I was sat in front of my window, sun beaming in on me, blue skies ahead, writing away… Something struck me – as I gazed out the window, lost in my own little world, my mind had drifted to that day Jock and I spent in the sun on the beach. We were hungover as hell, and I’m pretty sure we’d had a fairly big drunken fight the night before, and we went to the store, grabbed picnic food, and headed to the beach.
It was lovely and warm, almost too warm. After walking a bit, and paddling our toes in the cool water, we laid down under the hot sun, side by side, and just dozed the afternoon away. It was a beautiful afternoon. I’d give anything to have that hangover with him again. Sometimes, just like right now, I really miss him. But I don’t really know what to write down.
I sigh when I remember those days. Sometimes, I may even go back through my blog and read what I said about it at the time. Sometimes I really pine for him. Sometimes, like right now.
I know why this is happening. It’s because it was just last summer that I enjoyed one of the happiest chapters of my life. I was blissfully happy with that man, spending many hours, afternoons and whole weekends doing nothing with him, just enjoying some beautiful weather and amazing company.
We would spend hours just driving around in his car. Cars, actually. There were a few. Just driving around, grabbing lunch as we go, exploring places I’d not been before, and talking… Just talking the hours away.
Our first date, that eleven hour first date, what a waste that was now. That was the easiest first date of my life, and I think I fell in love with him right there and then. I was myself around him. Nervous, but myself. Just winning stuffed toys, and playing at the arcades; I couldn’t have been happier. See: The Tale of the 11 Hour First Date.
I remember the night we went star-gazing in the middle of that field. Just us, abandoned, losing ourselves inside each other in the back of his car under a twinkling sky. We had so many great memories together, it’s such a shame that our love story ended.
So many things remind me of him. Even songs that had nothing to do with him remind me of him. I walked up to town earlier and the happy, sunshine music in my ears and the hot sun hitting my face; it just all reminded me of the music we once listened to last summer, windows down in the car, driving nowhere, just holding hands, smoking and laughing. Sometimes it feels like I just can’t get away from him. Sometimes it feels like I’m never going to get over him.
I guess I just need to make new memories. Maybe with my Someone New? Maybe just by myself? I’ve already taken a great leap this year and quit my day-job. The sad thing is, more than anything I’d love to call my Beautiful Tattooed Jock to tell him all about it. He would have been so proud of me. That’s all he ever wanted me to do – quit my job, up my prices, and become the freelance writer I’d always wanted to be. It’s funny how it took him dumping me, and the weird sickness surrounding it, for me to finally make the leap. I guess everything really does happen for a reason?
Summertime. I have mixed emotions about this.