The Doppelganger
I see this guy every day who is the absolute spitting image of Jock. It’s his actual Doppelganger. I don’t know why or when it started happening, but I always seem to see him. There was the time I walked down the road from the train station on the way home from work and passed him on the street. Then there was that one time I looked out my window at the *exact* moment he walked by it. It’s starting to feel like I seem him every single day and every time I do, my heart genuinely skips a beat. I think it’s him. Jock. I’m short-sighted, so from a little distance away, it genuinely looks like him. And then, every time I realise it’s not him as we get a little closer to each other, I get so disappointed. My heart actually plummets with disappointment.
We’ve not spoken in such a long time now, I don’t really know why this is all happening to me. He never did get in touch to find out whether or not I actually had bowel cancer, which was nice of him. [Not.] He doesn’t know about any of the cervical stuff I’m going through now either. I guess it was for the best that he ran off when he did; if he couldn’t handle his ex with one cancerous situation going on, he’s certainly not going to have a great time dealing with my double helping scare.
I’m over it now, moving onto Someone New, but occasionally my heart still pines for him. Every time I hear All of Me, my heart stops. Every time I see the Doppelganger, my heart skips a beat. Every time I come across another photo of him that I’d forgotten about, my heart pounds through my chest. I do miss him. Every now and then, I miss him. I let myself listen to our song on the way to work and my eyes fill up with tears. I don’t let them escape down my cheeks, but I do let them start to pool in the corner of my eyes. It’s okay that I still miss him and I still get upset. I have a heart. And my heart was broken. He was the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with. I know that’s something that won’t go away overnight, if at all. I’ve accepted now that he will always be the one that got away. I know everyone thinks he was bad for me, but he’ll always be the one I really wanted. A bit chonky, old, and grey, yes, but he was everything I’d been looking for.
I don’t think Someone New is going to be the next love of my life. I actually see quite a lot of similarities between him, One Ball and The Lapdog. I think he’s going to be a gap-filler; someone that fills my head and time while I’m waiting for the storm of Jock to pass. I don’t really know if I’m allowed to say that out loud, but, oh well, I’ve said it now. He’s too much of a control freak to be a long-term thing for me. Too much of a nice guy at the same time too, quite bizarrely. He won’t be able to control me and that will frustrate him eventually. The nice guy persona will be ripped down one day. He says how I am keeps him on his toes right now, but how long will it take before it annoys him rather than excites him?
On top of that, there’ve been a few red flags for me. Those warning bells don’t seem like much now, but I get the feeling I’m going to look back over them later on and realise what a tit I was for not paying attention to them. You know … like so many other times before, because I never learn.
One of the biggest red flags for me, was when I woke up the other morning and found 84 – yes, EIGHTY-FUCKING-FOUR – Whatsapp messages from him, a huge whack of them silly selfies. Another red flag was on our third date when he grabbed my phone and took about 100 selfies because that was the only part he had access to. He checks up on me a lot, asking where I am, what I’m doing, what I’ve eaten, what I’m going to do … all the time. At first, I put it down to him being a good, attentive, enthusiastic boyfriend. Now I’m wondering if he’s a control freak and/or massive nutter. I’m starting to worry it’s the latter.
Maybe he’ll surprise me and be a good guy after all? We’ve definitely got chemistry, but is that always enough? Are these real warning signs, or is this all feels so unfamiliar to me? Jock wasn’t like this, not even at the beginning. He never gave a shit where I was or what I was doing, which probably should have been an alarm bell by itself really. Is it so strange for my new boyfriend to want to know how I am, how I’m feeling, what I’m up to? Is it really so strange for him to want to put a selfie up on Facebook of the two of us together after just a month? We’ve had four dates. He asked me to be his “girlfriend” before we even slept together. To be fair, we do talk a lot; we’re always Whatsapping or Facetiming. He tries to call me every day. It’s exhausting being in constant contact, but I do enjoy talking to him.
Before I forget, I need to add this guy to my list. Someone New – Number 47. Christ, these are starting to add up fast. Maybe if I was a fourth-date girl more often I wouldn’t be looking at such a long list. Maybe I should set myself a limit? Get to 50 and that’s it, no more sex with new people! I either have to reuse a blast from my past (The Fireman has been in touch again. Maybe I could get back with the ex?) or become a Nun. Technically, I can only have 49 lovers, because I need to keep one space open for the Bestie in case we do decide to get married and procreate one day. That’s if they leave my cervix where it is.
Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels
I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and I genuinely hope all goes for the best.
I completely understand what you are still feeling about your past relationship and I 100% agree with you: You are allowed to still be upset and sad.
I can also understand how getting into a relationship too soon after we haven’t recovered fully from the previous one can be seen as the ‘rebound’ relationship. I am not saying that there are no exceptions but there is a high possibility that you are still not ready to fully commit, no matter how much in a hurry (like me) you can be because time is a pressure itself (if you know how to get rid of this mental pressure, of this quarter life crisis, please let me know 🙂
Now lastly, about Someone New, I would probably connect faster to someone like Someone New than someone like Jock, I need a fair amount of attention and dedication. However, I’d rather if it was nothing too extreme. There has to be a very good reason for someone to be so passionate about us so soon – and we if don’t ‘see’ it, that’s a problem. I have also recently seemed to have learnt that when things don’t feel ‘right’ right in the beginning, they probably are not ‘right; :/
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you my dear. I shall wait and see before I pass judgement. I don’t want to disregard him for being ‘too much’ if he’s just being an overexcited puppy! xo