A Very Public Apology

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A Very Public ApologyI wrote a guest post for a blog which sparked some controversy. I was accused of being a woman-hater. I was accused of bashing women, of dictating to women what they should or should not do. I was accused of being everything in life I hate. Honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, I cried for ten solid minutes as I was called a ‘writer’ in inverted commas and hated by the very women I looked up and to respected.

I checked out the blog of the first chick who commented and laughed along with the words she had written. I loved her blog and when I went back onto her Twitter account to try and apologise for any offence caused, she’d blocked me. When I took a sneaky peek from a different account, I could see this torrent of hatred on her Twitter feed, tweet after tweet of how much of a bad person I was and how I should be ashamed of myself.

Well, now I am.

I know I can’t please everyone because trust me on this one, I’ve tried. I know there are going to be people who don’t like the way I write or the words that come out of my mouth and I can deal with that. But as I sat there and read the tweets, and then the tweets of other women that jumped right on the bandwagon, I couldn’t stop the tears. It made me feel like a failure. I had upset the very women I was trying to be on the very same level as. Women I respected and aspired to be like. Women with awesome blogs and real things to say.

I hate getting negative feedback online because I’m a super sensitive little flower and the silliest of things upset me but I know it happens. I know that constructive criticism is good and that I can learn from it. I appreciate that and I understand that. I welcome it even if I don’t like to hear it. And in this situation, I think it has been somewhat constructive. I just wish it didn’t need to be quite so brutal.

The idea behind my post was to be a brief introduction. A kinda to-the-point “Hello, here I am and this is what I gotta say!” kinda post. The five things I didn’t think you should do on a first date, points that I would later explain my reasons for. I had discussed with Mr. UrbanVox the plan and we agreed that it would be kinda cool. Sadly, it didn’t get that far. And now I feel the need to explain myself before I offend or upset anyone else.

I said that on a first date, you shouldn’t dress like a slut. Admittedly I probably should have found a better word but I don’t find the word that offensive. I guess that’s a personal thing but I learned today to not use that word anymore.

If a girl wants to dress in teeny-tiny clothing, they should go ahead and do it. They are braver than I am and I wish I had their confidence. I show a little bit of leg in a dress and have anxiety about it all day. I wish I could be more free and open with myself. I wish I had more confidence in myself to wear whatever the fuck I wanted.

But the point I was going to explain later on was that every time I had gone out wearing the smallest dress I owned or with my ample cleavage out on display, all I felt was uncomfortable. Being a busty girl, I already have a hard time getting men to look into my eyes and having a dress that small is just not something a clumsy girl like me can deal with. I’m forever pulling it down or hoiking it up.

Almost every guy I’ve ever known and dated has said my parting line: “Guys bonk girls who dress like sluts. They don’t marry them. Do you want to get laid or do you want to get married?” Almost exactly in those words every time. I have a number of male friends, more male than female in fact, and I talk openly and frankly with boyfriends and lovers. It was a snippet of information I’d learned from my years of failing at dating. Clearly it was a snippet of information I probably should have either explained better or kept to myself.

I go on to talk about expecting exclusivity after just one date and why you shouldn’t. The reason for this, which I was again going to explain at a later date, was because I’ve done it repeatedly, I always get incredibly upset when I find the guy I went on a couple of dates with still online on that internet dating site I met him on, and I end up either making myself look totally crazy by chasing him down, overreacting and pushing him away, or just winding myself up even further. It’s counterproductive. Well, it has been for me anyway. Maybe I should have kept that to myself too. The other women didn’t seem to agree with this point either.

Don’t be permanently phone-handy… Again, a pet peeve of MINE on a date. I don’t really know how or if that one upset anyone but again, I apologise profusely if it did. I can’t apologise enough.

Don’t get blind drunk. If you want to, go ahead. But again, I was going to tell the reader about The Director and how everything I did after date one revolved around the fact I’d slept with him on the first date. Did he really like me? Was I a booty call? Did I make myself a booty call? Should I have waited? Why didn’t I wait? I wish I’d waited… I judged myself for sleeping with him on the first date. I was never meant to have slept with him on the first date. I got blind drunk, got in a cab with him, travelled I don’t know how many miles, went to his house and the next thing I know, it was 8am in the morning, I looked like something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and I had what felt like the Sahara desert in my mouth.

I put myself in danger that night. I don’t know if we used a condom because I don’t remember it. Any of it. At all. I got blind drunk and went home with a man I’d known for about 3 hours. Maybe not even that long. That was a dumbass mistake and I regret it. It was a dangerous idea. I’m all for having fun and five or ten years ago, this would have been great fun and games. But I’m almost thirty now and I’m aware the morning after just how dangerous my actions were the night before. He could have killed me. He could have raped me. I wouldn’t have known. I was way too drunk to remember anything. I still, to this day, cannot remember anything about the night. I’m sorry but that’s putting myself danger, feminist or not.

And where are The Director and I now? Fucked, that’s where we are. I couldn’t work out whether or not he really liked me or whether I was just a Friday night stepping stone until the real-deal girlfriend came along. I hated that. It is my personal belief that I wouldn’t have questioned quite as much as I did if I hadn’t gotten blind drunk, made a tit out of myself on the first date and slept with him.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned more and more over the years – every time I get drunk and go home with a man I don’t know, I judge myself. Nine times out of ten I probably make a fucking ass out of myself too. I don’t regret what I did and I would never judge another woman for doing whatever it is she wants to do but me, the way I am, the way I feel, I can’t act like that any more. I’m not as hard as I was in my early twenties, loving life and not really giving a shit. I can’t fuck like a guy despite all those years I said I could. I get weird and emotional with a man I’ve taken to bed and I can’t help that. In fact, I almost kinda love that about myself.

But that’s just me. Those were my opinions. Those were the things I wanted to say but never really got the chance to. I requested that UrbanVox take the post down. The last thing I would ever want to do is make other women feel like shit.

That aside, after the way I’ve been feeling recently and the total lack of love I’ve had for myself, the criticism towards my thoughts, my outlook and even my writing were just hitting home too hard. I’ve been on the brink of giving up, jacking in my writing career and getting myself a ‘normal’ job again for a while… This is just another little blow. Another little dig. It hurts. I’m not good enough. My writing isn’t good enough. People don’t really care what I have to say. Or they do, they just think I’m full of shit.

I always thought of myself as a good person. I’ve always tried to empower women. I pay them compliments, I’m honest, I’m nice. I’m not this women-hating bitch it looks like I am. I’ve never, ever wanted to come across like that. I just wanted to share some advice that I’d learned over the years. That’s all. Little snippets of my failing sex life because it’s funny. Well, it’s not but if I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry. And I reckon I’ve cried enough.

But yeah, to all those women I’ve upset, I’m sorry. That’s not what I wanted to do. That’s not what I set out to do. I never wanted to be the reason you went on a 2am blog-writing frenzy and I certainly didn’t want to make you angry enough to tweet the stuff you were tweeting.

First impressions are important and it would appear that I haven’t given you a very good one.

So there’s my very public apology. And don’t worry, I’m re-evaluating my ‘writer’ status.




3 thoughts on “A Very Public Apology

  1. karen

    Oh gawd! I wonder if the tone of your article might have led people to think that they could reply in kind because you would be thick-skinned? And people just get angry and forget there’s a person on the receiving end of their rants.

    However, I do see what they are saying, even from reading the apology only. I am someone who is happy to get by cleavage out there all the time, not just on dates. If there are men who think that makes me ‘sleep with’ material rather than ‘marry’ material, I genuinely don’t give a shit cos I wouldn’t want to marry a man who was judgmental and divided women into categories like that. I think that this was the one where people then might have shut off to what you had to say – because the other stuff seems pretty innocuous to me, and the thing about not getting blind drunk is only sensible. Yes, as a woman I ‘should’ be able to get blind drunk and not be assaulted. As a homeowner I ‘should’ be able to leave my windows and doors open and not be robbed. I’m not gonna do it though!

    I’ve replied before on your blog about how whenever we are judgmental, it is saying much more about our own inner fears and the things we want to hide from ourselves than it is about the people we are judging. Again, that applies to your article, but try to remember that it also applies to those who have rushed to judge you. x

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  2. Annie Hardy

    DUDE! Fuck these chicks talking shit to you! I have been on the receiving end of that kind of group think and it’s NOTHING more than projection. These women who want to say you’re anti woman for telling others not to dress like sluts…. Are you kidding? WHO IS HATING WOMEN HERE??? When I see a slut (and I am a slut, don’t get it twisted, in my own unique way that doesn’t involve becoming a visual interpretation of a Craigslist M4M- sorry that’s kind of a far out concept) out at a club showing rump and boob I think to myself and say aloud “wow there’s a freedom fighter, a member of the feminist movement helping women everywhere to achieve the same rights men have, to stand around with their dicks out, thank you m’lady for my right to vote! Oh and you’re labia is showing… Or did you mean for it to?”
    That’s bullshit. Being able to dress however we want is our right as humans in a barely free society. But it isn’t feminism. Feminism, firstly, is bullshit and was created by the same people who brought you the gay agenda and Satan worship, and anyone who doesn’t believe there IS a gay agenda should read the book “After The Ball” written by two gay dudes declaring exactly that, a gay agenda including a list of all the places where they will “rape your sons” i could go off on this but I think it will lessen the impact of what I’m saying. Group thinking trolls will pick on anything. You will always be wrong. Them always right. You can’t win. But those pseudo feminists who disempower men with overt sexuality and headstrong, power wielding, type A personalities who threaten to castrate a man who dare be manly and flirt with her, that is emasculating men in our society and confusing all of us! I’m guiltiest of being that feminist! That’s a bad feminist and I’m working on softening up.
    But I’m saying BECA– USE you said don’t look like a slut YOU are the FEMINIST! Anyone who would choose to disgrace their body and soul by looking like a cum slob, to me and anyone else with a common sense enhanced brain (not many of us) HATES themselves! Someone saying hey sister you don’t have to do that, someone will love you for you is being LOVING. That’s what feminism should be.
    Feminism is bullshit. These women are bullshit and guess what? They don’t even care what you said for the most part. They are just so unhappy and disconnected from other human beings and the only way to connect and have meaningful interactions in this technical Devil’s age is by trolling or fighting or name calling. Just to feel that someone else is alive out there and cares about something now we have to fight. And then one person suffers and the other person parasitically feeds off that suffering. Spiritual in nature this is a very common sight for anyone familiar with narcissistic abuse. Narcs look for people like you who are caring and kewl and sensitive. We all just want to be accepted. And they find empath types and eat us from the inside out. How do I know? I’ve been hollowed out a few times. The good news is once that happens you get to choose what to fill yourself up with next. I chose my own opinions vs the ones society and bullshit other slaves who don’t question things. Being a little different than other people feels like a curse until the day you realize that you’re absolutely perfect except for the very flawed idea that you should compare yourself to other people and the idea that other people’s opinions matter. They don’t. We are all the same. We all have identical insecurities and want to be loved and liked and not hated. In fact, I’ll bet a lot of sluts reading perceived you were rejecting them and reacted with that feminism BS as a safe way to express their hurt at perceiving you rejecting them as anger.
    Just remember anytime someone takes issue with you it has nothing to do with you. We can only perceive in others that which is true of ourselves. So they only see their own shadow personality traits such as “you’re not a feminist” when really YOU are the ONLY feminist! As Pee Wee said “I know you are but what am I?”
    Chin up girl, you’re one of the good ones. You are a good person and anyone who says otherwise is just projecting. i
    You are good. The fact you question if you’re a bad person is the proof that you’re actually good. Bad ppl don’t ponder that question cuz they don’t care. It’s about them.
    Sorry this is so long. Fuck it tho. That bitch tweeting on a blocked thing about you… Super lame. People need to stop being assholes okay? Ladies we are all sisters and we are meant to get along as such. There’s no shortage of dick to worry about. We will all be fine and if we could love and support each other we would all prosper cuz it isn’t actually a dog eat dog, survival thing, life isn’t. It’s actually far more magical and matrix-y than most will ever know.
    Love and truth always prevail. Don’t stop. Never let the fear mongers silence you. ❤️❤️❤️

    Reply
  3. UrbanVox

    I honestly stand behind that we spoken about when you came up with the idea of the series: It was a great idea!

    The first one was a strong piece and it was bound to raise some eyebrows. Unfortunately the eyebrows it raised first was a group of people that have nothing better to do with their lives but stir shit on twitter… at 2 in the morning… From the first post they were out for blood, and unfortunately this is exactly what some people do…

    I agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but the way they were offensive towards you is not the way to go about it. In their passion to “defend women’s rights” they forgot rule number one: You are a woman too, and you have the right to not be bashed by the same people they say they stand for.

    There is no way to make everyone happy all the time, and some people are simply never happy unless the whole world sees things the way they do. And to hell with freedom of expression.

    I too have something to apologize for, not to them, but to you. This was meant to be a fun experience, and I wish it was And you should most definitely not let their narrow minds affect your career as a writer. I stand up for what I told you more than once: YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

    UrbanVox.net will always have it’s arms wide open to you whenever you want to write for us.

    In all else, please, simply continue being the amazing person that you are.

    Carpe Diem!

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