Dreams…

9/10/2015: Operation Blog Catch-Up

I had a dream about Jock last night. We had a baby. We were in the hospital and he was sat on the side of my bed and he had a baby in his arms – our baby. I couldn’t work out if it was a boy or a girl or anything else, I don’t remember anything else. I just remember us being sat on that bed looking down at our make-believe baby. When I woke up, all I wanted was just that.

I messaged the Work Colleague who thinks we should have stayed together the whole time anyway – the only real person (aside from you guys) who really knows how I feel about him. I told her I was going to message him. This is now getting ridiculous. It’s very clear this isn’t over between us. It’s very clear I haven’t had that closure. She thinks I should message him too. He’ll either message back and then anything could happen. Or he won’t and that’ll be the closure I need. Then I can move on.

You see, the problem is I like The Director. But I don’t know if I like him because I like him or if I like him because he’s so much like Jock. And he really is so much like him too. Almost everything about him. But I can’t help that I’m attracted to him can I? I can’t help that I find him funny. I can’t help that he does it for me in bed. I can’t help that I like him. What am I meant to do? Stop seeing him? Stop seeing every man who ever reminds me of Jock? Because I’d veto a lot of guys. Or maybe that’s just because we haven’t had that closure yet? There’s a little part of me that’s massively holding back with The Director and I didn’t think I knew why. Now I think I do…

The Director is someone I can actually imagine myself being with. I know he has flaws and I can see some of them already but it’s OK because I have flaws too. But I’ve seen quite a few sides of him now and I really like what I see. We’ve had a mini-fight, we’ve got bladdered drunk, we’ve done mornings and hangovers and food binges. We’ve watched Netflix for hours and we’ve pissed off the neighbours. We’ve been stranded and late. So far I like what I see. This is a man I can see myself being in a relationship with. That’s something I never ever saw with Someone New. I’m getting carried away with The Director. That never happened with Someone New either. I either click with someone or I don’t and something about us just never clicked. But you see – that’s a lesson I’ve learned. I’ll know for the next guy that it will either click or it won’t. Chemistry and a connection are not something you can force apparently, irrespective of how hard you try.

Today is meant to be our third date. Dinner and a movie. An actual proper date. I’m nervous and giggly all at the same time. It’s been a while since a guy has had that kind of impact on me. I’ve since realised that I wasn’t nervous with Someone New. Instead I was suffering from crippling anxiety. Nothing about him made me nervous. He just wasn’t exciting enough for me but this guy, The Director; he’s beyond exciting. Everything from the job I can’t talk about to the way he holds me down when he fucks me, it all screams excitement. The worst of it is I don’t even think he means to be. I just find him that way.

If I continue to see The Director I’m going to fall in love with him and I’m going to fall hard. I know that sounds stupid after just a few dates but I’m already pretty taken by him. He’s made quite the impression on me. He’s not going to be a passing phase like Someone New was. He’s going to be one of those guys that sticks around and makes a very serious mark on me. This is why I have this blog – so I can write crazy shit like that down. But just you wait and see – mark my words. I said the same thing about Jock because I knew and I know that over time, I will fall in love with The Director and I will fall HARD.

If I fall in love again, that’s it for me and Jock.

If I let down my very well-built guard and let this guy in I’m not going to want to go back. Is that what I really want? That’s what all of this boils down to. I didn’t think I wanted to be single but now I’m at the start of something brand new and wildly exciting I’m starting to understand why you need to be single in between relationships. I don’t know if I’m done with Jock enough to let myself start something potentially serious with someone else. And before you tell me I’m getting carried away, these are just thoughts I’m having right now. I’m very aware of how nuts this all sounds. But this is stuff I’m worried about which is why I’m considering sending Jock a message.

I’m not planning on spilling my guts out to him but I can’t help but think something needs to happen. I either need closure or… Well, the opposite of closure I guess.

“Hey I had a dream about you last night! I just wanted to apologise for ignoring your message a few months back. I wasn’t in the greatest place and just didn’t want to deal with it at the time. Hope you’re doing OK!” 

What do you think? Is this a bad idea? Bestie would never forgive me if I messaged him but whatever. I’ll deal with that later when he finds out about it. If he finds out about it.

The Work Colleague said something to me. She said that Jock could either ignore me or we could give it another shot. Either way, I’ll know. I won’t be in the same position I’m in right now. I won’t be wondering what-if because I’ll know.

But if I send that message I’m opening a whole new can of worms aren’t I? What’s worse? Still not being able to get him out of my head a year after we broke up? Or giving it another shot and it either working or failing? It kinda feels like I’m at a weird crossroad right now. Stuck in limbo. Unable to get over the ex but too scared to even think about falling in love again…

Do I message Jock or not?

All because of those godamn dreams…