Things That Turn Me Off #4: Unsolicited Dick Pics

Things That Turn Me Off #4: Unsolicited Dick Pics

I’m a sensible girl, a realist if you like, and I’m aware that using certain internet dating sites will likely result in a cock-shot-related ending more often than it doesn’t. It’s not that I don’t like a nice, friendly dick-pic from time to time but seriously, my phone’s camera roll is filled with so many of them now and what makes it worse, I couldn’t tell you who half of them belong to.

I think maybe I’m a little prudish when it comes to sending photos of my naked body around but I tend to keep these kinds of images reserved for the people who I feel deserve them – men who have put in some effort for me, someone I’m dating or at the very least, sleeping with regularly. Ish.

I’m not against the idea of sending nude pics. No, not at all. I’ve gotten carried away with the naughty nature of it just like anyone else. What I am against is the hurried nature in which they’re sent.

“Hi, my name is Jeff, I’m 40 years old, I’m a lawyer, and here’s a picture of my penis. He says hi too, by the way.” 

Great, thanks Jeff. Now we’ve got the hot topic of your penis out the way, perhaps we could go back to more traditional methods of conversing and start off with a simple hello?

I just don’t get it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, some of these penises are undeniably beautiful and if I said I hadn’t thought about running my tongue down the length of them, I’d be lying. But a penis pic is very much the same as any other penis pic. I’ve seen it all before. Whether you’ve got your foreskin intact, or you’re nine inches long, or you have the most saliva-inducing throbbing veins running down the length of it, I’ve seen it all before.

The bath pic, the selfie in the mirror at work pic, the underneath-the-duvet pic, or the just getting in the shower pic… I know them. I’ve seen them. They’re not original. Do you know what is original? Sending me a penis pic where it’s been beautifully adorned in a pirate fancy dress costume. Perhaps a little pirate hat and an eye patch! That would be original. It would also make me laugh. I wouldn’t mind that! 😉

Jokes aside though, I get that you have a beautiful dick but that’s only half the journey for me. I need to feel something towards you, some kind of physical connection that makes me want to take you to my bed or the nearest dark corner and shove your cock in my mouth without a care for who the hell knows about it. That’s what I want. And you can’t tell me I’m asking for too much because I’ve had that connection before, with more than just one man.

I just want to feel something for you, not just some kind of lust-induced connection with your penis, especially if I haven’t requested the pic in the first place. Literally thrusting your penis in my face is a little too much for me. If we’ve not met, you’re getting the blocking treatment. Probably. It’s just too forceful. I want a man to want to get to know me and as much as I want him to objectify me later on, three or four dates in when I’ve taken him to my bed, I don’t want him to penis-me-up quite so early on. Is there really any need?

What gets me the most is the perfect timing of these cock shots. It’ll be in the middle of the afternoon and I’ll be chatting away with a work client via Skype and then all of a sudden, my phone will ping and up will come a beautiful, throbbing, veiny penis in all its erect glory. Awesome, beautiful pic mate but you just made me snort my tea out my nose. Now I’m torn between showing my client your beautiful penis, (she’s a single, sympathising young woman so she’d laugh for sure) or covering it over with a cough and mentally reminding myself to block you later. I mean, is there a right and wrong way to react to a penis pic? If so, could someone please educate me as to the right way. Because honestly, I don’t know.

(Receiving a cock shot on public transport is the worst. To the 60-odd year old woman who saw Someone New’s floppy cock the other day, I’m still very sorry… I’m also still giggling.)

If I were sending photos of my opened-legged glory to every man I even thought about taking to my bed, I’d probably get quite the name for myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with sending photos of your open-legged glory to every man you see. If that’s what you enjoy, crack on. I won’t judge you. But that’s just not my style. I like to think I have an air of mystery about me. The last time I checked, that was still an attractive trait to a man. If that’s the case, why do I need to bare all quite so soon? And, if you’re expecting a naked picture of me before we’ve even met, I’m sending you a voice message of my fart too. Sorry but if we’re getting it all out in the open, you might as well get everything I got.

But do you see how ridiculous this is? Men don’t want to date the girl who sends naked pics of herself to every guy she sees but it’s perfectly okay for a man to do just that to every girl he talks to. Every guy tells me he’s not the nude-photo-sending type but then goes ahead and does it anyway. Every guy also tells me he doesn’t want the girl who sends nude photos of herself to a whole bunch of men but then tries to persuade me to send them to him… Because he’s “special”.

Yeah sure, so were the fifty potential dates who didn’t get past “hi” before you…

All that aside, what happened to anticipation? What happened to the excitement of unbuckling each other’s pants, not knowing what was going to pop out from underneath? I love that excitable feeling. In all the cons I can come up with for one-night-stand sex, the excitable, not-knowing nature of it certainly acts a pro for me. It’s a shame one night stands make me feel so shit about myself.

But how am I meant to get excited about your penis if I already know what I’m getting? If I already knows what it looks like? If I already know what bumps and veins to expect, and how much pre-ejaculate you’re going to produce? Stop taking all the exciting bits away from me! If I already know what you’re going to do with your fingers and tongue (because you insist on telling me as much as you insist on sending me pictures of your dick), at least allow me the pleasure of unwrapping your manhood for the first time and exploring every tantalising inch of it without knowing what to expect.

Just some advice for guys who are looking for a relationship and not just sex, stop sending me photos of your penis. Sometimes the not-knowing is better. Plus if you’ve got an ugly penis, I’m probably not going to want to meet you.

See, look what you did now.

*Disclaimer: These views are my own, they do not reflect the views of all women. 

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