I had a weird conversation about bondage at work today. Well, it started with bondage, but it wasn’t long before we listing off the best sexual experiences we’d ever had [my work colleagues and me]. It’s funny how these conversations seem to spring up at the weirdest times, don’t you think? I couldn’t help but laugh when I had to pause my chat about anal sex to serve a 62-year old customer. It was one of the highlights of the day, to be honest.
Anyway, back to the topic in hand, I found it quite strange because I couldn’t actually come up with just *one* sexual experience that would be the “best” one. Are we meant to have that one big sexual experience that we class as the best, nothing can beat it, rocking your world more than anyone before … and probably after? Because I don’t want just one great fuck. I want loads of them. I’m greedy.
I’m a greedy kinda gal.
I like to think that I have pretty good sex in general. As shallow as I might sound, I don’t think I could stay in a relationship with someone who I didn’t click with on a sexual level. A small dick wouldn’t bother me too much, but it could be a dealbreaker if I didn’t feel satisfied with the sex life I had with it. Penetrative sex isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, but it’s a fairly big deal to me. I like to feel like I’m getting fucked.
I don’t want boring sex, though. I’m not really vanilla’y. I don’t like it plain, dull and boring. I like it to have some spice and adventure. I want to have sex that goes above and beyond what is expected, and with the introduction and popularity of books like Fifty Shades of Grey it’s obvious that I’m not the only one.
But what do I really want? What makes sex great for me? I think I’d have to say: sex that pushes my boundaries. I want a lover to get me to a point where I’d beg if they asked me to, or use my safe words. I don’t know what my boundaries are yet. There are still things I’m yet to try and figure out. So I’m looking for the guy or girl who’s willing to find out what they are with me. Let’s get experimental. Let’s fuck about. Let’s have fun.
My current beau [The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of] is shaping up to be a fairly decent lover. If you’ve already read my first ever blog post – What Makes Great Sex Great? – you’ll already know that he’s amazing in bed … but is actually rather poor when it comes to kissing and foreplay. When he’s inside me, it’s the most thrilling ride of my life. His cock fills me, almost too big for me, long and narrow and not my idea of a “perfect penis” but close enough. I prefer mine to have girth over length, but I’ll take what I can get.
The other night, in bed, he was fucking me so hard that I almost needed to use our safe word. I didn’t, but I almost needed to. And I think that’s what gets us both off: figuring out my boundaries, maybe pushing them a little. I’m a bit of a pain junkie and I think he’s just learning this. He’s starting to yank my hair a little harder, slap my ass with a little more force, and ram his cock into me with more gusto. We’re getting more adventurous with our sexual positions too. We’ve moved from missionary position to having my legs thrown over his shoulders, offering him the very deepest of thrusts … and me just the right amount of pain.
When he’s not pushing the trout kisses or bean-flicking on me, our sex life is amazing. It’s like he really ‘gets’ me. And I love it. I let him pound my ass with the same ferocity that he pounds my pussy, and as much as it hurts and I almost want to scream out our safe word, hearing him and seeing him get that hot for me – violently hot for me – turns me on immensely. I find it such a fucking turn on, almost as if I’m pushing him to a point where he can no longer control the depth of his thrusts … or he doesn’t want to.
It made me think back over some of the other sexual moments I’ve had in my life, pondering which ones stood out to me the most, and for the best reasons. Torture and BDSM seems to be a running trend through them all. There was the chap who tied me up and blindfolded me the very first time we fucked; plus The Hubby who had angry, furious, violent sex with me up against the wall after I’d thrown a plastic tumbler of orange juice over him; and also My Mr. Grey and his hangman nooses made out of rope, tearing and scratching at the delicate skin of my wrists as I writhe and contort under his control …
I guess BDSM is kinda my thing then …
Does that make me a bit of a freak?
(Not that I care.)
I think my best sexual experiences have all been the out-of-the-ordinary ones. The ones that involved suspense and bondage, or teasing and pain, or sensory-deprivation/removal … I’m submissive in all of them. But I’ve never really classed myself as a ‘submissive’ lover. There are times where *I* want to be the dominant one, and I’m definitely a dominant character out of the bedroom, in everyday life, but most of the time I just want to be ruined. Controlled. Dominated. Destroyed.
It makes me wonder, though: would I be brave enough to tell someone what I want in bed? I didn’t tell my current lover; hard, rough sex just became kind of like an unspoken agreement between us, like he could read my body and tell what I wanted. But if I met someone new and took them to my bed, could I tell them what I wanted them to do to me? What I REALLY wanted them to do to me? And how would I ask for it? Over dinner? Like it’s a normal conversation??
In all the men (and women) I’ve slept with, I think only a handful of them have really delivered exactly the kind of thing I’m looking for, sexually. It’s taken me a while to learn and understand the kind of sex that I enjoy, admittedly, so I can’t really expect them to deliver something I hadn’t technically ordered — but although quite a few of them have been GREAT lovers, they haven’t been 10/10 lovers. There’s always something missing. Pain? Bondage? Blindfolds and remote-controlled toys out in public? I don’t know. But there’s definitely been something missing.
Do you think it’s even possible to find just one person that you click with sexually, that ticks every single box? Or is there always going to be something missing or that I don’t like about them?
Am I always going to have to compromise on something?