There’s nothing more annoying than spending three hours primping and preening yourself, getting ready for a good night of action after a few weeks away, only to get there and break your boyfriend’s penis.
Oh yeah, I broke his penis.
Friday afternoon, I went for a bikini wax. Someone New wanted me baby smooth so he would get me baby smooth. Friday evening, I realised the waxer hadn’t exactly done the greatest of jobs. Saturday morning, I call up waxer to bitch and moan. Saturday afternoon, I headed back down to the salon for round two.
Note to self – don’t repeat bikini wax twice in two days. It fucking hurts.
From there, I went into town. I asked him what he wanted me to wear. He replied jeans, checked shirt, hair down. What underwear did he want? White underwear. Matching underwear. Lacy and innocent. Apparently, that’s his thing. We have this weird control-freak ritual going on now. It’s called ‘he tells me what to wear’.
Oh and it’s actually pretty damn hot. I’ll talk about that later.
After my shopping trip, new undies in hand, I went back home. Quick smoke then a shower – more hair removal. Moisturise, add shimmering body lotion on the sexy bits, and then makeup. He likes it when I really play up my eyes. He has a thing for my eyes. So, dramatic black eyeliner flicks, plus beautiful big false lashes. Cute pink cheeks (to mimic that sexy flushed look), and a slick of pink lip gloss. It sounds quick, it actually takes about an hour. Contouring and eyebrow-drawing is hard work, and getting your eyeliner to match on both eyes seems an almost impossible task.
Hair next. He likes my pink hair down so drying, then straightening, then curling the layered ends to frame my face. Time for perfume, then to get dressed. Add some accessories. Choose a bag. Pack said bag. Forget that I had packed the things I wanted to pack, and buy them last minute, only to realise I now had two of everything….
Three hours from getting home after the second bikini wax, to actually heading out the door to get the 45-minute bus drive to meet him – that’s how long it took me. We hadn’t taken each other to bed for weeks, so I was making this a godamn night to remember.
I guess it was…. Just for all the wrong reasons.
Three hours of getting-ready time, minus the underwear shopping and waxing times two, resulted in three minutes of quick fumbling. And a whole load of blood…
I don’t really know what happened. He was jerking himself off, and then he came in my mouth, and then it wasn’t just his salty taste I was swallowing. There was a metallic taste too. It tasted like blood?
The lights were off but as soon as I looked down I could see the crimson on the white leather couch, all over my hands, and all over him. For a split second, I thought I had cut the inside of my mouth, but it soon became apparent that it was definitely coming from him. Somehow we had managed to break his penis. He dashed off upstairs while I cleaned the blood from my hands and his best friend’s couch (he’s house sitting / looking after their pooch), and when I pottered upstairs to find him, I wish I hadn’t.
He was on his knees and forearms in the big corner bath, in some weird foetal-position squat, dunking his poor penis in the cold water. Slightly pissed, he was the funniest thing I’d seen in a while, but here’s the first thing you DON’T do when you accidentally break his penis – you don’t laugh at him. Apparently, it’s not funny.
I tried to make a passing joke about how ironic it was that he was now bleeding, and for the last six months, he’d been doing nothing but make me bleed every time we have sex, but apparently it was too soon for jokes too.
After toying with the idea of actually going to A&E for a while, we decided that the best thing to do was to wash off any blood, pop some vaseline on it (for lubrication), and re-assess the situation in the morning. He had work at 10:30am and he was also still pretty pissed.
In bed, the space between us couldn’t have been greater. Although I was trying not to be annoyed, I was. Three hours of preparation, new underwear, and two bikini waxes in two days and somehow, I’m still not getting laid. We didn’t even make it that far. We all know how much that irritates me…
I would however, like to point out that he got his. He came, moments before the blood starting spurting out of his penis. He got his, and I went to bed annoyed and unsatisfied. That’s not the night I had planned. Not at all. Especially when you add the bad stomach he had at 6am (due to the Chinese food), and the vomiting at 8am (due to the booze), it was hardly romantic. Or sexy.
Although it hurts, you’ll be happy to know that Someone New’s penis isn’t completely destroyed by the incident, but it does look like he’ll be out of action for a while. I guess I had better put some fresh batteries in the Rampant Rabbit. Apparently it’s going to be a long couple of weeks.
So, what to do when you accidentally break his penis.
1 – Don’t laugh.
2 – Don’t make jokes.
3 – Remember that a man’s pain threshold is much lower than a woman’s, and the penis is his most important body part!
4 – Cold water helps with everything, whether it’s a bash, a knee, an elbow, a cut, a sore, a graze, friction burns, you name it. The same can be said for a bag of frozen pees.
5 – Vaseline always works as lubrication. Savlon with anaesthetic is the best ever invention.
6 – Don’t make a terrified phone call to the hospital. You probably won’t need to go there. Don’t let more people know about it than is necessary.
7 – His penis is erect which means there is a lot of blood being pumped in there – it will bleed a lot. More than you thought it could. This doesn’t mean he’s bleeding out. Sometimes it’s really not as bad as it looks.
8 – Don’t put it on Facebook.
9 – Don’t tell anyone.
10 – Men are wimps.
Honestly though, it was actually quite funny.