My horoscopes have said recently that an old flame would get in touch. I actually thought they were referring to Number 3 from the other night: So I Got Turned Down. Turns out I was wrong. The Big Love got in touch. This was last night and I’m still reeling…
Our old friend and tattoo artist had hung himself. It was a courtesy message. I couldn’t believe it. This guy was so full of life, and such a talented artist; how had this happened? I stalked the Big Love‘s Facebook. He had rushed to tell me before he had even said the obligatory RIP message on Facebook! What did this mean? The tattoo artist and I weren’t close. We partied a few times, he did two of my tattoos, the three of us did coke a bunch of times, and I watched a lot of the Big Loves tattoos…. I couldn’t understand why he had felt the need to rush home and tell me about it. After a wee message frenzy with my one of my girlfriends from the other side of the world, she had thought it was a reason for him to message me without seeming desperate, and that perhaps things weren’t that great with him and his new girlfriend. It was weird however, it was very civil and I sent the last message… It was our first real conversation since I had left about 8 months ago. It knocked me for six, and now he’s in my damn head. I went through some of our photos later on last night and found a good one of the Big Love and the tattoo artist during one of the many coke filled “inking” parties. I emailed it to him with a message:
Remember the good times.
He had said that he had been ranting on the artist to do a few touch ups and he felt bad about it. They were close at one point, but I didn’t know whether or not they were still close. All I had was the obligatory “I hope you are ok, my heart goes out to you” message.
And now he’s in my head. I thought One Ball had given me the big crush I needed for just now, but now he’s like the smallest thing in the world to me. The Big Love is all I can think about. Why did he message me? How is he? What’s going on with him? Should I message him again to find out if he is ok? What the fuck am I doing? This guy ripped my heart to shreds, and I’m letting him work his way back in. The worst of it is he probably doesn’t even know it!!!!
Why am I putting myself through this again? Getting over him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I’m not even there yet! Why am I letting him get into my head? Why? I dreamed of him last night. It was a good dream. We were happy on the couch that WE bought, wrapped in the blanket that we ALWAYS snuggled up in, watching the TV that I had helped him hook up. Fuck him. And fuck those happy memories. Where’s my One Ball or My Mr. Grey when I really need them?!?