I had my colposcopy on Monday. Petrified wasn’t quite the word I would have used to describe it. What’s worse than petrified? Well, I was that. Double scared. After the LLETZ last time, I wasn’t looking forward to having it a second time around and I’d convinced myself it was going to happen. Plus that whole HPV positive thing really puts a dampener on things, you know?
In case you’re not all caught up, here’s a little bit of background.
I had my second ever smear at 28 and it came back with high grade dyskaryosis.
I had a colposcopy and they did the LLETZ. That came back with CIN 2 and 3 with clear margins.
Six months later I had my six month check up which came back with mild dyskaryosis and I tested positive for high risk HPV.
I was then referred for a second colposcopy. That’s where we’re at now.
Off I toodled to the hospital and the appointment began. One of the first things the (female) doctor said was that I WOULD NOT be having the LLETZ treatment again. Not today at least. I haven’t had children yet and because of that, they didn’t want to take any more of my cervix away unnecessarily. Instead they would take a closer look at the area and go from there.
In position I got, all dignity left at the door, and up she went. They put this weird acid stuff on there to show things up a little more and I won’t lie, the feeling of someone having a good root around isn’t a pleasant one. I did the whole embarrassed bad-joke-telling thing I do where I try to make everything funny and just make myself look a right tit, but overall I guess it wasn’t so bad. This time I had a lady doctor. Last time I had a man doctor. I think I prefer having a lady. She explained things to me much better than the man had done and because I had that understanding, I didn’t freak out so much.
They found a little patch of bad looking cells so they took biopsies to see which CIN grade it is. I’ll get the results back in four weeks or less and then we’ll work out what happens next. If it’s CIN 1 still, they’ll leave it and see if it goes away by itself. If it’s any more than that, there’s a good chance I’ll need some sort of treatment….
It all seems so straightforward when I write it like that. It’s not that straightforward in my head.
They found another patch of cells. I know that because I saw them. Honestly, it’s great having a wide-screen look inside your own vagina. Ladies you should give it a try some time. But yeah, just to the left of that hole in the middle of my cervix was a white patch of cells. It looked a bit like a little mole. But a white one instead of a brown one. I get the impression I would have had the LLETZ procedure there and then if I hadn’t had it done a few months previously. She took a few biopsies I think, I wasn’t looking at that point. They weren’t meant to have found anything up there this time. It was meant to have been 100% effective last time. It wasn’t.
She told me that the patch of cells could have been left there from before. Where they had removed a part of the opening of my cervix, the inner part had pushed out a little (so gross I know) and more of the inner part was now on show. It could have been that the patch of cells had originated from in there and had worked their way out.
They told me the LLETZ they did last time had been successful and it had come back with clear margins. If it had come back with clear margins, how could it have left a bit? The bit they’ve just found? Or is this a new bit? It didn’t look the same as it did last time. It wasn’t all squiggly-piggly white bits but more a mass of white. It looked like a mole.
Of course I’m now absolutely terrified. I’ve spent the last couple of days crying. I’m terrified now. This stopped being funny a really long time ago and I’m getting a little sick of bad news after bad news. That’s not the only thing getting me down (obviously) but it’s a big part of it. Now it’s just that dreaded wait for the results. Again. That’s all my life seems to be now, waiting for some set of results or another.
I can’t wait for all this to be over. I want my life back soon.