I was watching Sex and the City earlier on today and it was that episode where Aidan and Carrie are living together, engaged, and she is having a very serious negative reaction to getting married / trying on a crappy dress. I remember the first time I watched the series, thinking that Carrie and Aidan made such a great match, but I figured she would always get back with Mr. Big at some point. Aidan was too nice, wasn’t he? Almost too perfect? I like to call those guys the sickly-sweet guys. Nice and all, but only in small doses.
It kinda made me think a little. Someone New is very much like Aidan Shaw. And Jock was very much like Mr. Big. If she could love two people at the same time, couldn’t I? Couldn’t I still be in love with Jock, whilst falling in love with Someone New? Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a TV series but there are a lot of similarities. As I watched it, my head couldn’t help but get carried away…
There’s a big part of me that still cares for Jock very deeply. It’s almost as though we are ‘unfinished business’. We never got the chance to end it properly, just like every single one of the relationships I’ve had before. I think that’s what makes my breakups so difficult. I don’t think I’ve ever truly had an ending. With Big Love, he left before I left, leaving me heavy hearted to say the least. I always thought he would try to stop me from leaving. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he didn’t now. But I always thought he would.
I even ran away from the Hubby too. He was still in the war zone. I came back before he did. I packed up my stuff and I left. Another guy that didn’t get an ending. But, in my defence, I reckon I had put up with all the bullshit I was about to handle from these guys. I had cried all my tears. I didn’t think an ending was necessary. Maybe it was?
Even with Jock there was no real ending. He just started internet dating again. That was it, that’s how I found out. We didn’t talk for a few weeks, just like many of the fights we’d had before, and then he was on POF again. He didn’t even have the balls to tell me it was over. That’s what made our breakup the most brutal of all. It felt like it went on for forever. It still is going on. I still miss him in a devastating way. His presence is still missed in my life. There are still things I want to tell him, show him, giggle away at with him. I still see things that I want to share with him, and I still hear songs that make me think of him and smile. I might be out of his life but he is definitely not out of mine. Not by a long shot. I feel bad for Someone New. He’s always in Jock’s shadow and I think he knows it too.
But what if Jock is my Mr. Big? What if I never care for another man like I cared for him? What if Someone New is just my Aidan – the guy stuck in the middle? If Jock came up to me right now and kissed me; really pushed me back against the wall, grabbed my face and kissed me, I wouldn’t have the strength to push him away. I wouldn’t even want to. I would cheat on Someone New in a heartbeat if Jock came running back. What’s even worse is he probably knows that too. I have made no attempt to hide the hurt I still feel for the ending of that relationship. I am only human. I know Someone New is too – he’s still hurting from the girl that broke his heart. I wonder if I’m just his Aidan too? His in-between?
There’s still a very big part of me that refuses to believe that’s all there is between Jock and I. I know you’re probably all very tired of hearing about him but surely there is something to be said for trusting the way you feel? I feel that our breakup was wrong. I feel that we failed because of piss-poor communication and given the chance, a second time around, I would make sure I didn’t make the same mistakes again. I miss that man so much. Still. After all this time. I love him so much still too. The thought of him doesn’t just make me sad, it makes me so happy at the same time. It’s bitter-sweet and at times, practically unbearable. That’s too much emotion to feel for one man.
Just as always though, I won’t do anything about it. I won’t un-block him on Facebook like I keep I thinking I should, wondering if he would have the balls to message me again? I wonder if he would even notice? Maybe he would one night, as he scrolls through his Facebook messages and realises my face has once again come up instead of that generic white and grey Facebook outline that often accompanies a blocked profile. Do you see how crazy this man makes me? Crazy in love.
But seriously though, what if Jock is my Big Love? What if he’s the guy I should be with, but my stupid pride just got in the way? I care for Someone New very much, and I am slowly but surely falling in love with him. But I can’t help but think he’s my Aidan.
I don’t want to break Someone New’s heart like Carrie broke Aidan’s.