So, folks, I’ve got something to tell you all and I think you’ll be very proud of me. Actually, I have three quite exciting things to tell you.
Are you ready?
One: I’m in a relationship … kinda.
Two: I told My Mr. Grey exactly how I felt about him.
Three: He told me that he felt the same.
Just give me a moment while I jump up and down on the spot and scream with flipping glee.
Give me another moment. Imma need it.
It started when I sent him this message:
I miss you … but more this time. does that make sense?
And then he responded with:
“I feel the same, proper lost without you xxx”
And then my response text ended up being too long, so I turned it into an email. And I had to call my mother first to squeal down the phone at her a little, at which point she told me that she always thought that me and My Mr. Grey would always just end up together, and even more so now that we were ‘grown-up’. In short, my long email to him said that I wanted more out of our relationship. I wanted a proper relationship. And I was hoping that he felt the same.
It turned out to be a long-ass day. I sent that email in the morning and he didn’t respond to it until after 11 that night. Longest day EVER. My mother kept checking in with me, with hourly text messages, asking if I’d heard anything back yet. Every time I had to tell her that I hadn’t heard back, my heart sunk a little bit more. Why was he taking so long to respond? I’d just basically told him that I loved him and wanted a relationship from him, so what was up with the lengthy response time all of a sudden? I’d scared him away. I was sure of it. I’d gone too far. The thing I’d worried about the most – wrecking our friends-with-benefits situation – had happened.
I distracted myself with Number 43 – The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, just chilling, watching films, eating pizza. And at about 11 o’clock that night, just as I was preparing to get into bed next to another man, My Mr. Grey finally responded:
“Hey, gorgeous! I’m smiling, and you know what? I’ll tell you why: you! I just read your email and I feel the same. I’m just sitting eating beans on toast with grilled cheese on top. Oh, and thinking of you!”
Oh my god.
Oh my fucking god.
He feels the same.
HE. FEELS. THE. SAME.
I’d been so nervous waiting for his response that I almost threw my phone right across the phone as I read it. And when I told him just how nervous I’d been, he told me that I shouldn’t have felt that way and that I was amazing, and that he needs someone in his life and he thinks I’m the one. He’s also crazy about me, respects my wisdom (what?!), and knows that I would look after him.
I got what I wanted … but what does it mean?! Are we together now? I think we are together, but does he think that? Because at the exact time I received that message, I was in bed with another man and desperately trying to get out of the booty call I’d booked myself. I pretended I had a headache and had to cuddle the booty call to sleep, but I didn’t sleep with him. If I’m in a relationship with My Mr. Grey – a proper one – I’m not going to fuck someone else. I’ve waited long enough to get to this point. I’ve got no intention of fucking it up with a stupid, horny mistake now.
But are we exclusive? Is that what his response to my long email meant?
My massive statement of love – the one that was meant to simplify everything – has actually gone and fucked things up further. Before I sent that, we were FWB’s and free to do what we wanted for the rest of the time. Now I’ve sent that, I have no clue if we’re free to do whatever we want, or if he’s already still doing whatever he wants with other people. I know that it felt wrong to think about fucking Number 43, though. That’s why I couldn’t go through with my booty call.
We need to talk some more about this, I think. There are so many things we need to figure out. He lives at one end of the UK, and I live right at the other end. I have no idea what the closest train station or airport is to him, or how long it would take me to get there. Or how much it would cost for him to drive to me, in his fancy car that I love so much. And how serious are we? Because we’ve known each other intimately for a long time. Where are we going to go from here? What are we going to do?
I guess we’ll never know if we don’t find out.
At least I can say that I bit the bullet and tried.