My Deal-Breaker Is Flatulence

Of all the ridiculous reasons I’ve ever been given for a crush / dating / relationship deal-breaker, flatulence has got to be one of them. He didn’t even use the word flatulence either — he said farting. He actually said:

“My deal-breaker is farting. I can’t stand it. If a girl ever did that in front of me, I’d be disgusted.”

Wow. 

This has bugged me for a while and I wasn’t going to write about it because I thought perhaps I’d overreacted. He was a little cutie, a guy I could see myself liking from the few days we’d chatted, a guy I genuinely thought I’d quite like to meet, but as soon as he said that I realised we couldn’t have a future. I’m not a big farter, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around farting all over the place but sometimes, you know, I get gas. I’m human. More than that, farts are funny … aren’t they? Call me childish all you like, but I thought farting was a ‘milestone’ point in a relationship? Like you’ve been with someone for a few months, you’re comfortable enough to accidentally let that little puff go … Isn’t that how it works? No? Just me?

When I laughed so hard I accidentally let one slide at the last mistake’s house, he laughed and hugged me. When I first farted in front of Jock, he responded in exactly the same way. In fact, that’s usually my response when a guy farts in front of me for the first time, and every subsequent time after that. Men do it first much sooner in the relationship too, usually within the first few weeks!

But all that aside, all those “relationship-flatulence rules” aside, who makes a regular bodily function a deal-breaker? I can’t stand it when people blow their nose in front of me but I wouldn’t call off a crush because of it. People fart, burp, sometimes sneeze and yawn too … Who takes flatulence that seriously? 10/10 in the overreaction states for a fart that hasn’t even happened yet. I mean bloody hell mate, we haven’t even met yet.

I can’t believe I’m writing a post about farting. I really can’t. But it can’t just be me who thinks this is a ridiculous deal-breaker? No wonder he’s been single for ten plus years. That’s an unachievable goal for anyone – EVERYONE BREAKS WIND! I’m assuming he burps? Or farts himself? I didn’t even bother asking. At that point, I realised he wasn’t right for me. You’ve read all about the whole bowel-cancer shit-storm I went through right? Again, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around farting all over the place but if I have even the slightest lacto-anything, I’m gonna get gas.

I ghosted him, I’ll be honest. Not like proper ghosted but slowed down the pace of messages until eventually he didn’t even bother responding. I think he knew it was the fart that did it. Or lack of …

Oh, and here’s a question I probably shouldn’t ask but I will anyway – can you imagine what his response would have been if I’d LOVE PUFFED in bed with him? Or maybe it’s just butt-puffing that disgusts him? (Not that I’m a regular love-puffer either but you know, it’s a question that begs to be asked!)

I’ve had some bizarre dating stories to tell over the years but the guy whose deal-breaker was farting will definitely be the one that made me giggle the most. I even giggled as I wrote this, and there was no actual farting involved!

But yeah, I ghosted the guy who told me farting was a deal-breaker. That’s a new low blow (ha!) even by my dating-story standards.