*according to me.
What happens when you desperately love the man you’re with, and usually you’d want to rip his clothes off without even a nudge in that kinky little direction, but right now, and for the last few weeks / months, you just haven’t been interested in sex at all?
It’s a familiar scenario, right? We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt that. We’ve all brushed our significant other away, complaining of a non-existent headache, desperately wanting to be left alone. But why? And how long do you leave it before you try to do anything about it?
It was a Twitter reader who told me about her little scenario, and to be honest, it’s a topic I’ve often thought about writing up. I’ve just never really known how to broach it. I’ve given friends and female acquaintances advice before, but I’m hardly an expert. Or sexpert.
But what do you do when you just don’t feel in the mood? When you couldn’t encourage a touch of moistness or a clit-tingle if your life depended on it? When you can’t even get the oven preheated alone, let alone with a man who’s pawing at you like a puppy?
This is what I like to do …
I like to have a shower. I like to use my favourite shower gel, the one with all the little gold sparkly bits in it, that makes me smell like sex itself. I like to lather myself up, starting with my arms, working my way up to my shoulders and collarbone. I move my hands down, letting the suds cover my breasts, rolling my fingers around my nipples, sparking a little life into them.
I love listening to music in the shower – my sex playlist. Music helps to set a mood, I think. Even if you’re alone, with no sniff of sex in your close future, the right music can awaken something in you that hasn’t been awake for a while. Music is often neglected during sex. I might / should talk about this another time. I’ve made a note of it.
I like to shave my legs. This is an especially good trick if you haven’t attended to the area in a while. It’s terribly hard to feel sexy when you’re sporting your winter furry coat, but when your legs are freshly shaved … Wow. Feel free to touch yourself up and appreciate that baby-soft smoothness. If I’m feeling really generous, I’ll book myself a wax to completely remove all hair from the waist down. Yes, it really bloody hurts, but later on when you’re super soft and somewhat recovered form your skin-tugging ordeal, the baby-soft smoothness will make you feel a million bucks. I always feel so much better after a bikini wax, lunging around the place, marvelling at my own softness. I love a good lunge.
I like to wash my hair, spending lots of time on it, really massaging shampoo into my long locks. Sometimes I like to imagine my guy behind me, lovingly rubbing my scalp and all my non-existent headaches away. I like to leave my conditioner in for longer than it says on the bottle, simply because I love the way my hair feels silky-smooth once it’s dried. I might not be able to do a thing with it, but there’s something very sensual and sexy about silky-soft hair. There’s nothing better than when he runs his fingers through it, or when he winds it gently around his fist before tugging my back head back with it.
When I get out the shower, I like to smother myself in the most expensive, most beautiful-smelling moisturiser I own, paying particular attention to those areas I know he likes to touch the most. I like to massage the lotion into my breasts, and especially my ass and upper thighs, and when I’m done I like to pick my nicest lingerie. It doesn’t matter if anyone else gets to see them, and I know it’s the biggest cliche in the world, but if I’m wearing my sassy pants I’ll feel damn sassy. It doesn’t even need to be matching lingerie. Or sexy lingerie either. I have the cutest red and black spotty, silky pants that don’t match anything else in my underwear drawer, but if I wear them to bed I’ll always wake up wet. If I wear them around him I’ll always end up wet … 😉
I like to put makeup on, a touch of the classic smokey-eye and glossy lips. I spray perfume in my hair before drying it, so that the scent lingers just enough for him to breathe in later as he wraps those big arms around me. I prefer to let my hair dry naturally because I always think it ends up softer that way. I like to paint my toenails. I like to pick out my outfit while I’m still wrapped in my towel, air-drying like all women do. I like to find matching accessories, and then team my outfit with the cutest frilly ankle socks. For some reason ankle socks always make me feel sexy. Like a cute, sassy-sexy, if that even makes sense? Pigtail sexy, I like to call it.
All of these things … I like to do them for no reason. Just because I can. Just because I had a couple of hours to spare before I saw him, and because I’m bored of feeling undesirable, unsexy, and unwanted. Sometimes I do it on the days when I’m not going to see him, when I’m not going to see anyone. And then I put on music, light some beautiful smelling Yankee candles, turn the lights down low and watch some of my favourite movies. I’ll seduce myself, if you like, and why the fuck not? I watch porn, I get those toys out that you save for the special occasions that never come, and I have a jolly good time of things. Sometimes I’ll even take some sexy snaps or a cheeky little video to share with him.
But I don’t do these things for him. He couldn’t care less if I didn’t shave my legs for a few days, and naughty underwear is basically ignored once it’s been ripped off and deposited on the floor. If he even gets to see it for himself at all. None of these things are for HIS benefit, despite what it may sound like – they’re all for mine. They’re all things that make ME feel sexy, and when I feel sexy I get playful. He picks up on that and acts playful right back. Before you know it, we’re play-fighting in the middle of the living room floor, and he’s teasing my pants down with his teeth whilst bending me over the arm of his big white leather couch.
What should you do when you don’t want to have sex with your boyfriend? Well, sometimes just don’t have sex with him. But sometimes, just sometimes, maybe you need to *make* yourself? I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that. I’m also pretty sure some feminist somewhere is going to tell me I’m an idiot for saying that. But sometimes I think it’s true. I don’t want to workout most days, but I make myself. Think of it like kicking yourself up the ass.
Intimacy is important, and it’s not always about sex. Bear and I don’t always have sex, but we’re always intimate with each other. Sometimes we’ll have a little snog before falling asleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes he’ll bring me to climax quickly with his fingers before bed because he can tell I’m stressed and he knows it’ll help. (And it usually does.) Sometimes he’ll go down on me, and he doesn’t seem to expect anything in return. Sometimes he’s really horny and I find myself ‘giving in’ because he’s pissing me off. I know this much – once I’ve hopped in the shower and started shaving my legs, rubbing that shower gel into my body and paying a little more attention that I can usually be bothered to, it doesn’t take long for me to then get in the mood. I’m sure there are times when he’s tired and still puts out because I want him to. In fact, I know there is. Isn’t a relationship about meeting each other halfway?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should have sex with the dude just because he wants to. If you don’t want to, you really don’t want to. Don’t do it. I get like that sometimes, especially now Bear and I are spending more and more time together. It’s not all about stolen moments and one-off nights together, and the urgency has gone a little. But if you’re always finding a reason to put sex off, or you really don’t want to do it for a while (like, a long while), perhaps it’s time to start taking an alternative approach?
Like I said, I don’t WANT to workout. I MAKE myself. And I always feel better after I do …