Just You Wait And See.
Today was a good news day. Bestie went and got himself a job! Woo hoo! Oh and I got the all-clear. I’m no longer under a specialist for either my bowel or my cervix (the latter came two days ago).
It’s been a rough 16 months or so. First with the pre-cancerous bowel polyp, or tubulovillous adenoma if you want to get all technical about it, and then with the two bad smears. The mass they found last time, that little patch of “suspicious looking” cells came back as just fine. The biopsy was fine. It was believed to be scar tissue. Back to three-yearly routine smears I go.
I burst into tears. The awfulness of the last 16 months is over. They caught the potential bowel cancer before it became a problem and now I’m five yearly monitored. They caught the potential cervical cancer before it became a problem too. The treatments and procedures may not have been pretty but I still have my life… And my child rearing components. Let’s face it, that’s all I was really worried about.
To be fair, I do have a habit of overreacting but when you’re faced with the prospect of never having your own kids, you can’t help but get a bit melodramatic about it. It’s also made me evaluate things too. I was lucky. Both cancer scares could easily have gone the other way – the bad way. But they didn’t. They went the good way and now, after far too long, it’s over. It’s finally over.
I’ve had time to focus on what the potential outcomes could be. It’s been going on for over a year, it’s hard not to think about it. But I didn’t know how I’d react if I were faced with a hysterectomy. Or another session of LLETZ for that matter. They tell you not to worry but there’s still risks associated with even the ‘simplest’ of treatments. With every LLETZ procedure I would have, the risks of not being able to carry full term would go up. Eventually they wouldn’t be able to cut out anymore and it would be an all-out situation. I felt like I couldn’t breathe whenever I thought about that. Whenever I read the information packs they sent out, it would feel like I was being suffocated. You need to face this, they were screaming at me. All of a sudden, I judged myself for every sexual encounter I ever had wondering which one of the cretins gave me the dreaded lurgy in the first place. HPV positive… It sounds like something you don’t wanna be, right?
But it doesn’t matter now. None of it matters. All that matters is that I’m now officially all-clear. Both lots of pre-cancerous cells have been removed. I don’t need to worry about it anymore. Well, until the three or five yearly checkups. I’ll cross those bridges when I come to them.
But now I need to figure shit out. I WANT to have kids. I’m very sure of that now. I want to find Mr. Right and live happily ever after. I deserve that. I work hard, I’m loyal, I’m generous… I deserve all that. And more.
It’s been a hellish couple of years. But I have a feeling 2016 is gonna be a good year for me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why. I don’t even know if it’ll be man-related but it’s gonna be a good’un.
Just you wait and see.