Something happened last night with The Fireman. We were chatting as we seem to do these days and it wasn’t long before we were reminiscing about old times… But not the good times, oh no. The bad times; the really, really bad times.
It started innocently enough – we were talking about what we would do if we had an endless supply of cash and we both come up with the idea of travelling. He’d take me on the boat he was going to buy, but only if I behave.
Me: “I never behave”
Fireman: “That’s what I love about you”
Me: “Not back then you didn’t”
Fireman: “I did really. I loved the excitement with you. Apart from when you were sleeping with Number 20. Of course”
Did he really bring that up? Ten years later and he’s still banging on about that? He punched me in the face and I still slept with him afterwards yet he can’t let go of the fact that I cheated on him and slept with my ex when were we young and dumb? We were 18 years old for fucks sake. It’s been ten years!
“I don’t know about you but I was deeply in love… I don’t want to get too deep but I’d thought about proposing to you…
You’re my first and deepest love. That love is the standard I set all current / future loves against…
I have to live with you embedded in my heart for the rest of my life…”
He wasn’t drunk, I know that because I asked him. What was wrong with him? Why had our normally sexual conversations taken a more morbid direction? What was going on? This wasn’t our regular reminiscing. This was going somewhere different.
“We’d be eleven years married by now”
We’re really taking a serious walk down memory lane here, unwrapping and talking about things both of us had thought we’d buried deep. I couldn’t work out where we were going with this. I figured he’d got the hint – I wasn’t interested. After all, he turned me down one of the last times we got together (big no, no – he admitted that was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do) and then we went for that date and I basically brushed him away on the front door step. That ship has well and truly sailed, surely he didn’t think he was going to get into my pants again?
The guilt trip continued with him rambling on about how much my infidelity ‘carved’ his heart and that he never really believed he’d ever gotten over it and if I’m honest, it all felt sooooooo melodramatic. It was TEN years ago! I know I was his first love but we weren’t the biggest love story of all time. When I look back through the great loves in my life, he’s not one of the ones I would put right at the top. Nowhere near close to that! I didn’t realise I had made such an impression on this guy – certainly nowhere near as much as what he’s telling me throughout this conversation! What was the point in all this anyway? What’s the point in going back through something that happened ten years ago and still mulling it over?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, something pretty damned amazing happened. You know that moment you break up with someone and you automatically assume it’s not for real and you’ll get back together? You know those nights you spent crying endless tears into your pillow at night, wishing he’d get back together with you? You know those dreams you have about the grand romantic reunion…?
Well, those dreams do come true. It just takes a while apparently.
“If we pretended we’d never met, only just say in a supermarket, would you let me take you out?”
I figured we were playing one of those theoretical games so I made a joke out of it – “Depends if you’ve got the same smooth moooooooooves?”
The answer I got wasn’t the answer I was prepared for…
Ten years later and he finally decides I’m the girl for him and we should give it another shot? Plus, that aside, I have my Someone New now. I know we’re not official or anything yet but he’s basically said as much to me.
Boyfriends are like fucking buses – you wait forever for one to turn up and two come along at once, throwing themselves at you, making all the promises under the sun.
How the fuck has this happened? Just a month or so ago, I was crying into my pillow, devastated by the end of my relationship with the Beautiful Tattooed Jock and now I have a brand new shiny Someone New clambering to fall in love with me, and an ex from a decade ago declaring I’m ‘the one’ again.
What the fucking fuck? Do you want to know what makes it worse? I was so surprised and taken aback by the surprise date invitation that I went and said fucking yes! OK, so it wasn’t like in a heartbeat or anything like that, but he did win me over with the promise of a nice meal in a proper country pub, complete with open fire and hot chocolates with marshmallows. In the cold light of day I’m starting to think that wasn’t that greatest decision I could have made this week.
So what do I do now? Do I go on the date with The Fireman I dated for almost two years, ten years ago? That would mean lying to my Someone New. He would not appreciate that betrayal of sorts, and I’d feel really guilty and end up telling him anyway. That’s what always happens. Or I could tell him it’s just a lunch-date with an old friend, which is basically the way I’m looking at it. The problem with that is The Fireman won’t be looking at it that way, will he? He’s made his intentions pretty damn clear. I’m beautiful now “physically and in person” and he can’t get the idea of us together out of his head. Maybe that’s his way of dealing with his breakups? Just like mine is making random guys fall at my feet apparently. Ha! I wish! I’m pretty sure my Someone New is a dreadful control freak, and my other option is the ex that actually punched me in the face. Plus I’ve slept with his sister. That would be weird.
So the only logical way to deal with this is to get out of the date, right? Now how do I do this? Honesty? “This is weird for me, plus I can’t see your family ever taking to me again especially as, at the time, I was fucking you and your sister, my Bestie was sleeping with your other sister, and my Dad was sleeping with your Mum… That’s not something I feel would be easily forgotten, nor the way I blurted it out to you which, in hindsight, probably meant I deserved that punch in the face”
Oh yeah, I can see that going down really well, can’t you? Honestly, what’s the point in this date anyway? Do we really think we are going to be one of those beautiful love stories? Together, made stupid mistakes, broke up, did our thing for ten years and then got back together again to live happily ever after? As if. There is NO point to this date. It won’t ever work. His sister probably lied about us sleeping together and denied it ever happening. I could prove it actually happened because not only was my Bestie there, My Mr. Grey was too. Bestie went to bed and The Fireman’s Sister, My Mr. Grey and I were meant to be heading to bed, except us two girls did and he didn’t get the invitation. I probably shouldn’t tell The Fireman that, right? Lol!
So much stuff has happened since then. So much stuff! Surely neither of us are deluded enough to think that this would ever work a second time around?
As if my head wasn’t fucked up enough already!