I keep having these L-word urges, people. I’ve wanted to say the L-word to One Ball at every moment of every day, for the last few days. It’s literally all I can think about. *He’s* all I can think about. And … I think he might feel the same. I sure hope he does.
We’ve had a few really good chats the past couple of days. Text chats, I mean. We send love heart emojis in our text messages, and just the other day, we were messing around when he sent the words:
“One Ball ❤️ NotSoSexintheCity”
(With our actual names, but, ya know, anonymity and all that.)
It flashed up like a big neon sign – HE FUCKING LOVES ME – but I didn’t say anything about it. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. But inwardly, and also to Bestie, I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g o-u-t. It’s okay for me to think about saying it, but it’s not okay for him to think about saying it. And it’s definitely not okay for him to say it loud. Or, rather, via text message. I don’t know why this is making me feel so weird, but there you go.
Later on …
One Ball said to me: “How come you ignored the love heart message I sent you earlier?”
I lied to him, telling him that I was getting ready to go out at the time and wasn’t paying full attention to our messages, and apologised.
“I was worried I’d taken it a little too far,” he said. “I didn’t exactly realise what I’d sent until after I’d sent it.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, cool and calm. But I wasn’t cool and calm. What did he mean by that? He didn’t realise what he’d sent until after he’d sent it? Did he not mean to say that to me? Does that mean he doesn’t love me? I know I didn’t want him to say it yet and the whole topic was making me all nervous, but this complicated confusion isn’t helping matters. Say it, or don’t say it. Don’t just dilly-dally in the middle somewhere.
(Yes, I’m a hypocrite, I know.)
Later on that night, we resumed the conversation, flirting and laughing and joking, as we do.
“You’re smitten! ?” I said at one point.
He replied with a screenshot:
What does this all mean?!?!
Is this his way of telling me that loves me? That’s he ready to say the big L-word?? It feels like he’s trying to get me to say it first, saying things like, “You need to learn what smitten really means before you use it,” and asking me, “Are we on the same page?”
I bit the bullet in the end, sending the one thing that I’d been thinking for a while but had been too afraid to say out loud: “I’m so scared you’re going to break my heart.” He did exactly what I thought he was going to do: he said all the right things to try and put my mind at ease … so how come it didn’t work? How come it didn’t put my mind at ease?
I chatted with Bestie about it.
He thinks I’m ‘there’ already, and that he knew it when I forgave One Ball for all of the massive lies and betrayals we’ve already gone through.
“You’re a fool for forgiving him,” said Bestie. “And you know what’ll happen when you get involved with a squaddie again. I’m just looking out for you. You know this is all going to end in disaster.”
Is Bestie right to be so dead set against One Ball? If I wasn’t worried about falling in love with this new boy before, I definitely am now. Am I a fool for forgiving him so freely? Am I making a massive mistake in telling him that he has my heart?
I don’t know very much at this point, but I do know that I feel like saying that L-word every time I talk to or think about One Ball. I’m so scared that I’ll blurt it out at a really inappropriate time, or in a really inappropriate place. Every time I hang up the phone, it’s hanging in the air.
“Yeah, bye …”
When I absentmindedly send good night texts, I almost add the L-word on to the end. It’s right there, at the tip of my tongue, at all times, and I genuinely do think that feels the same way … so what’s stopping us from saying it? Is it too soon? Maybe it’s not right? If it doesn’t FEEL right, does that mean WE aren’t right?
Saying I LOVE YOU to someone I actually think I love shouldn’t be this tough, right?