Something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is, but something is definitely wrong. I feel out of sorts. Not quite right. Irritated and restless. It’s driving me potty.
I’ve thought a lot about self-harming recently, but I’ve not actually done it. Not in a grab-the-razor-and-cut way, anyway. But a few mornings ago, when my hair wouldn’t go right, I scratched the tops of my arms so hard that I drew blood. I didn’t mean to, it’s just a … thing. Almost like I don’t know I’m doing it until after I’ve done it and it starts to hurt. When I got home later that night, there was blood on my work t-shirt. Obvious blood. I wondered why no one had mentioned it to me, but I was thankful they hadn’t. I didn’t even realise I’d scratched hard enough to cause scab-worthy wounds.
This is how it starts, my pattern of depression and anxiety. Little things. Scratching too hard, or picking too long. I have a habit of picking the skin on my lips until they bleed, plus I’m a nail-biter. I’ve tried for years to stop, but I think it’s just one of my anxiety ticks now. I’ve got more than a few of them. There have been times where I’ve pulled whole clumps of my eyelashes out, and I have a habit of spacing out and over-plucking my eyebrows, enjoying the stinging sensation of each hair being removed at the root a little too much.
I know something is wrong. I can see the symptoms of something being wrong. I just can’t work out what actually is wrong.
Things aren’t going well with One Ball and I.
In fact, they’re going pretty disastrously, but I don’t think that’s the whole reason I’m spiralling out of control right now. He was due to visit me the past two weekends and I’ve cancelled them both, plus I’m already trying to think of reasons to cancel the next weekend we have planned together. We definitely need to break up. In fact, I need to break up. I don’t know how he’s feeling.
What happened? A whole load of him not letting me get on with shit, that’s what. It got so bad when I was trying to work one night that I had to put his calls on auto-reject, and then I forgot to turn it off which of course cause the biggest fight ever. It’s all too much. He wants to be in constant communication with me and it’s all just a little too much. I’ve got other things to do, you know?
When I took his calls off auto-reject, I had a barrage of shit to deal with. Angry text messages and voicemails, the lot. I had left him on radio-silence for longer than planned, admittedly, but I still didn’t think my behaviour justified the tripe he was sending me. He clearly doesn’t trust me. I can’t think why. It’s not like I’ve done anything. Quite the opposite, actually; I stayed faithful to him when I had the chance to stray.
I think One Ball might be too clingy for me. Too needy. He’s not a bad guy and he definitely doesn’t deserve for me to do shitty things to him (like cheating), but he’s not the right guy for me. It’s not going to work. Didn’t I say I thought we were experiencing the beginning of the end?
We made up just like we always do, but I just don’t think I see this going places now. We’re too different, or maybe we’re not, I don’t know. But we definitely don’t fit right together … or he doesn’t see to fit right with me. He’s perfect at times, but it’s only here and there. He’s part-time perfect, not full-time perfect and obviously, it’s the latter I’m looking for.
So, yeah. I need to break up with my boyfriend. I also need to get laid and get my frustrations out. Speaking of which, I think I mentioned my new boss at work before? Well, I’d quite like to fuck him. I’m developing a bit of a crush which is clearly a sign – in itself – that One Ball and I aren’t doing very well. I never get crushes when I’m 100% into the person I’m with/dating.
And then, as if things weren’t bad enough for me in the man/lover department, I decided to stalk Big Love again. He moved into a new house with his new girlfriend and he’s living the life we should’ve lived together and MY HEART HURTS, OKAY?!
Ugh. Just ugh.