I Don't Want To Seem DisrespectfulBrown Eyes My Dating Life 

I Don’t Want To Seem Disrespectful

notsosexinthecity

I Don't Want To Seem Disrespectful

Is there an appropriate length of time you should spend ‘getting over’ someone before you ‘move on’ to someone else? Bizarre question I know, but it’s something I’ve been pondering over the last couple of days. I keep dipping my toes in the Tinder-world and I always seem to end up messaging someone who catches my attention for a little while. It always goes the same way though – they ask if I’d like to meet and all of a sudden, I don’t really know what I’m doing.

Should I? Is it OK to? Is it too soon? I don’t know? 

You see, I don’t want to seem disrespectful. Is it okay for me to say that? I know you all have your own opinions of Brown Eyes and trust me, I understand what you’re saying, but this was a man I loved. Still do I guess. Even though he’s not in my life anymore, the last thing I would want to be is disrespectful.

It’s funny because it’s not like he would know if I moved on so this is probably more of a reflection on how I feel rather than what I think he would feel about it. It’s not like I broadcast this kind of stuff anywhere. My social media accounts are pretty cracked-down for the most part so exes and past stalkers can’t keep an eye on what I’m doing. I’m careful about what kind of things I put out there for people to see – public declarations of falling in and out of love just makes me cringe when I see other people doing it. I wouldn’t imagine anyone would know I’d been dating someone, let alone just broken up from them, something I was talking about on Twitter just this morning along with @singletontales and @hashtags1ngle.

I’m not a big fan of cryptic posts, it’s usually all just selfies with the occasional favourite song and the odd inspirational post or quote. Sometimes there’s shoes or photos of where I’ve been and what I’ve seen, and if I’ve been particularly house-wifey that day, maybe even the obligatory dinner shot. But that’s it. You’d never know from the ‘outside’ how complicated or tormented my love life was.

But if I were to find out he was dating someone so soon, that would upset me. Of course it would, it would feel like he never cared about me, like I was never an important enough factor in his life, like he didn’t need time to get over me and I was that easily forgotten about. That’s why I’m not stalking him. I can’t face seeing the ‘he’s over me’ selfie with another girl sat on MY spot on the couch. I’m sensible enough to spare myself that heartache at least. I know that would really hurt my heart. But it was his decision to break up. He said those words to me. He left those voicemail messages. I never wanted this, any of it.

I want to find someone to settle down with. I’m not looking for just anybody, but somebody special is out there for me. He must be. I want to find him. It’s OK for Brown Eyes, he’s already had his kids and you know he’ll be dating someone new in no time at all. He’s a charmer for sure. I haven’t had kids yet and the time is ticking. I don’t want to waste time crying or pining for someone who removed me so quickly and easily from his life. What’s the point in that? I’ve dated enough frogs, it’s time for my prince to turn up.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of kids, I wonder how he’d feel if someone were to treat his daughter the same way he treated me? I wonder how he’d feel if some guy were to call his daughter a cunt, ditch her without warning or reason, and tell her he was going back on Tinder and she wasn’t allowed to be a bunny boiler about it. Clearly those words stuck with me. HE was disrespectful so how come I feel so … odd about moving on? Why am I so worried about being disrespectful to him in return?

Going back to what I said about this being more of a reflection on me, I don’t want to be disrespectful to my heart or my feelings. I want to give myself time to mourn this guy but it’s really hard because I don’t feel as if there is anything to mourn. He wasn’t in my life for long, and it’s not like he made an effort to stay in it either. It feels like I spent more time trying to persuade him to stay in our relationship than I spent actually having one, and as much as I’d love to ‘heal’ and ‘fix myself’ after yet another failure, I don’t really feel like there’s anything to ‘fix’. I tried my hardest, he didn’t think it / I was good enough so he left me. What’s the point in pining? He closed the door. I did enough and trust me on this, I’ve gone over every teeny-tiny little detail with a fine-toothed comb. I know that another man, the right man, a calmer man would see that I tried everything I could to make him happy. Another man would be able to see the things I did ‘out of the ordinary’ to try and make him smile. Another man would have seen how much effort I put in. He didn’t think it was enough therefore it would never have been enough. I don’t know if it would have mattered what I did / tried. But that’s his ‘problem’ right? Not mine? So what have I got to fix?

Maybe I’m proceeding with caution because deep down I still believe he’s a ‘good guy’? That he just fucked up and could still come running back with his tail in between his legs, apologising for what he’s done. I’m kidding myself obviously, it’s been two weeks since we last spoke now. He hasn’t even tried to get in touch and he could have done if he really wanted to, despite my blocking. He hasn’t once tried to get back in contact with me, to apologise or otherwise, which kinda says it all. I’m hardly going to go chasing after someone who made it very clear how they felt – I’m a cunt, he’s over me, I’m not good enough for him, he’s going back on Tinder.

Maybe I should just move on and accept the date? It’s not like Brown Eyes spared me any thought or consideration, and it’s not like he’s having a hard time moving on either. As he said, he went right back on Tinder. Maybe I should give the Tinder-fellas a chance? Maybe one of those matches is my happy-ever-after and I just haven’t responded to his message yet?

Which reminds me! I still need to tell you about Courier Guy!




Related posts