I rarely remember my dreams so the ones I do remember often stick in my mind. Last night’s dream was one of them, one I woke up from suddenly. We were together. We were wrapped up on his couch at least, except it wasn’t in his house. It was his couch but I didn’t recognise the surroundings – odd beige walls with furniture I’d never seen.
I had my arms wrapped around him and he was crying. Not big, heaving tears, just little ones, slowly sliding down his cheeks. I kissed him and I could remember tasting the salty tears on my lips in the dream. But then we weren’t on that big black couch in a room I didn’t recognise any more. We were in his van, holding hands, laughing and singing along to the music. I don’t remember the song. I don’t remember what we were singing. It was sunny outside. The sun felt warm on my face. That’s when I woke up. My cat had knocked the curtains slightly and the 730am sunshine was beaming right through the crack onto my face. I guess that’s why I woke up. That’s why I felt the sunshine on my face.
For a second when I woke up, I forgot we weren’t together and I grabbed my phone to text him good morning. Except his message thread wasn’t there. I deleted it three weeks ago. That’s when I remembered. It was just a dream. I was just dreaming.
It was a feeling I can only describe as massively upsetting. Like a big disappointment. I’d woken up stupidly happy, a warm feeling around me. And then it hit. Boom. We broke up.
I don’t understand why I had the dream. I don’t understand my hazy confusion when I woke up. I don’t understand why all of a sudden I got really sad about it, just this morning, when otherwise I’ve been just fine. I think I’ve handled the entire situation brilliantly. What’s so different about today to make me feel like this? Like he’s the only thing in my head?
I woke up and hopped straight in the shower, doing whatever it took to try and clear my head. I felt compelled to message him, I still feel compelled to message him, but I won’t. I’m not even going to look for him. I don’t know where my phone is right now. I can’t trust myself with it. No stalking, no messaging. I’ll find that ‘over the ex’ selfie I’m trying to avoid, and that’s just self mutilation. I know the feeling will pass and I also know I have nothing to gain from doing that. If he wanted me in his life, he’d have apologised for the nasty things he said. In fact, he wouldn’t have exploded like that in the first place. He wouldn’t have pushed me away so viciously. He showed me how he felt about me. He showed me how little I meant. I don’t know how I feel about him. My judgement is too clouded to be trusted right now clearly. I woke up forgetting I’d broken up with my ex-boyfriend. Imagine if I HAD text him. Awkward. I really don’t handle mornings well.
I guess today is just a bad day. It’s all good. Tomorrow is another day, and it’ll be a better day. But today is tough. Today I just miss him.