There are little things in life that annoy me so much, I want to slap people. That’s not socially acceptable, however, so I started writing them down instead. I found myself with a little list on my phone, so I figured I’d pop them into a little blog post for you.
Listen, I know I’m nuts. Some of this stuff is totally nuts. That’s why I called this blog post “21 Irrational Things That Piss Me Off’.
Irrational — the clue is in the title.
Anyway, you ready?
1⃣ People who heavily Photoshop their photos and then post them up on Instagram like no one’s meant to notice. You look polished. Like, waxed, shined and polished. I can tell that you’ve used the smoothing feature to cover the dark circles under your eyes. Your left cheek is a totally different texture to your right one. While we’re on the subject, your hairline is slightly blurred on the right-hand side. You were beautiful before all that weird smoothing shit. Stop Photoshopping your images. I can cope with a filter. I can’t cope with Photoshopping.
Wait, I’m not done yet. Beauty bloggers who use that video photoshop filter that makes their skin appear 100,000,000 times smoother than it actually is in real life. Yeah, because I’m going to use a product that you’ve suggested. You used the product and then STILL needed a filter to make your skin look that good. I’ve developed a bit of an eye for that moving filter, I think, as I’ve learned more about video editing recently.
2⃣ People who capitalise the first letter of every word in their social media update. What the fuck are you doing? Don’t you know how this works? I should probably include people who get their, there, they’re wrong too, and your/you’re.
My phone does that. I swear my autocorrect hates me sometimes. Pages on the Mac is even worse. That thing INSERTS spelling mistakes. I’m not even kidding.
3⃣ Food tins that come without ring pulls. I can’t use a bloody can opener. I’ve never mastered the art. We bought my grandparents those electronic, countertop ones when I was a kid, mostly because they all had arthritis. I’ve never had to use a real can opener. Can we please stop manufacturing lids without the damn ring pull? For the longest time, I didn’t even own a can opener and had to undo everything with a few well-placed stabs with a knife.
4⃣ People who put empty bottles of juice or milk back in the fridge. Or, empty packets back in the cupboard. Even worse than that — those fuckers who put the sodding wrappers back in the tin of Roses. Those people should be shot.
5⃣ Rude retail assistants/advisors. What the fuck is that all about? Like, seriously, that’s your job. Do it. Or, quit and get another job. No, you’re not meant to be stood behind the till chatting to your work colleague about some guy you blew over the weekend. You’re meant to be serving me and helping me find the right size because I’m too damn short to reach the top rails. And I swear to God, if you tut at me when I try to catch your attention one more time, I’ll ram this coat hanger with the garment still on it up your snide, too-skinny ass.
Fuck it, while we’re on the subject of shops. Shops that play Christmas music in October. Shops that play their music too loud. Shops that have their heating so high, there are multiple dehydration casualties during peak hours. Shops that have their air con set to such a cold temperature, I feel the need to buy every damn coat in the store, even though it’s 26 plus centigrade outside and I’ve got a sweaty mustache forming.
6⃣ People who wake me up first thing in the morning, 9 am on the weekend, to be exact, playing loud, Bollywood music. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of Bollywood, but I live in an apartment block. There are other people living here. We don’t need that shit at 9 am on the weekend.
Pretty sure I’ve turned into my Nan.
7⃣ Food servers who can’t get my order right. Seriously? How difficult is it to make me a double cheeseburger with only cheese and ketchup? I worked in a fast food joint, so I know how the process works. You literally tap the right buttons on the screen — only cheese, only ketchup. Even more infuriating, of course, is when you’ve waited over an hour for your fat-fast-food meal to arrive, only to tear open the bag and realise they’ve given you a doner kebab instead of a chicken one, it’s smothered in chilli sauce when you asked for garlic, and the chips went cold about three weeks ago. Don’t even get me started on the baristas who get my coffee order wrong. Good luck with that one, mate.
Bear and I have stopped ordering takeout. We went on a spree for a while. Not only were we sick more often than not after we ate our cold, unappetising feasts, but it cost us a fortune. And the food was never that good. Even my cooking is better than that shite.
8⃣ When I have an outfit in my head, buy everything necessary to put the outfit together, and then look NOTHING like the image I had in my head when I planned the outfit in the first place. In fact, it looks bloody awful.
9⃣ People who ring my doorbell when they’re trying to get in the building for someone else. Do I look like the fucking reception desk, pal? Do I have a “Hello, my name is” badge on my fucking t-shirt? No, I do not. And my doorbell doesn’t say, “Apartment reception desk, ring for assistance.” In fact, it says my flat number. And that’s not the flat number you want so you shouldn’t be fucking ringing it.
1⃣0⃣ People who can’t make a good cup of tea. That includes me, sadly. Oh, and people who put the milk in first.
YOU BLOODY MANIACS!
1⃣1⃣ When an invoice clearly states “Payment within 7 days” and the client takes almost a month to pay. I love that shit right there.
1⃣2⃣ Candles that don’t smell strong enough. Which is, as far as I’m concerned, almost every candle on the market. Although, I am partial to a Yankee Candle, particularly strawberry or vanilla ones.
1⃣3⃣ When a company sends me a product to review it, I review it honestly, including the things I don’t like about it, and then they give me an earful for being too negative. Mate, you’ve seen the way I work, right? Maybe you should check out my reviews before you offer me the damn product? I’m a grumpy bitch, and I’m picky too. If I’m not happy, everyone will know about it. If you send me a shit product, on your head be it.
1⃣4⃣ People who buy fake designer items. Ugh. I can’t even.
1⃣5⃣ When I take 1,500 photos and not ONE of them are usable. I’m not even kidding. My photography skills are utter shit. I keep staring at all these bloggers and their amazing photos, screaming at my phone, “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE YOUR PICTURES LOOK SO DAMN AMAZING?!” I’ll scroll through hundreds, thousands of photos on my SD card with the intention of editing them so they look half decent, and they all look like they’ve been taken by a five years old. That tiny one-inch screen on the camera really does NOT have my back.
1⃣6⃣ When I get ready in the morning and my mirror makes me look fucking fantastic, and then I take a selfie in the great outdoors and look like a bloody potato. Cheers, thanks for that. The contoured zebra look was exactly what I was going for.
1⃣7⃣ When you get a pair of freshly washed jeans and they seem to have shrunk 5 sizes in the washing machine. Seriously? I already had to buy a size 14 instead of a size 10 or 12 because this particular store doesn’t think I’m worthy of a size 10 or 12, and then I have to deal with my apparently size 14 jeans shrinking to a size fucking 6 when I wash them? That jeans-on dance I do around the bedroom is getting more and more unattractive by the day. Please make jeans that come in the right size, and please stop making them shrink too. It’s pissing me off.
1⃣8⃣ When you say to someone, “Remind me to plug my electric toothbrush in. It’s dead” and then they don’t remind you. And then, when you go to brush your teeth when you go to bed, it’s dead and you gotta go back to old-fashioned manual toothbrushing. I hate that with a passion. I’m too lazy to actually brush my own teeth.
Also: I don’t think my teeth feel properly clean unless I’ve used my beautiful rose gold electric toothbrush.
1⃣9⃣ When you’re halfway through a Netflix binge, snuggled comfortably under the duvet, all curled up with the one you love, and then that sodding buffering circle comes on in the middle of a black screen. The internet connection has dropped out, the sodding Apple TV system seems to reset itself, and then I have to get up from my comfortable, snuggled position to grab the remote and put it back on whatever I was watching.
Drives. Me. Mad.
2⃣0⃣ When my upstairs neighbour wakes up and starts elephant-stomping across his apartment floor just as I press record for a new video. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. The guy is like a rhino, making all the noise under the sun. And then, the second I stop recording, usually with the right hump because the cock has interrupted my day AGAIN, he stops making all the noise. I set things back up and press record again, and hey presto, the fucker starts up the stomp dance routine.
2⃣1⃣ When nothing about the day goes to plan. Bear doesn’t go out. I can’t record. People don’t turn up when they’re meant to. Upstairs neighbours are too loud. People don’t pay. People don’t call. Projects don’t get finalised. Emails don’t get sent. I can deal with one or two things going wrong, but if there are three or more things going tits up with my day, I generally call it a write-off and go back to pajama-writing mode. Call me pessimistic, but I get to a point where I just can’t be assed with the day anymore.
To be honest, I don’t think some of those things are entirely irrational. Most of them, in fact. But man, do they piss me off.
What pisses you off?