I watched Love Actually for the second time this week. I’d never really seen it before and it ended up being a movie I instantly fell in love with. But I realised a few things. So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’m telling the truth.
Let’s start with The Dom.
Well, we met for the first time. I kept meaning to write about it but honestly, I just couldn’t seem to find the words. I kept starting posts and not being able to finish them, or just getting a few lines in before giving up and admitting defeat. I don’t know what to say. I still don’t know what to say. I don’t know what role this man has in my life. I can’t figure it out.
I don’t think it’s a relationship thing. I don’t know if this is a man I could see myself being with which instantly says to me that he’s not right. I thought perhaps I had friend-zoned him but I really don’t think it’s that. There’s too much sexual tension between us for it to be a purely platonic thing. Our face-to-face meet wasn’t really a sexual one though. It was beautiful, don’t get me wrong. I had the best time. But every time he moved towards me, I pulled away. Every time I found myself getting comfortable with this man I remembered that, at any point, he could go back and read everything I had written on the blog. He knew all about the blog. He knew everything. More than he ever realised he could know.
I really don’t think the fact he’s a blog reader is ever going to go away. He says it will given time and patience but I’m really not the most patient person. And I think it’s a line I can’t cross. I don’t know what it is. But I do know that even now, months and months later, it’s still a very big issue for me. I definitely don’t write in my blog as much as I want to now and half the time it’s because I’ll then need to answer a whole bunch of questions I don’t particularly want to answer.
All that aside, he turns me on immensely and he’s new and very exciting. He’s thrilling. He thrills me. When he goes into Dominant mode and tells me what to do with myself, I simply can’t control myself. He could ask me to do anything and with enough gentle persuasion, I’d probably do it. I just… I sense myself getting closer to him after every ‘session’, and I yearn for his touch. It’s like all of a sudden, just being over the phone just isn’t enough and I want him there in my bed to cuddle my stresses and strains away and play my body in the ways I imagine he will. But every time we get close, I remember that he reads EVERYTHING and I freak out again. Sometimes the cycle takes longer than others but it always repeats itself. I’m starting to accept this is a line I just can’t cross. One boundary too far. Red.
I know I hurt him when I slept with The Director. Or The Bellend as he likes to call him. I never wanted to hurt him. He told me he wasn’t so sure he even wanted a relationship with me after that because he wouldn’t be able to trust me and that really stung me. That’s not the kind of person I am. That’s not the kind of thing I do. I do shit for charity and I’d give anyone my last penny. I charity-worked for Christmas Day. I’m a good person. I don’t do shitty things to people but recently, that’s all I’ve been doing. People are playing with my emotions and in turn, I’m playing someone else’s.
It feels like there are so many men vying for my attention right now and I can’t work out why. It’s The Dom one minute and the next, The Director. Or it was The Lapdog texting me in the middle of the night. Or Someone New and the three-day conversation we seem to have found ourselves in. Our chatting is getting more frequent. I didn’t see it happening until today and now I have, I’m nervous about it. I used to love this kind of flirty banter. I used to thrive on it. And now it’s pissing me off. Give me a break. I have feelings too.
I don’t know what I’m doing with Someone New but I know he’ll get hurt if this carries on much longer. He wants us to meet up in the New Year so we can talk over the things that happened because he knew he fucked up and he wants to put things right. I’ve already blown him out and then he blew me out so I doubt the meeting is likely. Honestly though, what am I playing at? Why am I behaving like this?
I need to start getting myself out of the hole I’ve found myself in. I ignored The Lapdog in the end. That was a good start. I guess now I’ve just been honest with The Dom. He’s mad at me right now though. I don’t even know if he’ll read plus I told him to stop reading. That leaves Someone New and The Director. Someone New I could probably just be honest with. He respects my honesty, he always has. He knows I’m straight-talking… most of the time.
So that just leaves The Director. It’s a touchy subject right now, for more than just myself, so I’ll leave it at that.