Big Love My Dating Life My Mr. Grey One Ball 

1 Sleep to Go. Where am I?

2.5-minute read

One Ball is turning up again tomorrow. I’m nowhere near as prepared and ready as I should be, and everything that I have tried to sort out has fallen apart. I’m starting to feel a little down, like life is deliberately trying to get me down. Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic?

I went lingerie shopping so that I could treat One Ball to something new and cute, but I made the mistake of not trying on the bra before buying. Instead, I threw caution to the wind, bought the same size I bought last time from the same store, and hoped everything would turn out okay.

The pants were too big and didn’t frame my ass in quite the way I’d hoped.

The bra was too small and couldn’t contain my huge bust. It’s not like I could even throw it on the loosest hook and hope for the best either; my nipples were poppin’ out at every opportunity. It was not a bra to be trusted.

I then tried the stockings on and they gave me tremendous top leg fat folds, and the actual seam running down the back had been sewn wonky. I couldn’t even get them to sit straight flat on the bed, so they just looked hopelessly ridiculous on.

It was a mess. An actual mess. By the time I’d finished with my trial run of the new underwear, I was in tears. It was a lingerie-based breakdown – and a spectacularly dramatic one at that.

And that’s the actual real-life stuff, not the stuff in my head. I’ve been a mess over the whole My Mr. Grey situation. I was honest with him about my new relationship and we’d talked through the miscommunications that led us to where we are now but it still feels unfinished. As though there are unspoken words hanging over us.

Big Love has been playing on my mind as you can probably tell from my last sad post, and I don’t understand why that is. There are days where it feels like I’m 100% over him, but then this one depressing day will knock me for six. I’ll dream about him as I sleep, daydream about him when I’m awake, and think about him constantly. Like a brief breakup relapse.

I am looking forward to being in One Ball’s arms again, but today it doesn’t feel as right or as perfect as it did before. We had so much fun the last time he was here, and we had so much great sex too. We had the 10 Things I Hate About You blip, but even that seems to have passed relatively smoothly.

So why am I so restless? Why does it feel like I’ve lost my spark? What’s the reason behind this big down-ness I’ve been feeling? I’m not even excited about having sex … what’s wrong with me?!

And to counteract my depressing mood, I did the thing that always worked in the past to cheer me up: I dyed my hair. But it didn’t go to plan. I chose a bright orange shade, one of the only shades I’d not yet experimented with, and it is BRIGHT orange … and it doesn’t suit me at all. I hate it. But I’m stuck with it because apparently orange is the hardest colour EVER to get rid of. Not even my regular colour stripper works and that stuff has worked with every single colour I’ve used it for up until this point.

My hair might be bright, but my disposition is not.

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