So, where we at? Oh yes, I’d just admitted I made that whopper of a mistake for what feels like the bazillonth time. But why? Well, because I think there are some similarities between him (BE) and Bear (my new BAE). I also think I need to talk about them. But where to start?
Bear: I’m going to tattoo myself tonight I think.
The moment I got that text, I called him. Call it female intuition or gut instinct, I don’t know, but I read far too much into what should have been a simple text message. Nothing before it, nothing after it, nothing to suggest it meant anything other than what it was. But there WAS something about it. I could feel it. Sense it, if you like? A little alarm bell started ringing deep inside me somewhere. I picked up the phone and called him.
“What are you going to tattoo on you?!”
No hello, no hi, no small talk – let’s get right to the heart of the matter here.
“Well … I had such a great time on our first date, and I don’t want you to think it’s a tattoo for you as such, but I thought I’d get a little momento of the day.”
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Fuck. Shit. Cunt. Bugger. Fuuuuuuuck. Why does this keep happening to me? I know I said I like boys with tattoos, but this is taking the piss. In case you weren’t aware, this is the third time this has happened to me. THE THIRD TIME! Jock got a tattoo after our third date. BE got a tattoo after our first date. And now Bear’s doing the exact same thing. You couldn’t make this shit up.
He went on to tell me all about the tattoo he’d designed and was going to ink on himself. It was a bug with a leaf and some other stuff. Nothing to worry about, right?
I have a bug tattoo on my leg. I have some other stuff on my leg too, but I have a bug on my leg, and that bug is like a ‘thing’ of mine. I have bug-bags, bug-earrings, a bug-related nickname … I’m that particular Bug-Queen. The tattoo that Bear had just described to me was that bug. It was also basically exactly the same as the tattoo that BE had designed and inked a few months ago … After our first date. For me. Not quite the same, but close enough to freak me the fuck out. So that’s just what I did.
I decided to come clean to Bear about BE. I like Bear and I don’t want him to go anywhere, plus I need to make some special allowances because Bear isn’t just one person. I have Good Bear and Bad Bear to worry about. I don’t want to do anything to risk ‘us’, whatever ‘us’ is right now, so I told him everything. Everything except time frames obviously. He doesn’t need to know that BE wasn’t actually that long ago. (Right?)
I told him the whole story. I cried as I told him too. I told him that I was worried that we would bump into BE seeing as they didn’t actually live that far apart, and that although I definitely didn’t want him in my life now, he did hurt me and I was still getting over that a bit. I voiced my concerns over BE’s power and control, and how he could make even the most illogical things seem completely logical. I probably said too much if I’m honest, but in true Bear-style, he took it like a champ, offering advice where he could and generally just doing what I wanted him to do – listen.
There are a lot of similarities between BE and Bear, something else I told him during that emotional conversation. The tattoo, for example, and the speed at which Bear is starting to develop real feelings for me. Or so he says. I care for that man, and it would be weird now to go back to a time where he wasn’t in my life. We don’t see each other halfway near as much as we should do, or want to, but we talk a lot. We haven’t slept together yet either … which brings me to the next thing I probably shouldn’t have told him.
“Sex complicates things that would otherwise be clean-cut. If some of the people in my past hadn’t been so good in bed, I wouldn’t have given them a second chance, let alone the hundreds of chances I did. I don’t want to sleep with you right away. I want to get to know you first – become friends with you, flirt, send saucy text messages and provocative pictures that show nothing and everything all at once. I want to take my time. I don’t want to fall MADLY in love. Or lust. I want to know all sides of you first.”
Brave move? Or just a stupid one? But the way I think of it is this – sex gets me into trouble. I’ve been reading back over some of my old blog posts lately, and it’s been quite an eye-opening experience. When I ‘click’ with a guy in bed, I lose all sense of … everything. I don’t make good decisions. I make bad decisions at the promise of feeling THAT good in bed afterwards. Or on the couch. Or in the car. I fuck men before any of the bad stuff happens – the fights, and the annoying quirks and foibles (I LOVE that word!), and if he’s really good in bed, it clouds my judgement – I see him through fuck-tinted glasses.
I know Bear has a bad side. He has schizophrenia. I also think he’s going to ruin me in bed which I’m obviously super excited about. (We’re not having sex but we do talk about it.) I need to see some of his bad stuff before I put on my fuck-tinted glasses though, otherwise my judgement is always going to be clouded. I don’t want to sleep with him yet. And I told him that. I also told him he would need to go to the clinic and get himself checked out before he came anywhere near me. He thankfully agreed to the lot.
He’s a very reasonable man for someone so damn unreasonable at the same time, and I’m just worried. Worried that he’ll turn into another version of BE later on, or that he’ll fuck me up in the same way BE almost did. I guess I’m just voicing some concerns early-on, making a note of things that could potentially cause an issue. But the not-sleeping with him yet thing is a good idea, right? Like, that’s a smart move? I was proud of myself for that little gem. Now all I’ve got to do is stand by my word.
Shouldn’t be too difficult …
(P.S. After I told him about BE’s basically matching tattoo, he agreed it was a dumb-as-fuck idea, and has promised not to get any me-related ink.)