I came across a pretty funny post on the Lad Bible on Facebook. In fact, Bestie shoved it down my face like he does with so many of their funny and sometimes quite offensive posts. 14 Things Blokes Think When Going Down On Women was the post in question, and it prompted quite the response from me! 😉
1 – Yes… you should have looked up “clitoris” before you started working away on it. Well, about an inch away from it. Look it up, make sure you know what it looks like, and try to locate it (subtly) while working away on me down there.
While you’re there, the clitoris isn’t the only thing you should be concentrating on. Play with the lips – suck them, tug them, and nibble on them lightly. Flick your tongue around my opening, let it slide occasionally further down south than you would usually dare. Use your fingers but don’t just prod them in and out of me. If you ever see that going on in porn, turn it over. That’s not what girls like. We like you to use your fingers by playing, probing and caressing the crevices of the inside. Find my g-spot. It does exist, I believe I have managed to make myself g-spot orgasm, and yes it does make me squirt. Probably not at first, but eventually it does work.
2 – No I’m not watching TV. Sometimes I need to concentrate. That’s not a bad thing, or a dig against you, but it takes me a bit longer to get there than it does for you guys. Give me a minute – just because I’m lying back with my eyes closed doesn’t mean I’m falling asleep. There’s so much more to oral sex than just the orgasm. When a tongue laps around my pussy, it feels like heaven. It’s just a nice feeling. Sometimes the build up to the big “O” is actually nicer than the “O” itself… Just saying.
3 – Yes – I like a bit of boob action. In fact, my nipples have a direct connection with my clitoris. Play with my nipples the right way and you can make me wet without even needing to take a single item of clothing off. While you are going down on me, look up, raise your arms and play with my nipples… Roll them around in your fingers, flick them lightly for a bit, graze your nails over the surface and make them spring to attention. It is personally guaranteed to make me climax quicker…
4 – Please don’t cough into my vagina. Don’t burp, fart, giggle or talk into my vagina. The odd groan of appreciation is alright from time to time but honestly, I’d prefer it if you just shut the f*** up.
5 – Let me touch my own boobs. Most of the time it’s to keep you interested anyway. If you lose interest, you’ll stop and then I won’t climax. It might take a while but if I make life interesting and decide to touch my own clitoris or play with my own nipples, let me get on with it for a second and then take over and do it yourself. Nine times out of ten, I’m showing you what I want you to do anyway.
6 – You can have sex with me after you’ve made me climax. It’s not like your oral. Your oral is to make you climax. My oral is for you to make me climax… and to make it feel super-great when you penetrate me. Honestly, that first thrust happens and I have goosebumps all over, especially when you’ve just gone down on me. I’ll tense and clench around your cock like nothing before so it’ll benefit you too.
7 – Put some music on please. Silence is off-putting.
8 – I don’t mind kissing myself off your facial hair later 😉
9 – Why don’t you lean to the side, or get on the bottom and pull me on top of you? I don’t mind doing that, but you need to learn you’re not going to have my undivided attention. I’m concentrating on climaxing myself right now and sadly, sorting you and your penis out is at the very bottom of my to-do list.
10 – Shush. My eyes are closed because I am enjoying it. I’m also thinking about that one time my female friend made me climax that night we were drunk, and she went down on me. Sometimes we need a helping hand.… We think about other people and scenarios. We know that you do too, and we would never, ever admit it to you. You probably shouldn’t admit it to us either.
11 – Please don’t stop too soon. Keep going until I’m twitching. When I twitch, it means I’m sensitive so at this point, you should stop. Stop trying to think you can make me climax again quite so quickly. What you are doing now feels like agony.
12 – Stop your bitching. My thighs suffocating you should be the confidence-booster it’s meant to be. You just made me climax. Good job buddy!
13 – Yes, I came. Please don’t ask me that question. You’ll know if I didn’t. I’m gonna be really pissed at you. I’ll probably storm off to the bathroom and run the tap for a while. I’m not washing my face; I’m using the sink for support as my knees buckle. I’m getting myself off because you didn’t. Dick.
14 – Don’t leave it two seconds. Once I’m twitching, work your way up my body with your soft kisses until you get to my lips. Stare right into my eyes for a split second before you watch my face, plunging deep within me. Watch the goosebumps erupt all over my body, and listen for the little gasp of air that escapes my lips. That’s your prize! Enjoy it! 😉