him again” in his email … Bear questioned it. I didn’t message him again, not after I told him not to contact me again. Why did he say that? He’s made it sound like I’ve been getting in touch with him this whole time, and that’s just what my boyfriend thought too. I’m really trying to keep one step ahead of this prick, but he’s making it really difficult. I’ve ignored him, I’ve blocked him, I’ve spammed him. He just keeps finding new and interesting ways to get in touch with me. And the fact that he talked about seeing my Instagram just proves that he has multiple accounts. He’s blocked. He can’t see my stuff. Yet he can still see it?
It feels like I’m being watched. Stalked. I am not comfortable with this. I tried to express my views to Bear today, but he dismissed them a little and it made me really angry. I don’t know what Brown Eyes is capable of, that’s what scares me. There have been a lot of things that haven’t added up recently, and … I don’t want to bring it up again, but I need to, don’t I? That kitchen-scene? I’m not saying that I’m going to end up murdered in a ditch somewhere, but … fuck it, I’m anonymous here, I’m fucking scared that I might end up murdered in a ditch somewhere! He’s the kind of crazy I can’t work out. I don’t know how far he will go because every time I think he’s reached the lowest point, he finds a new one to plummet to. I don’t trust that he won’t hurt me. I have this weird feeling about him, not a good feeling, and for him to still be stalking me, and now admitting as such, six months later …. I’m not happy. I’m not comfortable with this AT ALL.
I’d go to the police but he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. I spoke to a policeman friend of mine about it. He told me that because BE hadn’t actually really done anything, it would be hard to prove my case. Plus then I’d need to bring up that kitchen-scene … I’m not wiling to think about that any more than I already have. And then we have the minuscule chance he knows about my blog. What if he “outs” me? It feels like I have limited options here, and I’m really starting to freak out about it. But how am I meant to tell Bear this? It would just make him even angrier, and I don’t know if I’m wiling to see what happens when he goes full-Hulk. When I told him I was scared of BE a bit, Bear laughed it off. He’d protect me. He’d make sure I was okay, but in reality he thought that BE was a pussy and a coward, and he’d never have the balls to do anything now he knows there’s another man on the scene. I just wish I was so sure. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way I feel right now. I don’t understand why, six months later, we’re still having this goddamn conversation.
So, we’ve come up with a plan. I’m going to send him that one final email that clearly states “Fuck the fuck right off. Please.” If he gets in touch after that, Bear can have at him. I’m sick of telling this guy to fuck off. He’s not listening to me. And my silence isn’t working either, for those of you telling me to block and ignore him. I have done all of the above, multiple times over, and he’s showing no signs of going away, or even of slowing down. In fact, his urgency is becoming more and more obvious. The emails are closer and closer together, and he’s admitting things like the Insta-stalking. I now know for sure he’s the proud owner of multiple accounts. I can’t block the ones I don’t even know about yet. He’s gone and brought up Bear now too … I’m just worried about what might come next.
But the fact that he mentioned Bear means that Bear is now involved. And I can’t blame Bear for being angry or offended either. I would feel exactly the same. It wasn’t his problem before, but now Brown Eyes has gone out of his way to make sure we have a problem, all of us – the three of us in this weird fucking love triangle that two people don’t even want to be involved with.
Can you believe this shit? I mean really, can you believe it?