It’s 3:30pm on Saturday afternoon and all my friends are at a wedding. I should be there. I’m not. I’m a little sad about it, not too much though because I hate weddings. I just hate social events. I think I’m just a bitch, or maybe it has something to do with the crippling anxiety that I sometimes can’t seem to shake. Who knows?
I fucked up when I got drunk a few weeks back, and then my male best friend of fifteen years told me that he loved me in *that* way after his male best friend of 20 years decided to have a “chat” with me, and then everything changed. And now everyone is at the wedding and I’m not.
It was my decision not to go. Bestie and I have barely seen or spoken to each other in weeks, so it didn’t feel right for me to be his plus-one for the big day. And it was going to be a really big day too – the biggest. It was the wedding of two friends who had been together for years, friends we’d only ever really known together, and I’m actually more than a little gutted that I couldn’t get to see the festivities. I regret the decision I made not to go, but Bestie and I … that’s a problem that just can’t be solved right now, and I didn’t think it was fair of me to attend and create any sort of tension or weirdness. He’s the best man and has responsibilities, and I haven’t spoken to him without getting upset or crying for four weeks now. I’ve found it easier to run away and pretend he doesn’t exist. Harsh perhaps, but true. He’s a man I once trusted with everything, and now he’s just a guy who didn’t say the one thing he should have said for a really, really long time. It feels a little like betrayal. I’ve never been anything but honest with Bestie. Brutally honest. Too honest. And for the last who knows how many years, he hasn’t been honest with me.
Accidental betrayal perhaps?
But him and that group of friends seem to revolve around alcohol a lot, so over the last few years, I’ve found myself removed from a group I never really felt like I was a part of in the first place. I can’t drink, not only because it turns me into a monster and gives me a three-day hangover, but also because I have a few digestive conditions now and booze just turns my insides to mush. What’s the point in drinking when I’m going to act like a bitch, lose half my friends, spend three days in bed with a hangover, and then three weeks feeling sick or having a bad stomach after? There’s nil point, hence why I don’t do it. Plus it turns me into a slut. That was fun in my twenties, but I’m not in my twenties now.
But because I don’t drink, I don’t go to certain events – birthday parties, anniversaries, and other social occasions where a ridiculous amount of alcohol is present and often consumed. I can’t stand being the sober person around a bunch of drunk people, and I often find myself thinking, “What a dick!” most of the night. That makes me question whether or not I even want to be friends with them in the first place.
And then we have the issue of my anxiety, which some days I have a hold on but most of the time I really, really don’t. When I’m the only sober one in the group, I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb. For such a colourful girl, I hate being the centre of attention, and that’s just how I feel, especially because there’s always someone who shouts out “Oh, she’s not drinking tonight! LIGHTWEIGHT!”. And then we have the whole group going “Oh go on, have a couple” which normally results in me having a couple, and then inevitably I drink enough alcohol to sink a small fleet of navy destroyers. That’s when the inner crazy bitch comes out and we all know what happens after that. I either fuck someone and get myself in trouble or, in this case, I don’t fuck someone and get myself in trouble. I literally can’t win.
I excluded myself from the group because of my non-drinking ways, and now I’ve definitely made sure I’m no longer a part of it by not turning up to what is basically the wedding of the century. After getting drunk, making a fool out of myself, and starting the whole Bestie-loves-me-and-I’m-breaking-his-heart ball rolling. I have never felt so lonely. And so not getting married myself.
I’ll explain the story of Bestie and I – what happened between us and why I’ve been quiet recently – soon. I know none of this makes a lot of sense but I just had to write some shit down. Right now I’m sad. Heartbroken. It feels like my entire life has been turned upside down, and you know what happens when you throw a big change like that in with anxiety.