I’ve developed a new hobby for sure – it’s judging Bear’s clients, and when I tell you that some of them are about as exciting as lettuce, that’s probably giving them too much credit. For the record, the only time I like lettuce is when it’s in a chicken caesar salad and it’s all dressed up with bacon, croutons, and parmesan cheese. Please and thank you very much.
Today there were two couples, one after the other. The first client was a tall and thin lad with more hair than should ever be allowed on a main (I think), and the sideburns to match. And the tightest skinny jeans I’ve ever seen. I could see everything he had to offer. I could quite literally see that every little part of him (ha – little!) was as hipster as it got, that’s how tight they were. He was joined by his equally hipster girlfriend. He chose a generic tattoo, to go along with all of his other generic tattoos, and we had generic conversations. It wasn’t long before I made my excuses and disappeared into another room, busying myself to escape the mindless drivel.
The second couple were an odd couple, but seemed to work together. She was tall, thin, blonde-haired and blue-eyed, rocking the kind of leathery tan one can only get from years of worshipping a sun bed. He was short, thin (with a thyroid problems), and so white he basically reflected all the lights in the room. But they’re not really the couple I want to judge right now, so let’s go right back to the first one – the hipster couple.
They were 19 years old and had been dating for just under a month. They were also discussing moving in together. Seriously? After a month? What the fuck?
I know what you’re all thinking. I moved in with Bear after six months so I can hardly speak about moving in too soon in a relationship, but a month? I mean, c’mon. I’ve had longer relationships with tubs of ice cream.
They both live at home with their parents, and they’re thinking about moving in together after a month? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE RENT? Like, seriously? Do you even know how much rent costs EVERY MONTH? And that’s before you start to think about things like council tax, water rates, electricity and gas, oh, and the cat food for the mountain of pets you’re talking about getting. Internet and phone bill. TV package. Mobile phone bill. Food. Food is EXPENSIVE. Either that or I eat an awful lot of it. Seriously. What happened to youth? If I could go back to being 19 again, let me tell you this – nothing in the world would convince me to go back there and settle down. I’d like to go back and do all the dicks I DIDN’T do (yes, I did leave some) and drink all the drinks I turned down. I’ve grown up now, but that’s not what bring 19 is meant to be about. Aren’t you meant to be going out and getting so shit-faced you can’t even remember your own name? I know that’s what I did … and then I settled down. That’s the bit I regret – the settling down [so young]!
It frustrates me when I see people so young who are so eager to find their happy ever after. Stop it. You have your entire lives ahead of you, stop trying to rush into your mid-40’s so quickly. When you move out, you live like you’re an old couple because life gets damn expensive. How do I know this? Because I lived it. And so have most of my friends. Make the most out of living at home rent-free. Seriously, you’ll regret not doing that when you’re older FOR SURE. I moved out the very second I could, and I’m a million percent envious of the £18k savings my younger sister has in the bank because she’s been scrounging from my mother all these years. That’s £18k more than me.
“I was in a bad relationship before, and I know this one is a good egg. So I’m sticking with him.”
Mmmhmmm. Right, okay. Fine, go do your thing, babe, but don’t come running to me when he doesn’t turn out to be the good egg you thought he was. Don’t start complaining when he turns out NOT to be the man you thought he was. How can you know someone after a month? Really know them? I don’t know Bear now and we’re six months in and already living together. And yes, I know I’m a fucking hypocrite, okay? But I’m not judging my life or my relationships right now, I’m judging someone else’s. If you don’t like it, bugger off.
What I wanted to tell her – this 19 year old hopeless romantic – was all about Brown Eyes. One month into our relationship, I still thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. It took a few more months to realise what a fucking piece of shit he was. But imagine if I’d moved in with him after just one month? I can’t bear to think about it. I shudder at the very thought of it.
ONE MONTH IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU MOVE IN WITH THEM!
Fuck off, I know.
(I’m just kidding, don’t fuck off.)
But yeah, that’s just my little input for today. I think 19 year old kids should stay as kids, living at home and getting drunk, or going to college and university, or whatever it is they want to do. I don’t think rushing into moving in together after “just under a month” of dating is really appropriate.